How to survive the betrayal of your husband?

Male infidelity is quite common. Russia in global statistics ranks one of the first places in the number of divorces due to adultery. Change, according to these statistics, up to 75% of men and only 25% of women. And, absolutely, none of the fairer sex is immune from a situation in which the betrayal of a spouse will come out, will become known. On the Internet, you can find hundreds of articles on how to bring your husband to clean water, but it is difficult to find really useful materials with effective advice on how to survive a betrayal of a partner.

Those who say that there is nothing tragic in this, “in life, and it doesn’t happen,” are cunning. For a woman of any age, social status, worldview and religion, betrayal of a spouse or partner is always a big personal drama. And there is no need to underestimate it. On the contrary, you need to realize it in full and try to accept it completely, without a trace, no matter how difficult it may seem in the first days after the revealed truth.

One of the first questions that a deceived woman asks herself is the question "why?" She tried, prepared, gave him the best years, made beauty, gave birth to children, tried for him, and he went “to the left”. The second question becomes the question of what to do now.Some still grasp the stage of another classic question - who is to blame, but such self-examination does not lead to good, it is not worth starting.

So, the question of why this happened, at different times puzzled such the greatest minds of mankind as Sigmund Freud and Carl Gustav Jung. Today, sociologists who regularly conduct sociological surveys and questionnaires, as well as psychologists and psychotherapists who are looking for various ways to help people who have fallen into the "cocoon" of betrayal and the collapse of their personal lives, try to give an answer to this question.

Sociologists have recently published interesting results of an anonymous survey. Using the surveyed method of questioning, two questions were asked - "Have you cheated on your spouse?" and "What were the reasons for that?" The survey results speak for themselves and are worthy to be published.

• Sexual dissatisfaction in marriage - 9% of men. That is, the version that "they are all males" does not stand up to criticism. Only nine men out of a hundred go "on the side" because of the lack of sex in the family, its unsatisfactory quality, and so on. It should be noted that for a man it is quite natural to desire sharpness and novelty of sensations, but most send "to the left" only when the passion in the family bed dies out completely. At the same time, the number of intercourse may be normal, but the quality ... In any case, it is only 9%.
• The desire to feel in love and feel happy, desired - 14% of the stronger sex. Strong emotions are needed not only for a woman, but also for a man. And if women, inclined to empathy, may well make up for some moderate deficit of feelings by watching a sentimental series, then such a number does not work with men.

• New love - 7% of men. This is the case from which no one is actually insured. Interestingly, this item was ticked by 20% of women. That is, men really fall in love and leave the family (or stay, but turn their life and the life of their wife into hell) much less often than the fairer sex. The reason is valid, but it is precisely this that is experienced more difficult than the second side, which the husband, it turns out, betrayed.
• Self-affirmation, gaining self-confidence, which for some reason was lacking in marital relations - 10% of men. Such motives for betrayal are usually found among men who have been "tucked in" since childhood, who were kept in the "iron grip" by their mother, and then he got a no less powerful and powerful wife. And I want to be a man at least sometimes. Such men usually do not leave their own wives anywhere. Fear.
• Long separation - 12% of the stronger sex. There are a lot of options here, and business trips, the duration of which is measured in months, or even years, and a fashionable democratic desire to live a little separately in order to think. There can be any reason, but the result is unchanged - at some point the man who is here and now becomes closer and dearer to the man, and not the one who is far away and for a long time. Alas, the forecasts for the preservation of the family are not very favorable.
• Boredom and routine - 4% of men. Such motivation is usually found among the representatives of the stronger sex, whose family life proceeded very measuredly - everything is laid out on the shelves, everything is known in advance, everything is planned out for a couple of years exactly. At some point, an adventurer wakes up in a man. Not in everyone. AT 4%.

• Without a reason, just like that, without any intent - 13% of men. A very interesting point in the questionnaire, which indicates, rather, not about the spontaneity of a man's actions, but about the fact that it is difficult for him and himself to understand the reasons why he did this.Probably, there is a combination of reasons, and therefore it is difficult to single out the main one. Just a case turned up (corporate party, a party with friends without a wife, and so on), which it was a sin not to take advantage of. Many men, when sober, feel ashamed and try to avoid such situations in the future.
• Revenge for betrayal of a partner - 1% of men. In revenge of the beloved for her infidelity, only a few of the stronger sex are changing. This is not their style.

Does a deceived wife need to analyze the reasons for her husband's actions? Rather not, but there is no getting away from it - this is the first and most difficult stage in overcoming deep personal drama. Even if the man himself tells why he did this, the woman will still analyze, remember, compare in her head the events of the last days, months, years, in order to understand when and where the prerequisites arose for the reasons for betrayal on the part of a partner. Therefore, to enrich life experience, you will have to communicate with yourself on this topic.

Much for a woman after the revealed unsightly truth depends on how the man behaves after everything that has happened. It is much easier to get through the situation for those whose repentant husbands are kneeling under the balcony and begging for forgiveness for the third day. But even this sometimes does not save, although a woman puts a “tick” for self-esteem to herself, this is unconditional.

More often than not, men act in a completely different way than in the movies. Some silently collect their belongings and go to a friend, to their mother, to the dacha, in order to wait out the storm there. Others stay, but feel terribly awkward, and try to hardly communicate with the offended wife, disappearing at work or in the garage. This is their way of weathering the storm. Still others move on to attack tactics - they begin to accuse the wife of making the incident possible (“look at yourself,” “what did you do for me so that I hurry home?”, “It's my own fault,” and so on).

The latter type deserves a separate explanation. If in such a situation the guilty husband begins to psychologically pressurize, to shift his blame onto his partner, this is a rather weak type of men, incapable of responsible behavior and taking their own actions. To be happy with such a man is very, very difficult, almost impossible, and therefore betrayal can be regarded as a blessing, based on the good old principle - whatever God does, everything is for the best. In other cases, different options are possible.

The great misconception of a suffering woman is that she sincerely believes that only she is suffering. Single-handedly. Galaxy-wide, no less. In fact, a man for the most part also feels unhappy - his family is crumbling, his usual life, in which his wife, believe me, plays an important role. The range of feelings of a guilty husband will depend on how he was brought up, in what environment he lives, what principles are accepted in this environment.

Feelings of guilt are inherent in men, there is no doubt about it. But they are used to expressing it in different ways. Therefore, one will go to a calm and adult conversation, while the other will be unbalanced and irritable. In general, the variability of behavioral reactions among representatives of the stronger sex, caught in adultery, can be wide.What a woman should not do in any of the situations, regardless of the behavior of her partner, is to put pressure on him, demand an apology, an explanation, not lecture him on morality and not insult him or herself. No matter how the husband behaves, it is important to maintain inner dignity and external (at least visible) calmness.

Not a single even the most eminent psychologist, not a single girlfriend, no one in the whole wide world will be able to give an exact answer to this question. Only the woman herself must answer it, taking into account all the pros and cons. It is better to do this at least after a few days, when the most violent emotions have subsided somewhat. In this case, you won't have to talk about a calm, balanced decision, because it will hurt in a week or a month. This pain always comes from childhood. We all remember how we were worried and offended if our parents took us to our grandmother, and they themselves went to the cinema. And the world collapsed when it seemed that they did not want to take us out of the kindergarten. It was then that the foundations of resentment and the first ideas about betrayal were laid in a person.

A husband is a person whom you believed, trusted, with whom you decided to live your life. And he did not appreciate anything! Remember, nurturing your own sense of betrayal is a lot like childhood grievances. She makes you a victim, not the owner of her own life.

Deciding whether to forgive or not should be strictly from the position of the hostess. If you forgive, you do it not because “nobody else needs it,” “I won’t give it to her anyway,” and so on, but because you clearly understand why and why you need to keep your family together. If a woman is tormented by hatred, she does not have the strength to concentrate on something, she does not want to do anything, then it is better to postpone the decision to forgive.

Take a piece of paper, on one side of it, write down the merits of your husband and the benefits of living with him, and on the other - his shortcomings and your negative feelings after his betrayal. This will help weigh the decision at least a little.

When forgiving, remember that you run the risk of hammering and ramming your own resentment so deeply into your subconscious that then health problems are not excluded. Remember that the former trust may no longer exist, that further relationships can be neurotic and exhausting, which one day will still lead to divorce.

In all fairness, remind yourself that there are quite a few families that have successfully coped with such a crisis, overcame it and were able not only to keep the family as a unit of society, but also the relationships in this family. And in very rare cases, couples manage to achieve harmony in a relationship that was not there before, that is, their life is improving.

If you decide not to forgive, and start life from scratch, you should not postpone such a great idea until Monday or New Year. To survive parting, to forget about betrayal will, of course, not work right away. But if you decide that your life is only yours, then you are already on the right path. The way out of this situation is a vast and deep topic. Not everything will work out right away, sometimes it will be bad at heart, and it will be almost impossible to cope with mental pain alone. To get rid of a difficult experience, you need to go through it to the end. These are the rules of this game.

The first stage is non-acceptance. The woman does not believe that this is possible, she cannot come to terms with the situation. At this stage, the main thing is not to break the wood. Better to be alone, to try to accept the situation as it is, without counselors. At the second stage, a protest takes place.The woman has accepted the fact and actively protests against the situation - silently or loudly. At this stage, it is best to meet and talk to your best friend or friend, any person you trust. This will make it easier to move on to the third stage - submissive acceptance.

In this state, women often feel empty. Strange as it may seem, children, parents, friends in need of help, work will help to get out of depression. At this stage, it is important to schedule your day by the minute, spare no time for family, friends, and help them. So gradually the last stage will come - enlightenment. At the same time, one day a woman wakes up and realizes that she is still “nothing”, that she just needs to “change her haircut and wardrobe,” calm down.

It is possible to maintain family relations after the husband's betrayal only with the mutual sincere desire of both spouses. At a certain moment, the very decisive conversation will surely take place when both calm down and think. With him, it is important not to blame or reproach your partner, but to tell him everything that you feel in the first person, using "I" instead of "You". Forgiving is not as difficult as it seems, but then it is much more difficult to start trusting. A man who sincerely wants to improve relations with his wife, most likely, himself will not create dubious and double situations in which his wife will be psychologically uncomfortable.

If the family was on the verge of divorce even before the betrayal, it will be very difficult to improve relations. The spouses can communicate as much as they want, but trusting each other and stop thinking about what happened is a mission almost impossible. If it is decided to keep the family because of the children, then it is better not to do this. For normal and harmonious development, children need loving parents together, in extreme cases - happy and contented parents separately, but not a parody of a family in which it is uncomfortable, cold, no one communicates with anyone, and everyone is unhappy.

Some simple tips will help a woman to cope with a personal crisis after her husband's betrayal, which can be used at any of the above stages of experiencing your grief:

• do not refuse invitations to visit, go to the cinema with friends or children, go to nature, on a picnic with people you like;
• do not exacerbate the situation with alcohol, a glass of wine will not bring relief, suffering in combination with a hangover is a completely difficult case;
• do not close to everything new - meet new people, change your job and image, if you feel that the time has come, this will help increase self-esteem;
• do not blame your husband, do not "wash his bones" in conversations with parents and girlfriends, do not breed rumors, do not throw mud at the person - no matter how it happens, no matter what happens later, it will not honor you;
• if you can't cope with your feelings and emotions, do not hesitate to seek help from a psychologist, psychotherapist, these specialists will help you verbalize anxieties and resentments, it will definitely become easier.

For information on whether to forgive treason, see the next video.