How to understand that the husband is cheating?

Women have more developed intuition than men, and therefore they often begin to guess about the betrayal of a spouse long before the facts become obvious. The fair sex literally "captures" incomprehensible, new vibes, but they cannot always explain them. Naturally, all women are interested in how to understand that the husband is cheating, as well as what to do and how to behave if suspicions have already appeared. In this article we will try to give detailed answers to all these burning questions of women.

The chastity and inviolability of marriage bonds today are not what they were a century ago. And therefore, divorces happen more often. One of the most common reasons for the dissolution of a marital relationship is adultery. At the same time, the share of male adulterers in Russia, according to sociologists, accounts for about 75% of the total number of betrayals, while women change much less often - in about 25% of cases.

Psychologists, psychotherapists, sociologists are engaged in the questions of the reasons for adultery, statistics and the search for ways out of the unfavorable marital situation in the country. A lot is known today about the mechanisms and psychological processes that accompany adultery, but so far, unfortunately, this does not allow us to reduce the number of divorces due to adultery.

Nature has created women more sensitive to future events. Developed intuition is the ability that allows you to anticipate negative situations and danger in order to have time to save (hide, protect) the offspring. It is in vain that men believe that a well-furnished betrayal with all the measures of secrecy taken will remain unnoticed for his wife.Conspiracy will deprive a woman of evidence, but any woman can feel the slightest changes in her husband's behavior. And she will do it, there is no doubt about it. As for the evidence, a woman who feels that something was wrong will definitely find them, even if the secrecy measures were thought out to the smallest detail.

Premonitions and guesses are a very difficult period. It can be incredibly difficult for a woman to control herself and stay calm. Inside her, a whole ocean of emotions is raging, capable of destroying not only marriage, but also herself from the inside. Here, the main thing is not to cross the permissible line, because there is one small step from ordinary jealousy to pathological paranoid. In a state of irrational jealousy, which psychiatrists attribute to delusional states of the paranoid type, a woman will no longer hear arguments, the voice of reason and arguments. She will be sure that her husband has cheated, even if in fact there was no adultery. Gradually, the manic stage will change to the paranoid one, and the woman runs the risk of becoming a patient of a psychiatric clinic or a husband-killer, because this is a real and serious mental illness.

Therefore, if you suspect that your spouse is unfaithful, it is important not to "go too far". It is best to try to look at the situation from the outside. All grounds for suspicion are usually circumstantial. They may in fact turn out to be not at all what they seem. Think how unsightly and humiliating you will look if you start to arrange tantrums, scandals, showdowns, yell at your husband and accuse him of something that you yourself are not sure of: the fact of treason! For a man, a very important feeling is the feeling of respect for his life partner. If for some reason he loses respect, everything else disappears: love, affection, desire.

The surest way to ruin a relationship at this stage is to break his respect for you. To do this, as already said, is nowhere easier: start screaming, crying, throwing a tantrum every time he returns from work, shake him by the chest, blame him for everything; demand to tell the name of your mistress, go to his work and complain to employees, call every half hour, check his phone and mail. All this will quickly convince the man that with such a life partner he is no longer on the way. And regardless of whether he cheated or not, the marriage will fall apart.

A conversation differs from an accusatory monologue in that it involves two people who respect each other. They do not yell and do not "poke", do not remember mistakes and mistakes to each other, they talk specifically about the problem that is taking place right now. For the dialogue to take place, you need to choose the right time. The husband should be tuned in to a conversation, he should not rush to work at this moment, and even more so, you should not talk about it on the phone or write him messages. In this conversation, you need to see the eyes of a person, hear the slightest changes in the tone of the voice.

It is better to conduct an important conversation in a calm atmosphere, on a weekend, when the man is relaxed and does not expect a "catch".There is no need to tell him in advance that “a serious conversation awaits him,” this will make him tense, and if there is a betrayal, he will also have time to prepare a couple of dozen weighty “excuses”, because he will intuitively understand what this of yours might be about. the promised conversation.

How to ask a man? Directly. Do without lengthy prefaces. Share your concerns, tell us how you feel, but do it as calmly and sympathetically as possible. Never lose sight of the thought that no one in the world is obligated to live up to anyone's expectations. Respect your partner. Talk not about him, but about what feelings his actions cause in you. Give all the inaccuracies and inconsistencies you noticed in his behavior and words, tell us what you noticed. Don't cry or scream. Do everything in a quiet, calm voice.

Watch your reaction closely. Confusion, hidden eyes, avoiding the conversation, demanding to end the conversation right now should be alerted. Will the husband tell the truth? Don't put your hopes on it. Yes, there are situations in which the husband, “pressed against the wall” with weighty arguments, really admits his guilt and tries to explain himself or goes to collect things in order to leave. But in most cases, the husband will declare that all this is "your delirium", that this is "nonsense", "not true" and, in general, "you need to think less."

What matters, dear women, is not what exactly he says. His first non-verbal reaction is important. Look at both: he tensed, turned pale, began nervously fiddling with something in his hands, squeezing his knuckles, rubbing his Adam's apple, cheek, nose, averting his eyes, squeezing the earlobe, avoiding a direct look; immediately stops the conversation and leaves the room, goes into an aggressive verbal attack - all these are alarming signs, saying that he is frantically looking for words and explanations, he is lying. Remember that the first reaction will not last long, then the unfaithful husband will pull himself together (men know how to do this much faster!) And will tell you so many interesting stories that it will be difficult to understand where is the truth and where is fiction.

A man who has not cheated may react differently. Most often, he will listen carefully, and then laugh heartily, and maybe he will be offended, but he will do it without tension, completely sincerely.

The most difficult thing is to distinguish the signs of infidelity from the manifestations of various other life circumstances in your partner's life. On the Internet, worried wives can find several hundred thousand articles and publications that offer ready-made solutions: lists of signs that indicate adultery. Do not flatter yourself and do not take them into service, as most of them can be caused by completely different reasons. Learn to think logically. So, we take a pen and a piece of paper and for each item we weigh the facts from two positions: “changed” and “did not change”. Let's start right now.

Husbands who have established relationships "on the side" really become less attentive to your instructions and requests. In the morning they asked him to buy something on the way home, but he forgot. The date of your wedding, for which you were preparing in such a way, "flew" out of his head. You call him to the movies, and he complains that he is tired and would rather lie in front of the TV on the weekend. On offers to make love, he often refuses, referring again to fatigue.

On the other hand, this behavior can be caused by physiological problems: he really gets tired, works 12 hours a day with one day off, he has problems at work, financial difficulties.It is possible that problems with potency have appeared, and it is easier for him to say that he is tired than to try to admit his own sexual dysfunction (a topic for a man is extremely painful). And for the glory of male forgetfulness, in general, you can add songs, so the fact that he forgot about the date of acquaintance, which was 10 years ago, is not at all a reason to blame him for treason, this is just a feature of male memory: the long-term memory of the stronger sex “is lame "On both legs. Lack of sexual desires in a family bed also does not mean cheating, because men are very sensitive to any stress. Only in the movies is the hero in a state of stress capable of bed scenes. In life, problems greatly inhibit libido in men.

Basically, men do not hide from their mistresses that they are married, and therefore they do not need to remove the ring. The exception is serious falling in love. If a man really falls in love and does not want the girl to know about his status, so as not to frighten her off, he really can take off the ring for a while. Some take it off altogether and leave it at home, others do it every day in the morning, leaving the house. Observe.

On the other hand, the ring can become small or large, because a person loses weight and gains weight, he has edema, and therefore wearing a ring without adultery can sometimes become difficult.

This sign is one of the first. But it is very difficult to call it explicit. This does not even mean changes in his behavior and habits, but the speed with which these changes occur. Yesterday I was still lying on the couch and drinking beer for a football match, and today I signed up for the gym and was puzzled by the reduction of extra pounds. It is the spontaneity and sharpness of these changes that can make you think that your husband is cheating. It is also important to evaluate his attitude towards his wife: a man who feels guilty for going "to the left" suddenly becomes very caring, sympathetic, and a husband who does not feel guilty often gets angry with his wife for no apparent reason, shouts, criticizes, points out her shortcomings.

We look at the problem from the other side. There can be any number of reasons for yelling at your wife and criticizing her. The husband can get angry even if the relationship leaves much to be desired, if she does not monitor her appearance, does not cope with housekeeping, raising children, while it is not at all necessary that he has someone “on the side”. His drastic changes, going to the gym and interest in his appearance, may be associated with a banal desire to lose weight and return to his previous form, as his best friend did.

It is possible that before you both used one common e-mail box, but now your husband has got his own and is trying not to show you what he is doing there. A man whose relationships outside the family are accompanied by correspondence, indeed, becomes more attentive to the security of access to his electronic devices. Changes passwords on the phone and in the mail, minimizes the messenger window when you enter the room, stopped throwing your smartphone in a conspicuous place, whereas before it was lying around and looking for it only by the sound of an incoming call. When his wife tries to find out what such measures of secrecy are connected with, he gets nervous and leaves the conversation or is rude, indicating that "he has every right." Well, yes, it does. But it is precisely this sign that most often allows the wife to understand that there is still a rival.

Let's look at the situation from a different angle. A man, like you, has every right to personal space and his own secrets.The secret may lie not at all in his mistress, but, for example, in a porn video that he wants to watch, and then you enter the room. Of course, it will minimize the "window" on the monitor. Secrets may be related to his professional duties, after all, he is not obliged to show anyone what he is texting with friends or old acquaintances, even if these are conversations about fishing, discussion of a match or you and me, dear women. As you understand, this has nothing to do with betrayal.

Psychology has nothing to do with it. You don't need to be a bloodhound with a keen sense of smell to feel that your husband has begun to smell differently. Cheaters are often smelled of new feminine fragrances. And there's nothing you can do about it. A man himself may not notice this, not attach any importance, since he “breathed in” and got used to the smell of perfume, which he himself is now the carrier of. But here the wife almost unmistakably detects someone else's smell and takes a stance as a hunting greyhound.

On the other hand, one should not exclude the possibility that at the workplace of your beloved one of the employees ineptly uses perfume and smells so sweet that the entire department returns home in the evening with a wonderful trail of French perfume.

Exposing the unfaithful husband is the hardest part of this whole story. Collecting a lot of arguments and not having a single compelling fact means not collecting anything. What if all the indirect signs point to treason, but there is nothing to prove it? Never mind. Our advice may seem strange, but a woman should not "get" and "strain" her husband, but create the most calm and even family psychological background. If there was a conversation with your husband about his possible betrayal, and he convinced you that this is not so, pretend that his words completely convinced you, ask forgiveness several times for suspecting him of adultery and assure you that you will never do this again you won't.

After a few weeks of a calm and well-fed, measured life, the husband will completely relax. And it is then that he can make total mistakes that will help you find the missing "puzzle fact". Only James Bond is capable of constantly lying and not being punctured, and even then only in the movies. In life, even experienced scouts make mistakes in situations where they are in visible, artificially created security. Counterintelligence services of all countries are well aware of this and are actively using the method in their work to identify enemy spies.

It is possible to determine the actual confirmation of possible marital infidelity by behavior, but it will take more time. Start to stay late at work and don't pick up your mobile phone in the evenings? Call the work number, ask to invite him to the phone, inform that it is urgent, because your apartment is flooded by the neighbors upstairs. Firstly, it will allow you to find out whether the husband is really at work, as he says, and secondly, it will give reason to reflect on whether he has "accomplices" among his colleagues. If someone knows where he really is at the moment, he will be contacted and told who is the flood in his apartment. The husband will immediately contact you himself. Then you can explain what you just imagined.

It is good if you are familiar with his friends and colleagues. There is no need, of course, to ask them direct and shameless questions. Even if they know something, it will be incredibly uncomfortable for them and it is unlikely that they will be able to find out the truth. But you can casually find out if the husband has a large amount of additional work, because of which he so often began to be delayed.If the acquaintances of the traitor are not aware of his affair, they will assure with great enthusiasm that he has as much work as before.

A husband who in every possible way avoids intimacy with his wife for a long time, citing fatigue, should be urgently sent to a therapist for examination, for possible pathologies. It is clear that he can resist, especially since everything is in the best possible way with the health of the cheater. Make an appointment with him yourself, go with him. Do it gently and sympathetically: you are worried about his health!

You should not turn into an amateur spy to check and find out if your husband is cheating. Sleepy, nervous, with circles under her eyes and shaggy hair, the eternally gloomy wife will scare anyone away. While you are creating a "visible security trap" for him, take some time for yourself: go to the hairdresser, put yourself in order, make sure that you appear in front of your husband in a dignified attractive form.

If the stream of reproaches and remarks addressed to you from him does not diminish, if he does not stop ignoring your presence, then it is very likely that the point is not in what kind of underwear you are wearing or how you are made up, but in the fact that you are simply bigger He is not interested in him as a woman, but for some reason he does not want to dissolve the marriage yet. It should be noted that few people are willing to break off relations with his wife. Most of the unfaithful husbands prefer to keep the marriage, or rather, its appearance, since relocation, division of property, loans, children and the need to communicate with relatives are not included in his plans.

A husband who cheats on his wife cannot keep his secret forever. It is still possible to reveal and recognize the truth, even if the man himself categorically denies the fact of adultery.

Going on a journey looking for evidence of a spouse's unfaithfulness, one should be well aware that descent from this “mountain” can be very painful. But going uphill, you can never see the descent.

A private detective can collect evidence for you. This is his job, and it is neither bad nor good. To turn to such a specialist, of which there are now a lot in every city, is not a shame and not scary. If you are deceived and are not ashamed of it, why should you be ashamed? If you can afford this option and does not contradict your conscience, this will be the best you can think of. A surveillance specialist is usually a former police officer, often retired. He has a lot of connections in order to "punch" the phone number of the person of interest, establish the nature of the correspondence, find out his whereabouts at one time or another, track with whom and when he meets and provide you with a full report, supported by photos and videos. With such arguments, the cheater will not get out anywhere, he will not be able to deny the betrayal. If the private detective does not discover the fact of treason, then most likely you will be ashamed. How to get out of this situation will have to be decided separately.

If there is no money for a private detective, then theoretically a woman can become one herself. Numerous programs will help with this: locators, which help to determine the location of the spouse with little, however, accuracy.If he says that he is sitting at work and completing the report and this will most likely drag on for the whole night, and the locator shows that the subscriber is in a completely different area of ​​the city, a couple of hours away from the office, then this will be proof of a lie. But alas, not the very fact of betrayal. After all, the husband can be with a friend in the suburbs and just drink beer in the bath, so as not to make excuses to you and not be accountable for his actions.

You can install a CCTV camera in his car. To do this, you need a small portable camera with good batteries that will send the image to your smartphone or computer. The system should be adjusted by specialists, but if she wants to figure it out, a woman can do it on her own. Security cameras in the apartment are also an option, especially if the woman often leaves on business. A trip to work can also be imitated by going to a friend or mother for a couple of days. Recordings from cameras, which the husband does not know about, will help to understand the truth, if, of course, he decides to bring a woman to your apartment.

You can track your spouse before and after work, you can read his SMS and watch calls, write out the numbers he calls most often and check who they belong to by making calls on behalf of the housing office or social security service from someone else's phone number under the pretext of a population census or some other good reason.

A smart and experienced family psychologist will never advise you on any of the above methods of obtaining evidence of your husband's infidelity. At least for the reason that they are all destructive. They kill trust, understanding, feelings. They turn a woman into a jerked, nervous and tense creature, and at any moment such "spy games" can lead to a severe nervous breakdown. In addition, there is a risk that surveillance and espionage will be disclosed by a partner, and then the relationship may end even if there was no betrayal at all.

It remains, again, to hope for the case and mistakes in the behavior of the partner. The most honest ways to find out the truth are always the most painful. This is the notorious shirt in someone else's lipstick, the forgotten element of underwear in the car, which you find when you go to visit or to the store with your husband; after all, you might see him with his mistress accidentally kissing or hugging. It will also be difficult to argue with such arguments, although, of course, the unfaithful husband will definitely try to explain the presence of other people's panties in the cabin by giving the car to a friend to go on a date, and lipstick by the awkwardness of a female colleague who was walking down the aisle, stumbled and fell, accidentally touching his lips to his shirt.

No specialist in the field of the psychology of family relations will give you the correct and only correct advice on what to do after the cheating is confirmed. It all depends on what kind of person you are, what is your personal level of culture and acceptable behavior, with what baggage of personal experiences you have come to this stage of your life. If the marriage has long been bursting at the seams, and it was going to divorce, it is possible that the betrayal of your spouse will be the last point in your relationship history. It is more painful when a woman believed that everything was fine, and then the terrible truth was revealed to her.

Regardless of what you plan to do with this relationship further, you need to talk to your husband, dot the i's. Try to maintain your dignity, do not humiliate yourself, do not go to threats, blackmail, do not manipulate children, do not demand anything and do not force a man to be humiliated. Just find out what he plans to do next. The responsibility for the situation lies with two people, and the decision about what to do after the betrayal is also mutual. Remember this.

After the conversation, you actually don't have many options.You can collect things for your husband and kick him out of the house, you can leave by yourself, you can stay both silent and swear loudly and piercingly, accusing each other of all sins. You can forgive a man and save the marriage, or you can not forgive and stop all contact with him. It all depends on how sick and difficult the relationship was at the time of the betrayal, as well as on the plans of the man himself. If, under the pressure of facts, he admits adultery, and declares that he intends to leave the family in order to end all this completely, do not run after him, do not beg to stay, no matter how painful and painful it may be. At any cost, preserve your personal dignity, because men in life can be different, and self-esteem is only yours and you have it in a single copy.

The worst thing that a woman who has been betrayed by her husband can do is to take revenge on him. Inform everyone around him about his act, throw mud in the eyes of friends and relatives, arrange dismissal at work, file several claims in court, accuse him of theft or violence, crumple and scratch his car, find the address of his mistress and show up there with a bat in his hands ... Do not go out and indulge in all the grave ones, in revenge for the outraged feelings. None of this will bring relief.

You need to realize, accept the situation, understand that life has not ended, but is just beginning, and everything that lies ahead will definitely be better than everything that is now. With this awareness, you can decide where and with whom to live next, do everything that has been postponed for so long in marriage: go to the sea, change your job, image, complete courses for pilots or captains of small vessels, jump with a parachute.

For signs of male infidelity, see the next video.