Can treason be forgiven and how to do it?

Cheating on a loved one is always a big personal drama, which can be very difficult to cope with. No one is immune from such a situation: any woman and any man may well one day fall into the category of deceived spouses. According to existing statistics, in Russia up to 75% of men and 25% of women have cheated on their partner at least once. Families often break up for this very reason. If you think about it, don't cut from the shoulder, then in most cases divorce and separation can be prevented. But this will require doing the most difficult thing - to forgive. How to do this will be discussed in this article.

Betrayal, betrayal, strife. Circumstances and situations in which adultery can occur, the cheater's motives, his behavior before and after the unpleasant truth is revealed, the type of relationship in this family - all this and much more will ultimately determine the possibility of forgiving the wrong partner. After all, you can forgive treason, and many have successfully managed to cope with this. There are also quite a few of those who did not succeed, and those who decided not to even try.

Forgiveness is a lot of inner work, painstaking and stage-by-stage work, a sign of psychological maturity and "adulthood" of a person. Cheating at a young age is most difficult to forgive - girls who cheated on guys, guys who cheated on girls, due to their young age, are more categorical, and therefore often the relationship is painfully broken, leaving trauma in the soul of the one whom they betrayed.It can be easier for middle-aged people to forgive because of their accumulated life experience, but one cannot say that they suffer less. At any age, at all times, cheating is painful.

Both the man who was cheated on by his wife and the woman who found out about her husband's infidelity are equally hard going through this stage. But it is necessary, since it is it that is key in shaping the decision on readiness for reconciliation.

The answer to the question, whether to forgive or not, should only be the person himself. Advisors in this case are unnecessary and harmful. Counselors will rely solely on their life experience, on their ideas, on generally accepted norms that do not always correspond to the ideas about the happiness of a certain person, someone who is now in trouble. Imagine a situation where a man asks his friends to ask him whether to forgive his cheating wife. With a high degree of probability, they will answer that this cannot be done, because after this the deceived husband will look like a weak-willed henpecked.

Is this what a man wants to hear, who is really attached with all his soul to his wife and really wants the relationship to be preserved? A woman who asks for advice from her mother or friend also runs the risk of getting a stereotyped answer that “all men are like this” and need to leave him and move on. What if she truly loves her partner and believes in the ability to mend a relationship? Thus, if you need to consult with anyone, it is only with yourself. Listen to your hearts, your mind, your intuition and act boldly.

In addition to the internal readiness to forgive, you need to take into account the opinion of the partner himself. If the cheater, after the truth about his going "to the left" was revealed, and did not think to apologize, if he does not seek dialogue, does not try to explain himself, then most likely do not force repentance from him. Perhaps the cheating partner generally wants to end this relationship.

Usually a favorable moment for such a conversation comes some time after the discovery of the fact of adultery. Both need to calm down and decide what to do next.

Forgiveness is permissible in all cases if it is allowed by a person for himself. It does not matter how long the adulterer lasted, with whom the partner cheated, what methods he used for conspiracy, how the facts were revealed and whether he regrets. You need to forgive not for him, but for yourself, because it is much easier to live if you do not hold offense and evil, not to mention that offense is a strong destructive feeling that can quickly cause dangerous and intractable diseases at the physical level. For example, oncological diseases are often called by psychosomatics specialists "the disease of offended people." Think about it at your leisure.

Forgiveness does not always mean returning to the family. Even if you decide to end the relationship with the cheating spouse and live on without him (her), try to sincerely, from the bottom of your heart forgive your ex-partner, do not hesitate to tell him about it when you succeed.

Life next to the abuser will turn into hell for all family members, and the marriage will still end in ruin. Very often, deceived spouses want to receive a “ready-made recipe” from a psychologist or psychotherapist on how to forgive. There is no such recipe.There is no list of ingredients that need to be added in a certain amount to get what you want. There are only general guidelines. It's always easier to forgive:

• if a cheater or a cheater repents, ask for forgiveness, clearly argue the reason for adultery and promise not to repeat this again;
• if feelings for the partner who went "to the side" persisted, did not dry out long before adultery;
• if there is something in common and important for both - children, common hobbies, work, common human obligations and responsibilities (for example, caring for an elderly relative).

To go through a difficult time and cope with the situation, make the right decision in it, will help a simple understanding that absolutely no one in this world is obliged to meet your expectations. It is clear that it hurts, it is insulting, everything is boiling and seething in my soul, it throws emotional swing from anguish to anger, from a desire to take revenge into self-pity, the offended one. In order to even out your emotional background a little in the very early stages, psychologists often advise imagining a betrayal of a partner in the form of a whip. You got hit with it only once - when you learned about the betrayal. All the rest of the blows you inflict on yourself, you continue to heat up your suffering and pain, feel sorry for yourself.

To forgive and live on (with or without this person) will help understanding the essence of the processes taking place with you.

• At first there will be negation, in which a person categorically refuses to believe in what happened, then a protest. It is here that thoughts of revenge will come to visit, it is at this stage that a person's anger, resentment and pain are most developed.
• Then comes Adoption - the offended person begins to understand that all this is real, that it is actually happening and it is with him, that it is no longer possible to delete the event, it happened and became a part of his personal history. It is at the stage of acceptance that the decision on whether to forgive a partner and return to him, forgive him and leave, or other options should be considered.

Whatever happens next, whatever events followed, there are several universal techniques that will help to cope with post-traumatic psychological syndrome. Use them if you decide to stay with the abuser, to continue living as one family. Be sure to try practicing them if you decide to live separately, your new life.

During the day, armed with a pencil and a piece of paper, count how many destructive and positive thoughts and emotions you have. They thought that you were an unhappy person, and you were so unlucky, felt sorry for yourself - a tick in favor of destruction, noted a beautiful dress on a neighbor, admired her child in my soul - a plus in favor of a positive.

If in half a day there is twice as much negativity, start deliberately replacing your own emotions with others. I remembered the act of the husband (wife) - you go to the store and buy yourself a nice little thing that will give you at least a few minutes of good mood.

Oddly enough, but it is art that helps in the most difficult times, it somewhat changes the course of thoughts, and therefore you can read, go to exhibitions, make your own and watch other people's photos, draw yourself, go to the cinema, theater, to concerts of your favorite performers, necessary and necessary.

This method was proposed by the founder of the school of humanistic psychology, Abraham Maslow. It consists in replacing negative thought forms and destructive actions with positive ones. The principle is this: for every negative thought there must be at least two real constructive actions. Example: I felt sorry for myself, burst into tears, at the same time a vile thought crept in to take revenge on occasion - we get up and go to our elderly parents so that we can help them do the spring cleaning until our good will, without waiting for requests, and on the way back we help unfamiliar pensioners to cross the road.

In the heat of the moment, they spoke ugly about the cheated partner - we voluntarily sit down to learn lessons with the child, and then take out the trash, and not only our own, but also the trash of a lonely pensioner-neighbor, since it is difficult for her to walk up and down the stairs when the elevator is not working. Usually, after a couple of weeks, the emotional background becomes more positive, a person notices that his mood has improved, vigor and a feeling of self-satisfaction have appeared (he did so many good things!), The traumatic situation begins to lose its relevance and acuteness, the feeling of pain, loss is dulled.

Remember how you admired the actress's hairstyle in a photo in a magazine or the courage of an acquaintance who recently made a parachute jump. Now is the time to take from life everything that was put on the back burner. It's time to sign up for the gym and a couple of times a week to fight there with a beer belly (for men) or excess waist (for women), it's time to go and do that very hairstyle, dye your hair, change your wardrobe, take a parachute jump, go and unlearn on the rights to control light aircraft, in general, to do what you always wanted.

This is a method of expressing your feelings. You need someone you can trust. He must be a good listener. TOWhen the most intimate and terrible emotions are voiced, spoken out, they somewhat lose their frightening properties. It's good if such a person is the culprit of the situation for you, if the decision is made to forgive and move on together. If the method is applied, then the relationship in such couples becomes even better than they were before adultery, since the spouses finally begin to understand each other's feelings, become closer to each other.

If the partner method doesn't work, or you are a very secretive person, try talking to strangers - a psychologist, a train conductor, or a random travel companion. It is often these encounters that help us to verbalize our worries and negative thoughts.

And here no one can give any guarantees that the cheater will not go to the side in search of thrills again. It almost does not depend on you, but depends to a greater extent on what the guilty person himself thinks about his act. Sincere remorse and shame increase the likelihood that the situation will not happen again. Attempts to make excuses and partially shift the responsibility for adultery onto the second partner (“well, you are also to blame” or “you yourself were wrong”) mean that the person partially justifies his own actions and, if something happens, may well repeat them.

It is clear that after establishing the reasons for the betrayal, it will be necessary to correct the relationship. And you will have to deal with it mutually.

• If a partner decides on a relationship on the side due to dissatisfaction with sexual relations, you need to diversify your intimate life, try to make it rich and regular.
• If the reason was an accidental occasion for a drunken head, you need to avoid situations when the cheater will attend parties.
• If the reasons lay in dissatisfaction with the relationship between husband and wife, you should work in this direction, find more common interests, spend time together more often.

No control system has ever prevented adultery. If the partner decides to start another intrigue "on the side", then he will not be able to keep him, he just, knowing about the suspicion of his spouse, will be very careful and very secretive.

If you forgive your partner with the intention of living with him further, you have to trust. Only trust, coupled with forgiveness, will help create a normal psychological environment in the family. If there is no trust, there will be no family. In fact, people, of course, can remain husband and wife, but life in such a family will resemble a thriller, and children (as well as adults) in such a family can only sympathize.

Nobody forces you to make this or that decision. It is only yours and the responsibility for it is on you. Even if a person understands the whole need to forgive, he loves children very much, he would very much like to save the family, but everyone inside resists the one thought of living on with the traitor, going to bed with him, sharing the same roof over his head with him, then it is not necessary in the name of high ideals sacrifice your life and your mental health. Such a life can lead to tragedy or to a separate ward in a mental hospital. Leave without looking back, without regrets, save yourself and your children, because in the end this divorce will be a blessing for everyone.

If you decide to forgive, remember that you will not be able to complete it in a day, a month, or a year. The process can take a long time. It is important to understand exactly why you are embarking on this difficult path - true love for your partner, the desire to help him and yourself, the desire to raise children together. Naturally, these desires should be mutual.

Whatever the initial decision, psychologists recommend adhering to some recommendations.

• Do not use the fact of treason as a weapon against the offender in the future, do not remember this story to him. Don't demand anything by invoking your generous forgiveness. Don't blame him after being forgiven.
• Do not tell your family or friends about what happened, as this will create a negative image of your partner.
• Do not shout, do not insult the offender, do not humiliate him, do not force him to humiliate himself in front of you. In a situation of adultery, it is very important to maintain human respect for him, for yourself, to keep his respect for you.

• Do not fill grief with alcohol and do not go for revenge in the same way. This does not help to solve the problem, but only makes it even more confusing, nervous and disgusting.
• Do not take revenge on the offender, do not try to spoil his relationship with common children, do not hang "labels".
• Feel free to defend your right to happiness - with or without this person. Don't be manipulated.
• Try to maintain your dignity, however difficult it may be. Do not stoop to fights, obscene expressions, ugly scenes.

After this, it is important to outline the circle of what is permissible so that the partner who once cheated does not think that your forgiveness is a lifelong indulgence that forgives him all his sins for several years in advance. If you are starting a new life, avoid making old mistakes in it - do not pour verbal mud on your ex or the former in front of your new lover, do not retell the circumstances of your separation.

It is important to be open to everything new, not to be confined to your misfortune, not to limit your social circle, not to fall into chronic distrust of all members of the opposite sex. A new meeting may not be far off. It is possible that it was her that you have been waiting for all your life, just do not know about it yet. The boring principle of "Whatever is done is for the better" actually works great.

Should you forgive treason or not, see the video below.