Adultery: reasons, signs and advice from a psychologist

Adultery is a burning topic. Those who suspect it torment themselves and those around them with mental anguish; those who cheat grow weary of lies and constant fear of being exposed. Committed adultery often becomes the reason for divorce and separation. But is cheating as easy as it seems? Are there ways to forgive her and keep the relationship, what reasons push men and women to infidelity, we will tell you in this article.

Everyone puts their own set of ideas into the concept of "treason" and it depends on upbringing, religion, life experience and individual character traits. For some, the fact of bodily, physical betrayal is important, while others attach greater importance to the moral aspect and abused feelings. Cheating is often compared to betrayal. Adultery is considered sinful in almost all religions, and it is condemned. At the same time, the definition of treason as such concerns only sexual intercourse with another partner with whom the person is not married.

In practice, such a definition looks rather sparse and meager, since it does not reflect all the nuances. It is a mistake to believe that infidelity is limited only to the boundaries of the boudoir. The world today offers many ways of other forms of communication outside of marriage., and therefore some consider it treason and virtual communication with someone on intimate topics, and virtual sex and other electronic forms of erotic communication.

Adultery, despite the fact that it appeared in antiquity, almost simultaneously with the institution of marriage, is shrouded in many myths, which also leave their imprint on the idea of ​​adultery as such. Thus, it is believed that rich men and women cheat more often than poor ones. This is not so - moreover, it is poor women who are more prone to cheating than rich ones, which cannot be said about men.

It is believed that the cheater is the one who has stopped loving or did not really love. This is fundamentally not so, very often cheaters treat their soulmates with reverence and tenderness and their plans do not include divorce and separation. Love as a feeling and sex on the side without such a feeling delimits the majority of men, which cannot be said about women, since for them and "on the side" there should be at least a minimal emotional, sensual component.

Many people believe that “good sex in the family doesn’t walk away”, and sincerely believe that variety in the bedroom is a panacea for betrayal of a partner. Not at all, as there are other causes of adultery, and sexual dissatisfaction is far from the most important of them. The statements that men cheat more often than women are, in principle, true, and sociologists also confirm this: 75% of unfaithful men in Russia account for up to 25% of women who have decided on adultery.

If you look at the facts of adultery more closely, it will become quite obvious that men and women are cheating for different reasons. This was also emphasized by the famous Russian sociologist Andrei Zaitsev, who devoted a considerable part of his work to the issues of preserving the institution of marriage.

Andrey Zaitsev identified several reasons typical for male and female adultery. At the same time, very interesting trends have emerged. If earlier it was believed that men go "to the side" solely at the call of nature, which dictates polygamy and irrepressible libido to them, then sociological studies have shown that due to dissatisfaction with the quality or quantity of sexual relations in marriage, only 9% of the stronger sex change. Another 2% honestly admit that they have outstanding sexual needs and abilities, which clearly exceed similar indicators, while they do not in any way connect their adventures "for the sake of health" with the area of ​​feelings, love, and they do not destroy their family.

Please note that much more men (from 14%) claim that they began to cheat because of the need for falling in love, for emotional new sensations, and sex, as such, did not play a role. This often happens in families in which the spouses are already accustomed to each other, the feelings have faded somewhat, but they have not lived so much together to come to terms with the spiritual vacuum that has arisen after the loss of a vivid love.

About 6-7% of men meet new true love outside the family. And there is nothing to be done: as a rule, their marriages end in divorce on their own initiative or on the initiative of their wife. Self-esteem is raised up to 10% of unfaithful men, but here we are talking mainly about representatives of the stronger sex with low self-esteem. Up to 9-10% of men indicate that the reason for the betrayal was a long business trip, departure; at the same time, the majority of such men do not see anything criminal in temporarily replacing a spouse who has left. In 14% of cases, men indicate "randomness" as the reason. This is a whole complex of various circumstances in which he simply could not resist or did not give himself a full account: a corporate party, a company with alcohol. A small degree of alcoholic intoxication increases sexual desire and weakens internal inhibitions even in very principled men.

For reasons of revenge, men rarely cheat, but a conflict with a wife, a quarrel, may well push a representative of the stronger sex to adultery just to prove to himself that he is a free and independent person.The peculiarities of male betrayal are that most cheaters are usually confident in their own abilities: if the spouse suddenly finds out, he will be able to resolve the issue with gifts, persuasion, scandal or blackmail in the end. Men are more often sure that the wife will not know anything and will not guess anything.

For the most part, female infidelity is an escape from family relationships that do not suit her. The most common cause of female adultery is a situation in which the wife does not feel the love of her husband, does not see its manifestations, does not receive emotional support, attention, and does not have financial and household help. This is the reason for cheating in about 35% of cases, in any case, this is exactly what women indicated in an anonymous survey conducted by Zaitsev. On the “side”, therefore, a woman is looking not so much for sex as for emotional support and attention.

It can be more difficult for a woman to decide on treason, she goes to her for a longer time, and, as a rule, more women decide on a serious relationship "on the side" than men. Therefore, there are often cases when true love outside of marriage forces a woman to abandon the ancient instinct of preserving the hearth and destroy the family for the sake of a new life. Men usually do not take revenge by treason for treason, but this can be expected from a woman: up to 10% of unfaithful wives reported that they were cheating on their husband just because he cheated on them. Women over the age of 35 sometimes try to prolong youth, to increase self-esteem, if their spouses do not understand that even after 15 years of marriage, the wife really needs male admiration.

About 2% of cheaters decide to cheat for purely business (career) reasons, and about 4% of unfaithful wives cheat because of a coincidence - corporate events, alcohol. About 1% of unfaithful married women indicate that they use adultery as a way to earn extra money for themselves or receive expensive gifts from their lover. A distinctive feature of female infidelity is the presence of one lover, while a man may have several mistresses at the same time. Moreover, more often a woman completely refuses intimacy in the family, while an unfaithful husband can maintain sexual contacts with both his wife and his mistress.

Usually, women begin to guess that they are being cheated on earlier than men, since women are characterized by developed intuition. There are a lot of ways to identify treason in the family, it all depends on what the deceived spouse considers acceptable and acceptable to himself personally. It is easier for some to have a heart-to-heart talk with a partner, put everything on the shelves, look at the partner's reaction and draw conclusions. Others arrange espionage, with reading messages, checking a mobile phone, e-mail, and spying on the route to and from work. Still others hire a private detective or ask a friend to watch her husband. Still others set up a fake account on the Internet and flirt with their own spouse in a false name and incline them to intimacy.

There are many signs that may indicate cheating. But each of them (and we must not forget about this!) May not talk about anything like that. For example, giving up sex can also be a sign of illness, stress, fatigue, and nothing more; and being late home from work can be explained by a man's desire to meet a friend, drink beer. It is very easy to come up with an imaginary betrayal and begin to suffer for it for real. And then it will be just a stone's throw to the pathological form of jealousy: paranoid delirium. Even if the betrayal of a partner fell upon you unexpectedly "like snow on your head", there is always a way out, it is only important to know exactly what you want, whether you want to maintain the relationship and whether you are ready for corrective work "over mistakes".

The answer to this question is very simple. Revenge is destructive not only for the one who is being avenged. First of all, it cripples and deforms the personality of the one who takes revenge.It is based on anger and anger, it kills all the best in a person that was given to him initially. Of course, the desire to take revenge on the cheater for outraged feelings and lost trust, especially at the very beginning, will be strong. He must be dealt with at any cost. Don't get low, don't lose your self-esteem.

After the situation is well thought out, the reasons are analyzed, an understanding will come - to forgive or not to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of strong people and adults. Only generous people know how to forgive. There is a reason to become the same, because you still need to forgive a person, even if continuing to live with him is not part of your plans. To forgive means to justify, admit and share your own guilt in what happened. But do not get carried away and do not start engaging in self-criticism.

It is possible to save a family after adultery only if both spouses are in the mood for it and want it. It is important to remember that after the cheater is forgiven, certain changes must occur in the life of the couple. Leaving everything as it is is impossible. Household responsibilities and general obligations need to be negotiated and discussed. It is necessary to eliminate the original cause of the betrayal. Saving a family will require a lot of spiritual and psychological work on oneself. And each of the partners will deal with it. Otherwise, it will not be possible to save the family.

Given the large number of reasons that can become a motive for adultery, there is no specific prevention of cheating. Just read the section on what most often leads to infidelity in husbands and wives again, and try doing the opposite. It is important for a man to more often express his feelings for his wife, not to skimp on tenderness and participation, care. It is important for a woman to avoid hysterics and scandals from scratch, suspicion and dryness in the manifestation of her feelings for her spouse - a kind word and a man is pleased!

Common interests and common leisure are able to hold the spouses together better than any prohibitions and restrictions. And friendly participation in the life of a loved one and the refusal of criticism, claims and nagging will increase the degree of trust in each other, which ultimately will become a solid foundation for an honest relationship. Unfortunately, all these measures do not guarantee betrayal "by coincidence", an involuntary adultery, but in the presence of good relations it will be much easier to forgive and accept the situation, and find a worthy way out of it.

For signs of adultery, see the next video.