Cheating wife with husband's friend: reasons and further actions

Cheating on a wife with a spouse's friend is not uncommon. She is not only the favorite scenario of the directors of the series, but also a completely unattractive reality, since, according to statistics, women quite often choose their husband's friend as their lover (permanent or one-time). The leaders among the lovers of married women, of course, are work colleagues (up to 35% of all female infidelities), but adultery with the spouse's friends also accounts for a substantial share - up to 22%. In this case, three people find themselves in a difficult situation at once - husband, wife and friend. Everyone loses more than they gain, but the hardest thing, of course, is for the deceived husband, because for him this is a double betrayal. In this article, we will consider the features and reasons for such a betrayal and tell you whether it is worth forgiving and how to do it if this did happen.

It is difficult to say that it will be more difficult for a man - to forgive his wife who cheated, or to forgive a friend. It so happened that male friendship is always more monolithic than female, and betrayal of a friend for a man can be a much more painful fact than adultery of a wife. The world is literally crumbling for a husband, because he has the illusion that no one else can be trusted in him - neither friends nor women.

For a wife, the situation can develop in different ways. - it all depends on the degree of her feelings for her legal spouse and his friend. For the best friend, the revealed betrayal, most likely, means the end of friendship, no matter how long it may be - biologically polygamous males do not get along in the same territory, and therefore further communication will be almost impossible.

The deceived spouse, as soon as the first sharp and sudden pain subsides a little, he will definitely undertake an internal analysis of the reasons why his mistress decided on such an act. At the same time, he will almost internally justify the act of a friend - he understands that there are situations when he gives up an opportunity and does not use it above masculine powers. But he can hardly understand why the friend did not remember his duty to him.

Sociologist and President of the Association of Sociologists of the Russian Federation Andrei Zaitsev, who, unfortunately, died in 2015, studied the psychology of adultery in Russia. He tried to find the deepest reasons that push men and women to infidelity. Numerous sociological studies that he conducted showed that, in his imagination, up to 59% of the fair sex cheats on their husbands. In practice, about 25% of women do this. Moreover, most often the betrayal is of a one-time nature (80%), where less often women maintain a long-term intimate relationship with their lover.

Why a husband's friend? Because he is more often than other men in the same company with his spouses, because with a long and close friendship, people usually make friends with "families"because he is well known to a woman and they have a lot in common. Sometimes wives even consult with the spouse's best friend - first about what to buy for the husband as a gift, and then about family problems, they ask for advice. More often, such a betrayal occurs involuntarily, under the influence of the situation, it is not planned - they drank too much, found themselves alone in some difficult or tragic circumstances, etc.

Boredom is a common cause. - the woman has a lot of free time, and the relationship with her husband began to fade away, an inevitable addiction to each other occurred, the feelings are not the same, sex has lost its novelty, resentments have accumulated over the years. If, at the same time, a friend of the husband is near more often than the husband himself, then trouble is not far, especially since the husband has no time all the time, and the friend is always ready to listen to the woman, especially if he likes her.

Another question is why the wives of friends always seem more attractive than their own? It is difficult to explain this, most often - the reason is the desire to feel adrenaline, to please someone other than his own legal wife, as well as the natural rivalry for men for the possession of a large number of females. No matter how we talk about the consciousness and predominance of man over the natural world, the actions and actions of people are very often latently governed by the ancient laws of the animal world. And you can't get away from this.

A woman for treason, according to sociologists and psychologists, has other reasons:

• dissatisfaction with the quality or quantity of sex in marriage;
• treason for treason - mirror revenge on the husband for similar behavior;
• self-affirmation, increasing one's own self-esteem;
• lack of common interests, common goals with the spouse;
• real new feelings.

It should be noted that it is not so often that they really fall in love with their husband's friend. But if this happens, then usually it is no longer possible to stop the woman from breaking up the family. In other cases, women who are more attached to the home, feel guilty and are not ready for a divorce.

The risk factors that a man should pay attention to are manifold. More often than others, their husbands are cheated on by women who have received a higher level of education than their spouses, who earn more money, financially independent women, women who very rarely see their husbands due to his employment, as well as those who face a chronic lack of understanding on the part of their legal spouse.

A lot for a man and other participants in adultery depends on how and under what circumstances the betrayal was discovered. The most dangerous situation is that the husband returned ahead of time and found his wife and his friend in an unambiguous position. It is in such situations that spontaneous murders most often occur.

If at the same time the man managed to cope with the desire to grab knives and axes, then he should leave the apartment or the place where he found lovers as soon as possible. It is not worthwhile to scandalize or try to figure out what is happening. Not now, anyway.

If the husband did not witness the betrayal, but the information reached him and it is reasonable and confirmed, but then the forecasts for lovers are much more favorable. The deceived husband, again, is not recommended to immediately arrange a trial.

At first, there will be denial, an unwillingness to accept reality as it is. Then the stage of protest will begin - it is important for more than one to cope with this stage. Let there be someone nearby who can stop you from making erroneous actions - a brother, comrade, neighbor, work colleague.

It is unlikely that friends will advise to forgive the guilty wife. This, in the understanding of most men, is unacceptable. But there will be a lot of advice on how to subtly and cruelly deal with an already former friend. Is this what you want to hear? Most likely no. If you go to a psychologist or psychotherapist - it’s beyond your strength, you will have to make a decision on your own.

Try to isolate yourself, look at the situation from the outside, on behalf of each of the participants. Make an appointment with your wife - you definitely need to talk, even if you no longer intend to keep the family. Should I make an appointment with a friend? It's up to you, but he is unlikely to say something original, most of the comrades caught in adultery begin to shift the blame for what happened to their wife, and sometimes they even blame the deceived husband for not listening to advice when he chose this woman as his companion life. If there is a need to talk with a former friend, speak up, but in no case try to provoke a fight or reprisal. Just a calm tone, no accusations.

It is important with your wife to try to figure out together why everything happened. If the husband himself indirectly created favorable conditions for adultery, he must honestly and openly admit it. To insult or beat a woman is beneath the dignity of a real man, and therefore it is not worth stopping to the level of the marginal for sure.

Can you forgive your wife in this situation? Can. Is it possible to keep a family? You can, too. But it should be clearly understood whether this is necessary. The fact is that forgiveness in itself is not an instant, not an instant thing, it comes gradually, consciously, you still need to "live" to it. If a woman refuses dialogue, wants a divorce, do not humiliate herself. You shouldn't make her humiliate herself if she begs for forgiveness. To revel in the sight of a crying woman crawling on her knees is psychological sadism.

If a woman is determined to preserve the family, take time out for reflection, do not rush.In addition to an unpleasant and difficult act, your wife is also important for you in something else: she is a good person, an excellent mother, a caring spouse. This can sometimes outweigh the resentment. Consider the fact that she herself can be terribly repentant for what she has done. Does she have room for error? And you? If you are a sane person and understand that all people have the right to make mistakes, now is the time to answer the question, will you forgive her.

Men often depend on public opinion, and there are much more of the fairer sex. They are worried about what friends and comrades, relatives and neighbors will say, if the fact of a spouse's betrayal with a friend has already become public knowledge. And they, most likely, will say he is a henpecked and weak-willed person, since he was able to stay and live on with this woman. You need to honestly answer yourself to the question - which is more expensive: the opinion of society or relations with a particular woman. If the latter is the case, then there is no need to look back at those around you.

If everything inside resists the idea of ​​going back to bed with this woman, sitting at the same table, then you should not return to the relationship. If you want to keep your family together, act boldly. Forgiveness in such a situation requires a great deal of courage and generosity from a man, great love for his family, for his wife.

The method proposed by Abraham Harold Maslow, an American psychologist and founder of the school of humanistic psychology, will be very useful at this stage. He proposed replacing one negative thought-form with two useful and constructive actions. The method is called effective action, it is widely used in psychotherapy of loss, disappointment and other painful problems that can be difficult to survive.

How it works: in the morning, at breakfast, the husband remembered the unpleasant act of his wife, threw her an insulting word. Following this, he must do two real creative things, for example, help a neighbor in the garage change the starter on the car for free, and also go to his mother-in-law and voluntarily offer her help in painting the walls in the pantry. For every negative action, there must be a positive reaction. Gradually, unpleasant memories are forced out of memory. Forgetting completely, of course, will not work, but it helps a lot to get distracted from your suffering.

You don't need to humiliate your wife, put your own conditions on her, totally control her and suspect treason until old age. Keeping quiet is also a sure way to divorce. Try to understand and respect her as a person, as your companion, as the mother of your children.

It will be difficult to establish sexual contacts - technical difficulties may arise with the actual fulfillment of the spousal duty. If six months after the infidelity you cannot independently establish an intimate life with your wife, you should contact a psychotherapist - such conditions are corrected by hypnotherapy and other techniques.

If you are a lucky man who is lucky to have both a beautiful wife and a best friend in your life, take care of them and try to keep the relationship between all of them at the proper level. It is important from the very beginning to outline the boundaries of what is acceptable for a friend and for a spouse - their meetings without your presence, in fact, are not needed by anyone. If, of course, you are in the hospital, and they both came to visit the patient, then this is understandable.

Try to be closer to your spouse, always support her point of view in arguments with your best friend, “play along” with her. If a woman feels support from her husband, she is unlikely to covet his friend.And the comrade himself will quickly understand that this territory is a "taboo" for him.

Solve your personal problems with your wife, not with a friend, do not discuss her behind her back with a friend. In quarrels, it is better to deal with her, listen to her and do not leave the dialogue, otherwise she will find "free ears" in the person of your close friend.

Be vigilant on joint holidays, especially if they are held at a laid table or in nature with alcoholic accompaniment. Do not quarrel with your wife after a glass of alcohol, do not leave her alone for a long time, do not offend, especially with friends, so as not to create the basis for a friend to intercede for her or begin to express his sympathy to her. On such a fertile soil, the seeds of adultery quickly grow.

For the reasons for cheating on a wife with a friend of her husband, see the next video.