Is it worth forgiving a wife's betrayal and how to do it?

In society, there is an opinion that men are less sensitive, that they are less likely to worry about love mistakes and failures. In fact, representatives of the stronger sex suffer no less than women, they just better “disguise themselves”. One of the most difficult questions for men is the question of whether it is worth forgiving the chosen one for the fact of betrayal. The complexity of the situation is that a man simply has nowhere to go for advice: friends and comrades, as well as parents, are unlikely to understand, and it is not proper for an adult man to complain to his mother about his wife's behavior. Russian men are not used to visiting a psychologist, so they are left alone with their misfortune. In this article we will try to find a way out and show you how to pull yourself together and make a fateful decision.

Until 2015, a wonderful doctor of sciences, sociologist Andrei Kirillovich Zaitsev lived and worked in Russia, who devoted a large section of his scientific work to psychology and the social aspects of adultery. He argued that up to 59% of women are mentally ready to cheat on their spouse. But to be ready mentally and to translate thoughts into reality are two different things. The statistics of Zaitsev's studies showed that in fact, up to 25.4% of women cheat on their husbands. In other words, every fourth. If this figure is outraged, then pay attention to the actual number of male infidelities - almost 75%. It is clear that these numbers do not in the least calm the man who was cheated on by his beloved, and therefore let's understand the motives.

A woman, in general, is characterized by a great attachment to the family, home, women less often break up their marriages, less often they leave their husbands for another man. And yet sometimes they cheat. There are reasons for that.According to the data of the same Andrei Zaitsev, women rarely go to long-term relationships “on the side” - only 20% of cheaters have a permanent lover, the rest have a “history” of a one-time fact of infidelity.

Among the reasons that the respondents anonymously indicated in the questionnaires during the study, the most common is boredom. The woman just got bored and routine. Relations with her husband have lost their former romance, they do not admire her daily and nightly, they do not sing serenades and do not commit rash acts for the sake of love. It is understandable - the wife has been married for a long time. If a man underestimates the importance of romantic experiences for his wife, then it is possible that one of the four such wives will nevertheless decide on an affair or romance "on the side". This is the reason given by 22% of women.

Other reasons are in the following order:

• dissatisfaction with sex (quantity, quality, emotional content of sexual intercourse) - 13.5%;
• cheating as revenge for her husband’s betrayal - 10.5% of the fair sex;
• new "real" love, new feelings - 5% of women;
• self-affirmation, a way to increase self-esteem - 3% of women;
• coincidence of circumstances (a state of alcoholic intoxication, a fleeting flamboyant romance at a corporate party, at a resort) - 1.5% of women.

According to experts, there are special prerequisites for female adultery, which, for the most part, are not characteristic of the stronger sex. Studies have shown that most often a woman cheats under the following circumstances:

• the woman had a rich sexual experience before marriage, changed many partners;
• her level of education is higher than that of her husband;
• a woman is financially independent of her husband, has a good job and a normal level of income (as an option, she feeds her family);
• a woman rarely sees her husband, communicates little with him and has no common interests (hobbies, music, films);
• the woman is too young (under 23) or has crossed the 45-year mark.

Be that as it may, sometimes it is very difficult to determine the cause - it is not obvious or is a symbiosis of several risk factors at once.

Before deciding whether to forgive or not forgive a wife who betrayed and cheated, you should at least try to find out the reason. It is good if the spouse voices her herself, worse - if she is silent. In this case, you will have to think for yourself, and these reflections may not be the most pleasant for pride. If you put everything “on the shelves”, then very often the preconditions that the man unwittingly created himself are revealed - he loved little, did not hug or kiss, did not share her interests and was not interested in her affairs, did not attach importance to feelings in sex, believing that a mechanical process is enough for a woman for pleasure.

In the heat of the moment, while indignation and resentment are boiling inside, no decisions should be made. The likelihood of a wrong decision, which the man will later regret, is too high. There are actually two ways out: to collect things and nobly vacate the living space, going into a new life in search of new love, or to stay in the family and try to forgive the spouse. It may take a little time to think - a few days, or maybe several months, and therefore first you need to decide in what environment it will be more comfortable to live this time.

Everything is individual here. Some prefer to stay at home and proudly be silent, others go to the dacha, to their mother, to a friend on a cot, to work with a cot. It is your right. If only nobody bothered to think.

Much also depends on how the culprit behaves.- if the woman you love repents and now regrets what happened, if she is open to dialogue, then it will be easier to negotiate. Usually, after cheating, women really feel a lot of guilt and shame.There are individuals who continue to insist on their innocence, attributing everything that happened to the circumstances, the lover or the deceived husband (“it’s his own fault”). They, as a rule, avoid communication after the fact of infidelity is revealed.

You should not assume that a man who is ready to forgive the betrayal of his beloved and stay with her further is a weak-willed person. Yes, in his environment there are many friends who will argue that way (and even in his eyes), but this decision is worthy of respect from whatever side you look at. It is difficult for men to change their usual life, especially if the marriage has been going on for a long time (there are children, shared loans and mortgages, mutual friends). The desire to keep the family together can be stronger, and that's a good thing. Forgiving his wife, he will show nobility and generosity.

The best tactic for a man who decides to forgive is Maslow's method of effective action. In short, for every negative thought about the wife's actions, about her personality, for every episode of self-pity, there should be at least two active creative actions. Example: once I thought: “Why is she doing this to me? I mean both for her, and she ... ”- helped an elderly neighbor to take out the trash, voluntarily washed the dishes and helped the child do his homework. Or so: once he reproached his wife for her offense - twice he went to his mother-in-law and helped with the housework. Works flawlessly. Positive activity quickly replaces mental distress.

To forgive or not is up to the man to decide. There is no one to advise him. Only he himself can assess the circumstances, weigh the depth of his feelings, the willingness of his wife to dialogue.

If a decision is made to save the family and forgive the spouse, you must definitely start with a serious and confidential conversation. There is no need to make excuses and blame her, you just need to summarize your reflections out loud - “you did this, it already happened, but I was also not attentive enough (sympathetic, caring, faithful, etc.)”. Don't say "You", talk more about how you are feeling now. Call things by their proper names - "offensive", "difficult", "scary", "unpleasant". But be sure to summarize - you love her, you want her to be there.

The principle formulated by the famous psychologist Polina Gaverdovskaya will help to forgive your wife: "No one in the world is obliged to meet your expectations." Apply this to yourself and your wife. Consider a separate person in it, and not an attachment to your beloved. This will help you make a decision with respect for your partner.

Try to look at the situation as an outsider. Imagine watching a movie in which the characters (both of you) find themselves in a certain situation. See how "your" character will behave. If he starts screaming and rushing about, ruining everything and hitting his wife in the face, then you should not start the relationship anew. Internal aggression will one day come out, because, like everything secret, it tends to become obvious.

Agree with your wife about the rules for future life - you do not remember adultery (although, of course, you cannot really forget), she does not repeat such actions. You don't tell anyone about what happened, you never reproach her, she never reminds you of what happened.

Forgiveness does not come immediately. It is a gradual, slow and time-consuming process.

Do not think that after reconciliation, the wife will do everything herself, and the relationship will become wonderful again. It will not happen. We need to work together to rebuild the family, there are no other options. What does this mean? This means that you will have to reconsider your daily life. Come home from work earlier, drink beer with friends less often and devote more time to your wife - go to the cinema with her, to the theater, just take a walk in the evening before going to bed. Be sure to take on some of the parenting responsibilities. It is they who have the magical ability to shape their mother's attitude towards the man they value and love. If you are not ready for this, you should not try to place all responsibility for the relationship on the head of the guilty wife.

Take the Maslow practice described above, which probably helped you in the first days and weeks after a personal drama for the two of you. Do creative things together - make repairs in the kitchen together, try to diversify your intimate life.

It is difficult to say what can be done if the wife has cheated. The answer depends on how the man was brought up, in what family he grew up, what examples he saw in the person of his parents, what books he read. But with the list of what cannot be done, every man in this situation should definitely familiarize himself with it, so as not to aggravate the situation.

• Fall into alcoholic "anesthesia". Mental pain increases in proportion to the amount of alcohol, remember this in the most difficult moments.
• To devalue all women, to become cynical towards them. Whether you have forgiven your wife or not, other women are innocent. Think about the wives of the Decembrists, about Juliet, about hundreds of thousands of Soviet women who were waiting for their husbands from the front. The negative attitude will diminish.
• To humiliate your wife. It doesn't matter if you leave or stay, just respect her as yourself. Don't humiliate or dictate terms.
• Open your hands, even if you really want to slap the other half. This will not add either honor or masculinity in the universal human sense of the word.
• Set up children, parents, mutual friends against the wife (or ex-wife), form a negative opinion about her. Nobody needs to know about things that only concern you two. Let everything remain your secret.
• Do not lose self-esteem if the marriage has not been saved or there is nothing left to save.

Watch a video on the topic.