Why does the son hate his mother and what to do?
The relationship between members of the same family is full of mysteries. At first glance, it seems that between very close people, the connection should be just perfect. However, this is not always the case. Sometimes hatred makes adjustments to the relationship. Why it happens? There must be very good reasons for this.
Possible reasons
Psychology says: hate is a destructive feeling. It occurs when one person has done something bad to another. It becomes especially offensive when a son appears to be hostile to his own mother. In this case, the woman is gnawed by the fear of loneliness. Then in her mind there is a rethinking of the situation. As a result, the reasons that could lead to such consequences are clarified. It is then that you need to face the truth and remember the moments that caused the development of hatred. Let's consider this issue in more detail.
Your son was once young. He reached out to you and tried to talk about his problems. At this time, you were only passionate about your work, so every time you pushed him away. When your son became an adult, he stopped needing your care. Nevertheless, your indifferent attitude will forever remain in his memory.
You publicly scolded your son for various offenses that he did not even commit. Thus, you tried to prove to others that you are strict with your child. You can't treat children like that.
You must protect your child, and not subject him to flogging for the sake of strangers.
With the onset of adolescence, children become the most sensitive to various negative life manifestations. If a teenage son experienced difficulties in communicating with peers, and you did not pay attention to this fact, then over time he will cease to perceive you as a loved one. The son will begin to hate the mother only because he did not find support.
How to build relationships?
There is no single answer to this question. You are a mother, so you must instinctively find an approach to your adult son yourself. However, there are general guidelines that will help.
- First of all, remove parental egoism from your consciousness. You must understand that your son has already grown up. He can make his own decisions, and he can also do without your help.
- If your son does not want to communicate with you, then leave him alone for a certain time. Let him feel complete freedom from your presence.
- Remember that you cannot be cute. Therefore, do not demand attention to yourself, but just wait. Do not even doubt that over time, both you and him will come to the realization that you are close people.
- You have to pay for mistakes. Let your short-term isolation from your son be a punishment. At the same time, it will inevitably lead to a correction of the situation. Over time, everything will work out for you. Do not even doubt it.
Psychologist's advice
You are a mother and should be wiser. Therefore, if you want to improve relations with your son, proceed carefully. Don't put pressure on him. And then you can rely on the following points.
- Admit your past mistakes to avoid repeating them. If you realize that in some cases you have gone too far, then do not do it again.
- If you feel you have hurt your son very badly by your ever-perfect actions, ask him for forgiveness.
- Always put yourself in your son's shoes... Before doing anything, think about the consequences.
- Before strongly advising your son, also think about the negative consequences. Let your son make this or that decision himself, and you support him in this and gently guide him in the right direction.
- Talk to your son on an equal footing. Let him know that you are treating him like an adult.
- If a conflict situation arises, try not to reproach your son. Just shut up. Allow both of you to calm down, and then continue the dialogue in a peaceful environment.
- If a third party is to blame for your conflict, for example, the spouse of a son, then do not force him to make a choice between you and your wife. Remember that the power is on your side. There can be many wives, but only one mother. Therefore, do not worry too much about a woman who is not worthy of your son.
Thank you for the article! My son does not work, drinks a little and spends time in no one knows where. Maybe he steals a little from my husband and me, or maybe he trades with friends somewhere. I try to be wiser, I admit my mistakes: why did I scold him for his being late to school, for being rude and not done his homework. Now I do not scold him and even apologize, even when he crawls home drunk. I put myself in his place and understand the consequences. After all, when my husband and I die, our son will have nothing to live on, and he will go to prison or die trying to take money from someone. Therefore, we save money from our pensions so that he lives longer. I never blame him. He always yells at me - then I just stop talking. I'm waiting for him to calm down. But after reading your article, I realized that there are still many surprises ahead that I had not even thought about. Now I will wait for a homeless woman, because of whom I will also worry, but should not, because I am a mother, strength is on my side, and my son in his heart loves me more. Thank you author!
Just to the point! Super!
Aksania, I read your comment and thought that you were "trolling" a psychologist. I especially liked about the homeless woman and about the fact that you are saving money for your son. You have to think of this! Listen less to such "under-psychologists" whose mother is to blame for everything. You don't have to blame yourself for everything. We are human too and we make mistakes. We work a lot, there is not always enough time and energy for a child, and psychologists blame us for this. But we are not robots. Our children grow up and are able to draw the right conclusions themselves.But because of selfishness and because they listen to such psychologists, they begin to consider themselves to be right in everything and blame the mother for all troubles.
I completely agree with you !!!
Sometimes she scolded her son for coming home from school dirty or late ... Now that he has grown up, he has everything: work, education, housing. And he still hates me. Because I live better than him, my house is higher than his, and I am financially better off. So I'm 55, and he is still 36, and he is ready to bury me alive. Do you understand? I didn't bring him up like that, I wanted him to become kind and decent, and to grow up as an evil and envious egoist. I came to the conclusion, probably, if they were malnourished, lived from hand to mouth, like boarding children, they would love their parents as well as they do. Probably, he would have grown up different, loved me. I don’t understand this whole philosophy of raising children.
Larissa, I sympathize with you. I don't know exactly where you made mistakes in raising your son, but I want to correct you about boarding school and orphanage children. No need to idealize! Maybe there are some among them who love their parents, but such cases are rare. An acquaintance of mine took a boy from an orphanage as a schoolboy. How she cared and cherished him! And he grew up an egoist and a drunkard, hates her, expects only inheritance from his mother.
In addition to upbringing, genes, character, environment, etc. also play a role.
Excuse me, but if such an unhealthy relationship, then the mother is to blame.
Excuse me too, but any normal mother is ready to give up and do everything to make her child feel good. A grown son is an adult, not a child! Just selfishness and self-love is the scourge of modern society, so there is no kindred love.
Yes, that's how it is!
Right!!!
Of course, only the parents can be guilty, the children themselves never!
I agree with you, Lena, one hundred percent. I raised my son alone and laid my whole life on him. Thanks to me, he received a paid education (first in college, and then at the university), a decent apartment, a car. I have always helped him financially. The cost of the wedding was completely borne by me. Of course, there were probably mistakes in upbringing ... but who doesn't? My son grew up ungrateful and blames me for all his failures. He is 36 years old and he told me that he did not owe me anything, although, by and large, he had not earned anything in his life. Now he sat on his wife's neck, quit his job, felt that he could now live without my help and completely abandoned me. Thank God, I do not depend on him financially and live separately. Now I am in a covid hospital, and he called me once and happily congratulated me on this event. I absolutely disagree with psychologists, who see the whole reason in the mother. Now I understand why my son treats me this way. He has heard enough of such "would-be psychologists" and exactly repeats this nonsense.
These psychologists study in order to destroy the institution of the family.
I have a situation similar to yours. My son is 28 years old, he hates me, and the philosophy of psychologists does not work in my case.
A similar situation: his son is 29, he also hates, he went over to his father, for 6 years she did not see her son, he refuses to communicate. She raised her, loved her as best she could, the father left us, and the son went over to him.
I don’t know what should have happened to go over to my father, who left him. And at the same time, they raised, loved ... Children are not stupid and can easily identify manipulations, like falsehood, they can absorb various information, and then draw conclusions. Many grievances come from childhood, and disclose them already in adulthood, because now they are usually independent and they do not need to be afraid.
What grudges? What could have happened in order to see the light in many years?
They will live to see gray hair and they all carry around with childish grievances. You need to grow up!
At what age did the son go to his father?
This is terrible. I'm afraid of the same. My son is also 29 ... I put my whole soul into him: education, housing, everything is there. I haven't seen my father for 24 years, he never helped us a penny, but my son began to take an interest in him, and I was rude, obscene, horror .. I have no strength, my health is weakening from humiliation and from worry about my son.
I understand you, the same situation, only my son is 24. I learned it, pulled it alone, found a good job. Now he doesn't care for me. The heart is torn apart.
I believe that we should not expect anything from children at all, but they should not expect anything from us. Grew up, left the family, then your problems. I'm 33, I never counted on anyone, I have been working since I was 16. Mother never loved me, but I had everything I needed. I grew up a grateful child, I help her financially every month and twice a year I send her to rest abroad. I have a son (he is 13 years old), I give him love and care, but he grows up as an egoist and says that he waits until I die ... so you don’t know which is better - to love or not to love and to slaughter. I am expecting a Child, and he wishes me death ... so my conclusion is not to love children. Raising my mother towards me may have been right!
You are very right! You are doing the right thing to take care of your mom !!! Parents raised !!! They gave everything they could !!! You need to be grateful children, not adult selfish !!! Now you need to help the parents, and not finish them off !!! A lot of parents have a hard time running out of work!
So I began to think so. My son is 17 years old, he hates us, although he is growing in abundance. Devalues everything. He himself does not want anything, he says that because of us he has depression, although we do not ask for anything around the house. We try to fulfill everything that he wants (so that he grows up not deprived and free). And here's the bottom line. He also wants us not to be. But I hope that this is childish, because I myself only recently realized that parents are not chosen and I am grateful to them. But my mother-in-law kept everyone under oppression - all the children love her, respect her, care ... and where is the line? ..
You're right!
Just to the point. My script was written off. I don't know where I made the mistake. Itself 20 years lived with strangers, dreamed that I would have an apartment! She learned her son in an English special school. He studied at 3 technical schools, dropped out, then at a school for working youth and 3 institutes. I paid for one university: he did not go there, but received a diploma. Now I'm paying a mortgage for him, I'm tired of it. I start asking for money - do you want to throw us out with a small child? I'm upset that I don't respect, speak through clenched teeth, despise. I bought myself a new BMW on credit. The husband does not want a scandal, he fights in front of him. Genes are all good, all relatives are honest, hardworking. What I did wrong? She pulled him out everywhere, taught him, arranged for a job so that he would not get drunk and not addicted to drugs. I'm not worried about being left alone. But I'm worried that I have a son - a Monster! It turns out that life has been lived in vain.
I understand you very much! Perhaps we are to blame for the fact that we love them very much and sacrifice ourselves, the maternal instinct interferes too much to show adherence to principles, we follow their lead. We do not know how to live our own lives, maybe we need to make them understand that we are also individuals, and not service personnel. Strength and patience!
I finally read the correct answer.
I quite agree with you!
Raising children is a very difficult thing. We all wonder how to educate them so that they grow up as human beings. But here you need to find a middle ground between custody and independence of the child. Giving the child a lot, infringing upon ourselves in many things, we believe that we are doing a good for him, but in fact we teach him to such a consumer life.If it's hard for you, you need to show this to the child from childhood, to talk about how you have to work hard, how hard it is to earn a living and prepare a little person for adulthood, so that, having matured, he understands who he is, why he lives. Overprotection will not lead to good. I know many examples of how these children then sit on their parents' necks all their lives and blame their parents for their failures.
To the very point: I also don't understand how to educate. It turns out that you don't have to do anything for the children: the more you give, the less you get. I don't need mine either.
I understand that the mother is to blame for everything! Loves strongly - badly, loves little - badly.
So my son says that earlier it was necessary to be stricter. It is late now. He does not want to badly, but the fact that he was treated well also condemns. Sly manipulators want to throw all responsibility on the parents.
An adult son hates me ... Now I realize that I myself am to blame for everything: I did not like it, I paid little attention to my son. As a child, he reached out to me, and I pushed him away. I raised my son alone, so I thought more about work. I tried to provide financially, but it was necessary spiritually ... I thought: the stricter I treat my son, the better he will study. I never defended him at school if he was scolded by his teachers. The son graduated from school, institute, now works, became independent. We live in the same house, but he doesn't communicate with me at all ... I asked him for forgiveness, cried, but everything is pointless. My son hates me: I see it in his eyes, but I still love him. I don’t know how to fix the situation. I roar into my pillow at night. Maybe someone will advise what to do ... Is it really forever?
I don't remember repelling. It has always been difficult to get people to talk about problems. From the earliest, even in kindergarten years, he kept repeating that it was "his business"! She had been knocking on the door of his room since the age of 10, so as not to violate the personal space that he valued so much. In theaters, cinema, in computer games - only together until the age of 13. Back and legs massages - up to 16. And in the end the same claims as to you: did not support, did not give advice, pushed away and so on. I asked for forgiveness. But, as they say, "the train left." The past cannot be changed. I feel hatred on my skin. And nothing can be done. You need to accept the situation as it is. And live without children as close people. We raised strangers, once we made our choice. Having overlooked and not being able to feel, sympathize in time. They harbored a grudge in their hearts that grew with them. And more than this offense is only their hatred.
Age up to 3-4 years: the most important period in a child's life, a selfish age. The mother and father should always be on the side of the child in spite of everything. All of these fears are so strong that they will outweigh the benefits of the rest of the age. 4 to 8 years old: Age of Cognition. It forms an idea of the world, most of all collects information from the family and its environment, forming its own reality, because what kind of parents, such is the child. If at this age he is left to himself, then he will absorb everything bad arbitrarily, not caring about what is good and what is bad. 7 to 12 years old: age of joining the team. Teachers become authorities, and classmates dictate what to be like. It all depends on the school and class. The parent here has less and less influence on the child, the main thing is that without tyranny and scandals. 13 to 17 years old: transitional age. As for me, if this is a son, then at this age it is no longer possible to influence the parents on the child. The child is already formed, the time is lost. All that remains is to pray that he has a head on his shoulders, so that he understands everything correctly. Therefore, you need to trust him, which he may later appreciate)) You can put on a "chain" if everything is bad, and then he will break his life. If the son does not respect the mother, then there may be serious problems in his personal life, if there is no father, because there must be authority in the family.
Heaped up nonsense.
What are you to blame? The fact that they tried to raise their son as a normal person? Our grandfathers did not bother too much about the topic "I am to blame." I am guilty - when I left, I betrayed. You didn't have that. This is the Pepsi generation. They are constantly in search of those to blame: they didn’t give it enough away, they didn’t like it, they didn’t let me go, but I wanted it so much. How much can you "blame" your mother ...
And thank you very much for your words of support. I really need it now.
I’m not going to blame myself for disliking, depriving attention, no. But he grew up, and I realized that I had brought up an egoist and a lazy person. It's a shame awful: does not want to communicate, runs past me, like the plague. He told his father that he had made his choice and so decided ... This is despite the fact that he could not communicate with his father at all and now he cannot, since he is a wayward person, he can offend in one word so that it does not seem a little. But I turned out to be completely superfluous. The pressure began to jump, this is with my "working" 100/70. I realized that no, enough. I decided: let it come to him ... No, so OK, let it run by. Life will put it in its place in the head, in the heart, and in the soul.
It's scary to die alone, realizing that your son hates you. It's amazing: sometimes they love mothers, fallen alcoholics, and good mothers are ready to humiliate, insult, just quit ...
Sons love their mothers. Aggression and rejection occurs when mothers try to cross the personal line, the comfort zone, and the imposition of kindness.
That's for sure, there are children who grew up in poverty, wore rags and flogged them, and then they grow up and help, take care. It is not for nothing that psychologists say: you do not need to live for the sake of children and completely dissolve in them.
It is wrong when they say: you are a mother, you must love with unconditional love, forgive everything, smooth over, be wiser. Women are lovely, we don't owe anyone anything. Even if these are our children, why should we endure and humiliate ourselves in front of the people whom we gave birth to, raised (some even without a father) - this is wrong. When they are already boys, or even more so men, they are obliged to respect their mother. And we should not justify their actions with childhood traumas and delve into ourselves. They don’t think when they call names, don’t communicate, they offend, although they are men, and should already be our defenders, and they are traitors. The most offensive thing is when dad does not participate in upbringing, does not help with finances, and then the child, as if nothing had happened with his father, is on good terms (note: they do not take offense at dads), and mom - goodbye ... So, dear ones, stop suffering, live your life, try to find something to do for your soul, do what you could not do before. And do not cheat yourself that it is you who are to blame, and maybe you did not overlook something. You gave everything you could. Remember that you are human too and you have childhood traumas. Be happy.
Alena, how did you write everything correctly? From the age of 5 I raised my son alone: I loved and pitied, scolded and taught ... Maybe somewhere I did something wrong for him: besides our heart, there is no longer a helper and protector nearby. She did as she thought. Yes, I also had a normal son, and then at the age of 15 he was replaced ... After the summer, he began to answer almost with obscenities, and now he is 16. I’m already in shock for a whole year and delving into myself: where am I wrong raised him, I'm bad. They all swear, as it turned out, all his friends. My son remembers me when I need to eat and ask for money. And so that's it - I went to hell, I'm an adult, don't teach me ... And then I realized: there is no man next to me to put him in his place and show how to treat a woman there is no one, that's why he is like that ... I never met anyone, not destiny ... I hope that he will meet the one who will give him another love, and he will learn how to deal with a woman. It is a pity that there was no one to show ...
You obviously have no children. When you fully understand what loneliness and helplessness are, you will understand the experience of these mothers.
Read your text before going to bed every evening.Gold words!
The son is 18 years old. He hates me. Insults with terrible words, humiliates, threatens. I am sorry that I gave birth to him. I didn't need to get pregnant in spite of everything. Is my life over?
Katya, the same bullshit, but I'm 16 and it started after I finished the music school. He got bored, looked for friends, but found some kind of thugs ... What I just did not do: I forbade and threatened with the police, it got to the point that my son began to let go, because he became taller than me and now he is sending ... run away from him, so as not to do anything else for him. I want to punish him with my disappearance so that I understand what Mom is.
Not finished. Let go, since he thinks that you are not worthy of him. My horror and pain have been going on for 20 years with the elder, as a result, the younger turned away from me and, apparently, absolutely does not feel the need to communicate with me and with his relatives. Has seen through. I understand that there will be no support, understanding, respect and love. I rummage in my life, my actions - I am not guilty before my sons. They want to perceive everything in the negative, which means they will perceive it that way. And you can't do anything here. They want to end the relationship. You can't be cute.
Katya, how painful your words are. I feel this pain of yours, your insult. But don't be sorry. Remember that time, the very moment when you felt a new life in yourself - all the moments of happiness with your son from his very birth. Thank God for this, the Universe, the son himself, and the insult will subside. Now the son is already an adult, he himself chooses what to be like, how to whom to relate to, whom to love and respect. And most importantly, he has the right to be wrong. This is the beginning of his life. He has the right to do so. And he should always have the opportunity to correct mistakes. Take this right and just live. Try to forgive, because your upbringing was not without your mistakes. This means that you, too, can count on forgiveness. But you are still a mother, more mature, experienced, wise and still an example. Happiness is within us, we make ourselves happy or unhappy. I wish you to be happy!
All problems with children from the fact that there is no normal husband or just a man who would protect and not give offense. Husbands generally devalue their wives. Sons follow their example.
Agree.
How right you are!
Olya, how right you are!
Only a few women try to really understand the problem. I think this happened due to the fact that in 99% of cases you did not see a little man in your son with whom you need to behave accordingly. Or, in many cases, there was no worthy man next to you, from whom your son would take an example. Either you did not respect your man so much that the son, seeing this, was imbued with deep contempt for you as a woman. You cannot change your son. The only thing you can do is start respecting his father, perhaps then something will change, but there is no guarantee.
In one family, children are different: one is a person with a big heart, the other daughter is heartless! The same upbringing and harmony in the family. It is not clear why this is happening ...
As a rule, the child is your responsibility and your choice. He does not come into this world either bad or good. If the child is not appreciated and not perceived his needs, problems, emotional alienation from the mother appears. All this is due to the unwillingness to understand the child, to listen to him. I had a case in practice when a mother kicked her son out of the house and brought in an alcoholic and parasite roommate (supposedly the son prevented her from building personal happiness). Although the son stood up for his mother more than once. His son is 29 years old, after the army he has military awards, and his mother kicked him out of the apartment. The drunkard was dearer to her than the child. Situations in life are different and children are not always to blame. First of all, you need to look at yourself and your actions, because children follow our example.What we give to our children is what we receive in return. The character of a child is formed up to 5 years old, then it is difficult to change it. Children will honor their parents only if the parents honor their children.
I read the comments ... Girls, I'm not the only one. My son is 21 years old. He does not work, he did not want to study, he barely finished school and then he had to pay. Since the age of 9, my mother and I have been raising him. Dad doesn’t care at all (they don’t even communicate). And now I am the enemy, he is rude to me, swears at me, there is no pity at all. She loves the cat more. There was nothing to spoil for. At the age of 14, he became interested in psychology and made himself a bunch of diagnoses. And now there is depression. He cannot work, but he can walk at night. Doesn't save anything. When he freaks out, he smashes the house. He has a girlfriend with whom they have been together for 5 years. I try not to interfere with them, but at the last meeting I made a remark to her. I didn't even swear, I just read the moral that things are scattered in the room and the dishes are dirty. And our girl is 25 years old. Now he doesn't speak to me normally at all. I try to live, but how difficult it is.
Hello. I have the same situation as many. My son is the second child in the family. Since childhood, he was more drawn to me, but he always saw his father drinking, he did not care for me. His mother also got into everything, considering herself very smart and knowing everything about raising children. Although she herself raised an egoist who drinks and spreads his hands, and not even embarrassed by children. I asked my mother-in-law not to meddle in our life, but she blamed me for everything (supposedly I am to blame for everything, her son did not drink with her, took her across the seas at his own expense) and said that she would still be involved in raising children (if will need to, through the keyhole will crawl through ...). As a result, my son is 12 years old, he is rude to me, speaks in a raised voice. The husband watches this silently.
The article considers options when a mother harmed her child with indifference, lack of time for the child's problems. There are other parents who have been engaged in the child since childhood, solved all his problems, lived the life of a son. As a result, they always remain to blame for everything. I would like to hear the recommendations of experts in this situation. It is clear, we must leave and distance ourselves, and wait for the son to understand or not.
Hello. I want to tell you about my MOM. My mother is 80 years old, she raised us 4 children alone, without a husband (my father died early). She worked like a damn to feed her family, no one helped. All have received higher education, work, do not need anything. I can cry and hurt and hurt when my brothers insult and hurt her (this has been going on for over 20 years). I take her to me, but my mother's heart is still drawn to them. A couple of months ago she was discharged from the hospital, another month after she was on IVs (she barely put her on her feet). And just yesterday, her only grandson, whom she loves very much, insulted her. When she is offended, I don’t want to see any of the brothers. All my efforts to make her conceived life easier are reduced to zero. Moms, YOU ARE NOT GUILTY IN ANYTHING !!! The children have grown up long ago. Do not help such sons, do not waste your strength and nerves on them. Think about it, then, perhaps, forgive. Learn to be a little selfish.
My teenage son hates me. He is 17. He has been engaged in animal husbandry since the age of 11. My husband and I helped him with this. He raised chickens, ducks, there were geese, rabbits and nutria, goats, lambs and pigs. The owner is envy. "Farmer" was the name of the school teacher. Whatever asks - I tried not to refuse. And my husband also helped him in everything. And we are helping now. And my son has very aggressive behavior towards us. It has already become systemic. And in relation to me as a mother, this is horror. This is not aggression, but some kind of malice, simple hatred. I'm scared who our child has become. That son of mine, who has always been a sun and a hard worker, is our universal favorite. I do not know what to do. I have lost interest in life. It's upsetting to me.I don't even see any reason to live on. I complain to my husband about my son's aggression - I see no help or support. No, the husband does not seem to be aggressive, he is more inert. He does not want to strain himself once again. And I just ask him to talk to his son - to find out why he hates me so much and to explain to him that it is impossible with his mother. It's disgusting after all. The son yells at me, insults me with the last words - and this is in the order of things. He is not even ashamed of his behavior. I am ashamed that my son has turned into a monster. At the same time, he meets a girl who carries beautiful huge bouquets of roses once a week. For these bouquets and trips, he earns money by his labor. I am glad that he is a hard worker. I am very proud that he is generous to his girlfriend. He loves her. I'm happy for him. But I cannot understand how two absolutely opposite people can live in one body ?! He has love for the girl. And that's great. I taught him to be not greedy, I am not greedy myself. And I am pleased that he manifests this quality in relation to a girl in such a beautiful and noble form. Here are just his insults against me - the accusations are groundless, just attacks from scratch - all this shocks me. I don't know what will happen next, but it seems to me that after each such attack of my son against me, that my life was wasted. And I think that since he shows love to other people, it means that there is a place for kindness in his heart. But why is there so much cruelty and hatred towards me? For what? I don't know if I was able to express the essence of my painful situation, but it hurts me very, very much. Help advice who can.
The attitude towards this girl will also change - it's a matter of time. A person who does not love his mother is not capable of love in principle (this is my personal opinion). If possible, leave him and step aside.