How to get rid of resentment against your parents?

Feelings of resentment can greatly poison the life of any person. Sometimes resentment can be overcome quickly. But in some cases, this feeling can live in a person's mind for years. The resentment of already grown-up children against their parents is precisely related to such situations. Often it is of a hidden, unconscious nature, so getting rid of it is even more difficult.

The emergence of such a difficult feeling as an offense is associated with an unfair, in the opinion of a person, judgment or deed towards him. Having experienced the negative actions of others (deception, unfounded reproaches, ignorance, evil jokes, insults), a person feels hurt, humiliated. Most often, resentment is accompanied by a desire for revenge. When a grown-up child is seriously and for a long time offended by his mother or father, this greatly traumatizes him. After all, from birth, parents are the closest to everyone. And it is precisely to such dear people that negativity accumulates in the soul.

Let us consider in more detail the nature of children's grievances against their parents.

• Often, grievances are associated with an authoritarian type of upbringing. The child was often punished, deprived of toys and the opportunity to play with peers. The parent-child relationship in this case is almost always very tense and tense.Often in such strict families, the child is reproached for even mistakes and oversights that he did not commit. It also comes to moral humiliation. Mom constantly criticizes her daughter for being inappropriate. Not skimping on expressions, she reprimands her over and over again for her hair or wardrobe details. The father does not see in his son sufficient, by his personal standards, courage, therefore he humiliates him.

• Emotional remoteness of mom and dad. This happens very often in families with late children. Parents of the age hardly delve into the culture of children, youth and youth, they condemn a lot in it. As a result, the interests of the child are criticized. His freedom of choice and creativity is limited. The child can be manipulated to the point that they are forced to study in the specialty that the parents have chosen, and not in the one that is interesting to him.
• Domestic violence and abuse leaves a deep mark on the psyche. It is appropriate to speak here not only about resentment, but also about deep psychological trauma. Not everyone can forgive this.
• In dysfunctional families for various reasons, a tense and unstable situation reigns. If there is alcoholism, drug addiction of one or both parents, then the child's life becomes even unbearable. They practically do not do it, since mom and dad have many problems of their own, often they are not at home at all. They can easily miss important events for the child: school performance, last bell, competition, award presentation.

• It can be offensive to neglect one child in favor of another. It so happens that parents do not hide their favor for a brother or sister, openly bathing them in compliments, attention, gifts and support. Others get only reproaches and remarks, often undeserved. And although it is. by and large, mental disorders of the mom and dad themselves, age problems remain with those who in childhood did not receive parental love.
• Very often, a strong feeling of resentment can be tied to a particular event in childhood, adolescence or early adolescence. The situation in which the parents, in the child's opinion, acted unfairly, is “eaten in” for a long time.
• Transferring interpersonal parenting to children results in unfair treatment. The mother is always unhappy with her husband and can unknowingly humiliate her son, who reminds her of her father. Resentment against a man who has left the family is often transferred to the children of single mothers. In this case, the child is often forced to endure unreasonable rudeness, nagging and offensive remarks.

Childhood resentment can negatively affect many areas of a person's life. Negative thoughts and memories drain the nervous system. And the experience of life in a dysfunctional family is strongly imprinted on the attitude towards marriage and their children already in adulthood.

In particular, an old grudge against mom and dad will likely affect one or more of the following areas:

• psycho-emotional state;
• physical health;
• relationship with a spouse or spouse;
• self-esteem level;
• interpersonal relationships in society;
• relationships with their own children.

Sincere forgiveness is a soul-liberating act. The oppression of heavy negative thoughts falls down, plans for revenge are forever forgotten. For adult children, it is very important to cope with the accumulated emotions. Thus, you will improve your life, and help the most dear people to find peace of mind. Letting go of difficult situations from childhood is not so easy. It’s important to start with a commitment to doing this. The second step is to work through those moments that offended you. You can do this with your parents if you have a good relationship.

Techniques for getting rid of childhood grievances and worries associated with parents

• Try to imagine yourself in the shoes of your mom and dad. Understand the situation and environment from their point of view. Consider their age, financial situation and other events that were happening around at that time. Perhaps other details of the time when you were offended will also come to mind. Maybe your mom was very tired at work, and the family was in a precarious financial situation. Or there was a bereavement of a family member. Ask yourself, how would I feel, how would I act, would I not have made the same mistake? Review the situation in your head, coming up with other, more favorable outcomes. Were they really doable at the time?
• Don't dwell on negative memories. Your childhood is over, and what happened cannot be changed. In return, return more often to happy moments. Now you are an adult and independent person, ready to work seriously with your problems.
• You should not voluntarily and deliberately call yourself a "child of alcoholics" or "an unloved son." Thus, you put a fat point on your spiritual and social development. Even if your parents had weaknesses and serious troubles in life, they still did not abandon you and raised you, no matter what. Remember their merits and strengths.

• Try to talk to your parents about mistakes that they don't want to admit. After all, over the years they have nevertheless become wiser and can look at the past differently. Topics that previously provoked irritation or denial may well be brought up again after a few years. Often, simply admitting that the mother or father is wrong will greatly help the forgiveness process. The past situation loses its acuteness and is gradually forgotten.
• Be prepared for the fact that older parents still do not admit the fact of the unfairness of any actions. This means that in their worldview, the assessment of these situations is somewhat different than yours. It is practically impossible to radically change the established views. Just try not to make the mistake of your parents and, in this situation, accept them as they are.
• Don't take on the role of a judge. Yet we will never overtake our parents in age and life experience. This means that he has no right to demand from them regrets and torments for what they have done by force.
• If you clearly see the mistakes of mom and dad in your upbringing, then you are in luck. After all, you have a great chance not to repeat them in your family on children and grandchildren. And the reason for the unfair or offensive actions of your parents could simply be elementary inexperience and short-sightedness.

• Try to mentally feel sorry for yourself as a child. Think of situations when you were offended by your mother, and imagine that she immediately realized the mistake and apologized to you. It may well be that my mother wanted to do so, but could not step over her pride or was too nervous at that moment.
• Allow yourself to feel sad and even cry over your resentment. Circumstances are unfair and cannot be corrected. Express your sadness and promise yourself that you will tearfully release the hurt from your memory.
• The language of parental love is not always clear and straightforward. Behind the reproaches and remarks, genuine concern can be hidden. Abrupt breakdowns and scandals can be the result of intense emotional distress and attempts to get you back on track. Bans are intended to protect you from dangers that your parents thought were very significant.