Everything you wanted to know about narcissism

It is believed that we live in the era of narcissists. Almost each of us is subject to narcissism or self-flagellation to varying degrees, and these are the realities of social life. Parents strive to have brilliant children, young people dream of achieving success, making a fortune, becoming famous, women - to have an ideal appearance. Modern culture and upbringing encourages this behavior. This material is about what modern psychology puts into the concept of narcissism and where is the line between healthy self-esteem, the desire to prove oneself, to gain recognition and pathology that destroys life.

One of the myths of Ancient Greece tells about the sad fate of a young man named Narcissus. Nature has endowed the young man with a beautiful appearance. The forest nymph Echo had the misfortune to fall in love with a handsome man. He was consumed by himself and neglected the feelings of the innocent creature. Unrequited love ruined the girl. The goddess Aphrodite, in anger, severely punished the self-lover, making him madly in love with his own reflection in the pond. Seeing himself in the mirror-like surface, he could no longer take his eyes off the perfect face and turned into a daffodil flower.

The term came into use at the beginning of the twentieth century. In 1913, the English doctor and psychologist Ernest Jones wrote the book "The God Complex", in which he analyzes the behavior of people who fantasize about omnipotence and similarity. His patients are emotionally unavailable individuals, striving for fame and inadequate social status.

Sigmund Freud finally introduced the term "narcissism" into psychology in 1914 when creating the theory of psychoanalysis. Initially, the psychoanalyst understood this as sexual perversion, in which a child, having taken the mother's place in his dreams, gives himself her love. However, he later came to the conclusion that this is a stage of psychosexual personality development. According to his observations, all children at an early age experience a vivid and strong feeling of self-love. The natural and harmonious experience of this stage leads to the further development of a full-fledged person.

The issues of narcissism in the modern sense were developed by the outstanding Austrian scientist Otto Kernberg. He identified three types of this mental state: mature narcissism, infantile and pathological. The subject of his research was borderline mental states, pathological narcissism and psychopathy.

They made their significant contribution to the study of the problem and made a detailed description of the narcissistic nature of psychoanalysts Heinz Kohut and Nancy McWilliams.

Narcissism is a mental state, the essence of which is the hypertrophied falling in love of a person with himself, his body, personality and an obsession to receive recognition of this from others. Narcissism is inherent in every person to varying degrees. So, a person may like the results of his work, he may consider himself outwardly attractive or gifted in some area of ​​life. This is fine. But admiration for oneself can take a painful form and cause suffering to a person and his environment. In psychiatry, narcissism refers to serious personality disorders that require treatment.

It is difficult for a narcissist to communicate with people. He is not able to build a harmonious relationship. It is difficult to make friends, love, cooperate with a vain person, fixated on his uniqueness, selfish.

At the same time, daffodils are socially successful and realized in creativity. Among the genius people of the planet, there are many figures with pronounced symptoms of a narcissistic personality.

Narcissists are characterized by the following characteristics.

• Excessive sense of self-worth, uniqueness and desire to become the most outstanding in any field.
• Unreal fantasies, the subject of which can be wealth, power, perfect appearance or beautiful love.
• Exaltation and presentation of merit and accomplishments in bright light, many of which may simply be imaginary. At the same time, there is a concentration of attention on the negative sides of others, ridicule in their favor, in extreme cases - up to insult.
• Expectation of admiration from others and the desire to attract increased attention. The narcissist is confused and confused when this does not happen in life.

• Feeling empty inside... It happens that indifference and rejection emanate from such a person. Next time you want to avoid close communication. Arrogance, the ability to withdraw at any time or end contact, distrust - this is what close people have to face when surrounded by a narcissist.
• Idealization and instant devaluation of another person, his merits and work. The narcissist does not need convincing reasons for the first and second. Having overthrown the object of former admiration from the pedestal, he immediately finds another ideal, which awaits the same fate.
• Fear of feeling shame... A high assessment of his own personality, perfectionism does not give him the right to make mistakes and weakness. Realizing that in real life he does not correspond to his transcendental ideals, from the outside he sees himself as insignificant and bad. Has a deep sense of shame about this. And in difficult moments of life, the sensitivity to humiliation and feelings of shame is exacerbated.

• Envy - a character trait that becomes chronic in the narcissist. A narcissist may feel that he is missing something in life, while others do. By unreasonably criticizing, expressing pity and contempt, he may try to destroy the object of envy. Such people envy what they desire, but when they receive it, they immediately devalue it.
• Not recognizing negative feelings... He considers himself an object of envy and intrigue. In his eyes, people should be ashamed of unworthy thoughts and behavior towards him. He tends to blame others for his failures.

• Lack of response to criticism... The slightest attempt by others to reprimand the narcissist can cause fear or aggression in him. Any negative statement hurts deeply. He remembers, replays the painful moment in his head many times, mentally argues, proves the opposite. He perceives it as a personal offense, requires repentance, refutation, and restoration of justice.

• Lack of compassion for people... The narcissist's world revolves around his wants and needs. He takes the care of others for granted and does not seek to thank and respond in kind. In the impulses of the soul, he can show mercy and immediately begin to be proud of his kindness.
• Polarity of states... The feeling of shame, insignificance, one's own inconsistency and falsity is replaced by self-sufficiency, superiority, vanity.
• The desire to compete... Narcissists love to compete and unconsciously evoke this desire in the people around them. Therefore, it is important for them that they are surrounded by people worse than them by some criteria. Victory is another reason to demonstrate your superiority to others. Constantly compare themselves to others. In an easy way, they do it mentally. People who have noticed this trait in themselves suffer a lot about this. After all, such a quality of character does not correspond to moral foundations. In extreme forms, a person cannot stand someone else's success next to him, responds in a condescending tone, scoffs and sores behind his back, is irritated in relationships.

• Disappointment in people... In this way, he protects himself from close relationships, which in the subconscious mind act as pain, trauma.
• Deep indifference to the problems of other people in the team... Gives attention only to exceptional, in his opinion, qualitatively superior to all other personalities. He is also indifferent to the sorrows of loved ones. Personal life and professional success of friends and acquaintances does not bother him. These little things in life and everyday life are not worthy of his attention.

Narcissism affects both sexes equally, although it is believed to be more common in men.

For a male narcissist, the main task is to gain recognition in the eyes of others. Strives for achievements in financial terms, in career, social status. However, she does not feel satisfaction and happiness even from the most outstanding results. Ambitions push to conquer new heights. With outward success, the relationship does not stick. There is no emotional contact with others. A woman is treated with disdain. The whole world is only for him. Is always right. Does what he wants, does not take into account the opinion of loved ones.

Such a man is incapable of building strong family relationships. Families are often destroyed. Children suffer the most from the negative influence of the father.

The feeling of inner emptiness grows over the years. By the age of 35-40, a crisis is possible, and only a specialist can help to get out of this pathological state.

Female narcissism manifests itself in relationships with children. They are strict and unreasonably demanding. Force children to live up to their heightened expectations. Strive for lofty ideals. Joy, warmth, simplicity are devalued by them. In relationships with loved ones - alienation and coldness.Nervous breakdowns in children and feelings of guilt in front of them alternate among themselves. Unconsciously, such mothers force the child to abandon his own needs, desires and feelings and to fulfill the needs of adults and maintain their self-esteem.

Narcissistic women choose caring, gentle men who are despised for their weak wills as husbands. The natural desire of such women is to live at someone else's expense. Men, in their understanding, are a fat wallet, a means to satisfy their many needs. The union of two daffodils - a man and a woman, is unlikely to last. The constant struggle of characters and competition with each other in absolutely everything will sooner or later get bored, and the marriage will fall apart.

There are positive traits in narcissism. The constant striving for achievements allows us to implement truly grandiose and large-scale ideas for the benefit of society. Envy is a great motivator for taking concrete, proactive steps towards your goal. Dependence on the assessments and opinions of others allows you to be an attentive listener and keep abreast of all events and trends. However, the lack of a sense of inner happiness and fullness of life is the price that the narcissist brings to the altar of self-love.

In psychology, two main types of narcissism are considered: constructive and destructive.

Constructive narcissism is inherent in the mature personality. Such a person has adequate self-esteem, sets and achieves interesting goals for himself, feels the fullness of life, loves and enjoys relationships. It is a normal healthy form based on self-respect and acceptance of yourself and others for who they are. Confidence in behavior, awareness of one's true needs and desires, freedom from other people's opinions are signs of healthy self-love.

He chooses a person as a life partner according to his liking, and not to please relatives or social standards. A loved one is an object of love and friendship, and not a means to achieve selfish goals. Healthy narcissism allows you to find a balance between satisfying your aspirations and needs in relation to others.

Destructive narcissism is a mental personality disorder. People on the way to maturity may not yet have an adequate and holistic idea of ​​themselves as a person, depend on the judgments of others, not feel self-sufficiency, be passive and compliant in life. This is deficient narcissism, which is not a pathology.

If you observe a person's abnormal love for himself and at the same time a contemptuous attitude towards other people, here you can talk about the diagnosis. Destructive narcissism can take on varying degrees of severity. The most dangerous is malignant narcissism. Its manifestations:

• self-obsession;
• a state of grandeur, alternating with bouts of defenselessness;
• recklessness;
• over-ambition;
• pathological dependence on the admiration of others;
• a tendency to exploit other people;
• lack of empathy and loyalty to other people;
• avarice, greed, forcible appropriation of someone else's;
• the position of a person to whom everyone owes everything.

These people are gloomy, depressed. They ignore and violate the rights of other people. They may have delusional ideas, be suspicious, suspicious. Their ideas about the world around them and people are distorted in a negative direction. They often demonstrate anger, anger. Aggressive psychopathic command control the inner world of their loved ones. They are unable to understand that they are hurting their relatives.

The most serious form of illness takes place when a person gets satisfaction from emotional abuse, trying to assert himself at someone else's expense. Outwardly, the conflict may not be manifested, and the result may be sad for the other side: from depression to attempted suicide.

Other narcissists can be shy and restless. Shyness, shyness, sexual inhibition hide dreams of their own greatness and grandeur. Fear will lose these illusions prevents them from acting, so that those around them are not destroyed.

Narcissism can also manifest itself in chaotic promiscuous sexual relationships and an inability to love. This is how men with a Don Juan complex, macho men, are born. In female form, he takes the form of fatal cold unapproachable beauties.

Masochism can sometimes be added to narcissism. Such individuals see themselves as the greatest martyrs, constantly being in unhappy, aggressive relationships. The experience of suffering gives them the right to feel superior to everyone else.

Sufferers of this ailment have a weak value system. With the loss of loved ones, it is difficult for them to express sadness, grieve and mourn the departure of a dear person. Flashes of elation are replaced by boredom and irritation. It is not the feeling of guilt before the victim that can stop him from harming or committing an unlawful act, but the fear of being caught and punished.

A complication can be addiction or parasitism - the desire to use people who can help them or the state. Unemployed narcissists may be outraged by the job offer.

The roots of the problem go back to early childhood. In a harmonious family, the appearance of a child brings joy. In the first months of life, parents experience unconditional love for him. All manifestations of the baby cause delight and affection. It becomes the center of mom's life for a while. Meeting his needs is of paramount importance. Over time, the child's world expands. He realizes: there are people around with whom it is also necessary to share the love and attention of the mother. This is how the baby learns to love.

Mom is the first teacher of love. The mother's coldness, lack of empathy, warmth, attention already in infancy forms the pathological features of narcissism. The desire to make up for the lack of maternal love and tenderness will haunt such a person in adulthood. He will imagine himself as the universal center, while hiding pain and anger, he will idealize his parents.

Another reason for the development of narcissism is early assessment of children. The child receives an assessment, becomes attached to the concepts of "good" - "bad". Parents reward their child with love and attention only for success. And in the future, his whole life will be set up to receive high points. Narcissistic trauma occurs when a child is not given the understanding that he is valuable in and of itself, but requires constant proof.

A narcissistic mom or dad like that, in their own way and likeness, raise a young narcissist. The kid is not recognized as a separate person, but only serves as a means to satisfy their needs and fulfill their desires. Character traits, temperament of the child are not accepted. Feelings, needs, desires are ignored. It is believed that they are not. Personality is devalued. The kid is forced to constantly be on the verge of rejection. In an attempt to survive, to get a little warmth and a feeling of closeness, the child, imitating his parents, begins to devalue and reject a part of himself, which the parents condemn and try to eradicate.

In such an environment, a narcissistic personality is not always formed. A trace of such upbringing in character can manifest itself in a special sensitivity to shame, the difficulty of maintaining boundaries in relationships. Individuals with narcissistic trauma, like narcissists, tend to exert excessive efforts to maintain a sense of self-worth or to obey others without complaint, fearing outbursts of anger and aggression.

Excessive love and admiration of parents for their children can sow narcissistic traits in the character of a baby. From childhood they can be exalted, praised. Adults are afraid that an inferiority complex will develop, especially if the child very early showed his talent or parents are obsessed with the idea of ​​the genius of their child. Often in such families pseudogenies grow up.

Excessive parental care and permissiveness can also be a breeding ground for disease.

If you notice some of the signs of narcissism in yourself, the best advice is to see a specialist you trust. An experienced psychotherapist will help you find the origins of the problem and resolve it in a shorter timeframe than you will deal with it yourself.

A huge plus is cultivating healthy self-esteem. Acceptance of your negative character traits and at the same time recognition of your uniqueness and your talents will allow you to form an adequate opinion about yourself and stop depending on word of mouth. Self-development, meditation, participation in group trainings will help with this.

As a painful disorder, narcissism requires serious treatment. To determine the degree of narcissism, psychologists and psychiatrists use a certain methodology. This is a test of 163 statements, each of which must be agreed or rejected. As a result, you can determine the level on an 18-point scale.

The hardest thing for a narcissist to realize is that he is a mediocre person. Neither great nor insignificant, but ordinary, which is not alien to anything mortal. A big problem for him to realize himself, his own "I" without illusions and fantasies about his own personality. He doesn't know who he really is.

The patient's environment during treatment and the quality of support that will be provided will play a large role in healing. A person needs to gain experience of non-judgmental judgment. He can do what he thinks shameful things. It is very important that at such moments there is a person nearby who will calmly perceive him with warmth and tenderness, without condemnation, without punishing, without blaming and without causing him a feeling of shame. Receiving such attention, he will feel safe, protected and will begin to open up.

The realization will come that contact with another person can be pleasant. You can get pleasure and joy from warm friendships and romantic relationships. In other words, the therapist and loved ones will need to give the patient what the mother could not give in childhood. Of course, while recovering from narcissism, it is not necessary to give up striving for great deeds, but the obsession with them will go away and the person will find balance within himself.

There is another approach to treating the disease. The patient may not always be able to immediately admit his diagnosis. Therefore, directly talking about narcissism in relation to himself may not produce results.

In the inner world of such people, there is most often a significant adult: mom, dad, spouse, whose character has narcissistic inclinations. It is much more effective to begin treatment by healing the patient's relationship with that person. The specialist will teach the patient to distinguish pathological traits, narcissistic manipulations, to which a loved one resorts, and to interact with him in a healthier way.

Treatment of pathological narcissism requires long-term therapy, and, perhaps, it will not be possible to completely get rid of the disease.

Narcissists are deeply lonely people, they live a life of suffering. The more conscious the choice in favor of a fulfilling and happy life and the intention to walk this path hand in hand with a specialist, the more chances for success.

It is worth saying a few words about disease prevention. Everyone knows that it is easier to prevent a disease than to cure.Since the problem comes from childhood, a healthy self-esteem must also be formed in a future adult from an early age.

For their children, it is important for parents:

• to maintain their self-esteem and independence from the opinions of others in children;
• letting the child cry and show negative emotions;
• confess to a child in love just like that, without focusing on beauty, talent or deed;
• express appreciation for truly dignified behavior or results, not very often and without exaggeration;
• to give the child the knowledge that he is going to live in society, while the society will not live for him.

If you have someone with strong signs of narcissism in your environment, be it a colleague, boss, or relative, here are some tips to help you interact with such a person.

The narcissist's habit of devaluing, criticizing, and making fun of can be unpleasantly annoying. The best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to ignore it and improve your skills in the area that is being focused on. Concentration on the development of their abilities, an adequate assessment of their merits and successes will minimize the destructive impact on the part of the narcissist.

The narcissist's behavior can be mirrored. Tell him about your achievements, knowledge and skills, where you are really strong. Perhaps this is how you rise in his eyes and communicate on an equal footing.

The narcissist is not always a despot and a tyrant. They can be nice and pleasant people to talk to. Whatever they are, the best thing you can do for yourself and for them is to accept them as they are, while still being yourself. This is especially true of close people with whom blood ties are connected.

Communication with a malignant narcissist in the environment should be avoided. His manipulation and aggressive attitude during prolonged communication can be destructive and exhausting on you.

The feeling of dependence on this kind of person is a signal to undergo therapy yourself and to free yourself from the control of such a person over his inner world. Especially if a loved one is a manipulator. Tolerate, forgive and come to terms with the situation will not bring relief, will not heal anyone and will not resolve the situation. Everyone deserves love, care and respect for themselves.

And in conclusion - about one amazing fact. Scientists investigated the causes of narcissism at the anatomical level and found differences in the volume of gray matter, the state of the cerebral cortex and nerve cells in a person with narcissism and a healthy person. A healthy person has more gray matter, and the differences were found in the part of the brain responsible for feelings of compassion and empathy. From this we can conclude that the key to successful healing of the patient lies in teaching him the ability to love.

For more on narcissism, see the next video.