How to get a loved one back after breaking up?

Problems and misunderstandings between a man and a woman can lead to quarrels, worries and even parting. But it so happens that after a while, when thoughts are in order, there is a desire to return the relationship. Do I need to do this, how to do it and what to look for, this material tells.

To understand whether it is necessary to reanimate the relationship and develop a plan of action, it is important to accurately understand and understand the true reason for the separation. Even if your partner said before leaving that he stopped loving you, it is quite possible that this is actually not the case, and the reason was more mundane, but pretty boring little things, such as your unwillingness to take care of yourself or some kind of habit with which the partner and could not come to terms. Not only you after the breakup think and analyze what happened, the partner, believe me, does the same. If you think sensibly, and after parting it does not work right away, but only some time later, then you can understand that for any parting, two are responsible.

Not all relationships can be returned. More precisely, it is possible to return them, but they will definitely not be the same. With luck, the relationship will even improve. Faced with a real loss to each other, partners will begin to treat the other half more reverently and will not allow more negative situations. If you're unlucky, the relationship will get worse.In reality, it’s not a matter of luck, but how accurately and correctly you will analyze the situation at this stage.

First you need to try to get out of your head all the offensive words that your partner may have said when parting. Now they will only spoil the picture of what happened. We re-read "The Little Prince" by Exupery, write out a quote that "only one heart is vigilant" and proceed to "debriefing."

It is worth noting the most common reasons for parting.

• Loss of trust. This is the most difficult situation in which the very basis of the relationship between two people collapses. Rebuilding trust will be incredibly difficult, and in most cases impossible. Deception, jealousy, broken promises - all this weighs heavily on the perception of another person's personality.
• Lack of common and common goals. A fairly common reason when partners, tired of convincing each other, simply make the decision to go their separate ways, or such a decision is made by one of the spouses or lovers. Despite the seeming catastrophic nature of what happened, in such a situation, reconciliation is very likely, possibly, and the couple has every chance of living a long and happy life together. Only one thing is needed: for one or both to learn to find a compromise or obey the decision of a partner. There is no third.
• Rudeness, violence is a good reason. Psychologists and criminologists state that the assault, which happened once, is repeated in 95%, and even more than once. A person can repent, pray for forgiveness, burn out with shame, promise "never again", but statistics are statistics and we will not delve into them. You can make peace if you are a victim, then whether it is worthwhile is up to you to decide.
• Psychological suppression, control is also a form of violence. Everything that was said above applies equally to psychological pressure. If your partner could afford to insult you, criticize you constantly, frightened, blackmailed, excessively jealous without reason, manipulated, did not give the right to vote and tried in every possible way to limit your communication with your relatives, girlfriends, friends, then it will be very difficult to fix something. After you return, the situation may become even more dire.

• Disappointment. Everything is simple here: the reality turned out to be not what you imagined, the partner showed completely different qualities that you attributed to him in your illusions. It is possible to restore relations, but only after you yourself get rid of unnecessary and overestimated expectations and accept the person not as you need, but as he is in reality.
• Addictions - drugs, alcohol, gambling addiction and others. Decide for yourself, but there are very few situations when parting prompted a partner to go and be treated. More often than not, only empty promises sound.
• Boredom, addictive, routine. Oddly enough, but parting, even for a short time, can bring the same variety that your relationship has lacked so much lately. Once reunited, feelings can flare up with renewed vigor. The main thing is that parting and reconciliation does not become a habit, then the relationship will develop only in a pathological type and very soon become an ordinary addiction in thrills, and with each separation the sensations will become increasingly dulled.
• Quarrels based on financial problems and misunderstandings. If this was the only reason (which is rare), then reunification is possible, provided that the partners reconsider their financial relationships and responsibilities.
• Break of connection (sexual dissatisfaction, emotional "vacuum"). This is the reason for correction, but it is difficult and only with a strong mutual desire of partners to get closer again.

Some people think that the reason for the breakup was cheating or a petty quarrel over household trifles. This is not true. The betrayal or scandal was the result of the reasons described above. That is why it is important to evaluate not the act of a loved one, not what he said or did just before he or you slammed the door, but what reasons led to this. This is what will help to understand if the relationship still has prospects or it is better to leave them in the past and start a new life.

Before answering this difficult question, it is important to know that in the process of adapting to parting with a person who was once important to you, and may be important even now, there is a stage that psychologists call the stage of deceiving hopes. This means that a person, after resentment and anger, bewilderment, one day has a desire to end all his suffering by reuniting with his ex. And here begins trips to fortune-tellers and the search for a quick and one hundred percent way to return a loved one (beloved). At this stage, psychologists recommend not taking any active action and diligently controlling your desires to write a message, call or report to your partner at work. Everyone goes through this stage, even those whose love has long died, as well as those who with their minds perfectly understand that the return will turn his life into a real hell and chaos.

The desire to return a person at this stage is caused not by strong love, as almost everyone thinks, but by elementary fears - fear of being alone, fear of not finding one's own happiness, fear of the future. When this stage passes, the person will have an answer to the main question - does he really still love and really wants to return the relationship. Getting a loved one back is difficult, but not a hopeless endeavor. But living a long and happy life with this person is a completely different matter.

To answer the question of whether it is necessary to resurrect a relationship, it is important to know what the loved one thinks about it. If he does not even want to communicate, do not annoy him. Pesky "exes" can be very sophisticated and inventive, but no marriage or union has ever been saved by such ingenuity. If your partner offered to part nicely and effectively left for another, try to preserve your own dignity equally effectively. We will have to admit and understand that nothing in the future with this person will be the same as before: even if he leaves another and returns to you, how will you interact further, knowing that there was another woman between you. Trust can no longer be restored. The question arises whether it is worth wasting your precious time on a person with whom happiness can no longer be built. It's time to calm down, pull yourself together and after a while, when you are psychologically and emotionally ready, start a new relationship.

It is not necessary to overpersuade the one who persistently insists that your union “will not succeed”. Leave him alone. Just accept it, because your partner most likely isn't lying. It's definitely not going to be good. Signs of a pathological relationship that should not be started again, so that it does not get worse, were indicated above. Therefore, determining the reason for the separation will again help to understand whether it is worth saving feelings or you need to save yourself.

To make it easier for you to understand why the wisdom that “you can't enter the same water twice” is still alive, it is worth citing the following meager statistics:

• 15% of people reconnect after divorce;
• 20% of them say that the relationship after the breakup has improved;
• almost 35% of them regret that they have returned the relationship, which now brings only negativity and bitterness.

We have come to an important part of the conversation - how to make that very first step forward, if, after all, a decision has been made to try to save the relationship. First, forgive your partner for everything they have done and forgive yourself if you feel guilty about yourself. Without sincere and honest forgiveness, you can not count on any continuation of the relationship. The return necessarily implies a complete absence of claims and grievances.

If you are a man, it is easier for you to decide to make a phone call. Women often have problems with this because of the fear of rejection. Choose a time to call that is convenient for your partner. You should not call in the morning when a person is in a traffic jam or rushing to work, do not call during the working day, it may be inappropriate. Calling too late can wake a person up; he is unlikely to be able to quickly understand why and why you called. Call when a person has free time, when he is resting, relaxed.

Do not get drunk for courage or call under the pretext of "I'm on business." Immediately and honestly, as kindly as possible, inform the interlocutor that you are sorry about what happened and would like to fix everything. If the person agrees, make an appointment and talk about your feelings in person. Such issues cannot be resolved over the phone. If the person does not want to hear about reconciliation, thank him politely for all the good things that you have had during your time together, express your regrets again (briefly) and say goodbye.

It takes a lot of courage to make a call. It can be much easier to communicate your decision to try to renew a relationship in writing. You can write this in an SMS message, in a messenger or social networks. There are large originals who prefer to send the most important messages in their life in the form of a paper letter to a postal address. Choose for yourself, but remember that nothing is decided by correspondence either, although it is easier for both men and women to express thoughts in writing, and the formulations are more precise and deliberate.

In the letter, do not recall the reason for the quarrel, do not try to offend or prick, to pity. The most unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation are always accompanied by just such mistakes ("Even though you acted ugly ..." The first two formulations are perplexing, and the third is pity. Neither resentment nor pity fosters a reciprocal desire to be reconciled.

Be natural, write that you reviewed a lot and realized that you would like to meet and talk, that you remember all the good things that happened between you (“I like to remember how you acted then”, “I am pleased to think what you did for me” ). At the end of the message, leave your partner a choice. Do not write where and when your meeting should take place for a decisive conversation, ask him to determine the time and place and tell you. The counselor's advice in case he does not answer is similar to the situation with the reluctance to speak on the phone. Knowing that you are waiting for an answer, a person will have only two choices - to answer or not to answer, thereby indicating that there are no prospects for a relationship for him.

This is not the best solution, at least for adults and psychologically mature people. For at least the reason that discussing the intricacies of your personal relationships with strangers is indecent and disrespectful to your partner. It is unlikely that the guy will be delighted if he learns from his best friend that his ex-girlfriend wants to make up and is very sorry about the quarrel.

The question will arise, why did she not tell the addressee about this directly, why it was necessary to devote to the intimate affairs of a comrade. Did she tell him something else that he shouldn't even know about? No matter how deliberate your speech to mutual friends may sound, they will not be able to convey it to your loved one. They simply will not pay attention to the words and intonations that are important for you and your partner, they can distort the facts, confuse something, because, by and large, this is not as important for them as it is for you.

In a personal meeting, which should be decisive in the issue of the prospects for restoration of relations, you should look breathtaking. After a short or long breakup, your partner should see you as that wonderful and attractive person whom he once fell in love with. This will awaken fond and warm memories and set both partners up for a kind, honest, and emotionally positive conversation. Be natural. If you have never worn high hairpins and wigs before, you should not start doing it now, it will look ridiculous and ridiculous. Be as close as possible to the image that was at the time of acquaintance.

Smile. Be at ease, even if everything inside trembles, shakes and trembles at the mere thought that your partner might refuse to renew the relationship. Use a few tips from psychologists to get this meeting right.

• Do not try to evoke pity, do not talk about how no one loves you, that you have no desire to live without him, that the time of separation was incredibly difficult for you, that you were sick, moped, and so on. Even if this was the case, the partner does not need to know about it. In order for a person to become interested and want to come closer again, you do not need to make him want to hug you and burst into tears. Pity kills other feelings and creates guilt feelings in the interlocutor.
• There is no need to start again to find out who was to blame for the quarrel and separation. Avoid reproaches (“you threw it first”, “you haven't called for so long”). Now it makes no difference who is to blame. You need to decide what to do.
• Do not try to blackmail with children, finances, shared secrets. “If you don’t come back, you won’t see the children” is not a tone that implies reconciliation and forgiveness. This condition. And the conditions are unacceptable here.

• Tell that you have reconsidered the value of your relationship, that you remember all the good things and are ready to discuss conditions that will suit both. At the same time, try to do this in a non-asking and non-ingratiating tone, otherwise the partner may set too many conditions. Don't settle for everything. They must be reasonable and fair.

And finally, I would like to say that special attention should be paid to solving the following issues, if you nevertheless decide to be together again, because the sooner you solve them, the easier and easier it will be to start life with this person anew:

• Does the partner agree with your definition of the reason for the breakup;
• what measures each of you proposes in order to restore the relationship;
• do you and he have enough trust in each other;
• what will be the mutual concessions;
• how from now on you will resolve conflict situations if they occur (and this will happen sooner or later without fail).

Psychology cannot provide a ready-made recipe for personal happiness.Much depends on the nuances and specific circumstances, on people, their character and temperament, habits and ideas about life. The chances of personal happiness from the second (third, and so on) attempts have pairs that adhere to the following:

• have mutual feelings, respect each other's interests and feelings;
• are mutually disposed to continue the relationship, do not do this for the sake of a broad gesture or materialistic considerations;
• mutually ready to change, to compromise;
• firmly intend to keep the promises made to the partner when reconciling the promises.

If the conversation was not crowned with success, it became obvious that the partner does not agree to restore the relationship, you will again feel better. Now you know exactly what he thinks about this, you are finally free and free to build your new life, taking into account the experience you have lived through.