Parting: reasons, stages and ways of experiencing

Parting often leads to difficult experiences, and this is not only about parting with a loved one, but also about parting with children and friends. Breaking up is always a loss. To avoid such painful situations will help knowing the reasons for the most frequent breakups, how they are experienced and how to maintain an important relationship for you.

Parting psychology evaluates as the loss of a relationship with a certain person. But in practice, physical separation does not always mean the loss of a relationship, and living together does not at all guarantee spiritual unity. Parting is a painful process if a person is dear to you, if some important period of your life is closely connected with him. Parting with loved ones (spouses), children and relatives is considered the most painful. Parting with close friends can also be painful.

Parting can be complete when contacts by the decision of the parties or one of the participants in the situation are terminated in any form. Parting is considered incomplete, after which people maintain a certain relationship - they communicate about raising children, at work, have common affairs, have the intention to restore relations. Incomplete in psychology is also called parting, in which one of the parties refuses to accept reality as it is, time passes, and the stage of acceptance does not come. This is a difficult case that requires necessarily the help of a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist.

Parting is a great life experience, painful but sometimes necessary. In any case, a lot of useful things can be learned from it: after parting, value systems change, a person begins to better understand the intricacies of his own character, knows better what he needs further from future relationships. If people leave in the heat of the moment, without thinking about the decision, then they have a chance to improve their relationship by drawing conclusions after reconciliation.

It is important to understand that the events themselves and the reasons that led to them are different things. If formally a couple breaks up due to the betrayal of one of the partners, then there can be any reason, but not the betrayal itself. Boredom and routine in a relationship, the lack of productive interaction with a partner in a variety of areas could push the cheater on adultery. An event that is formulated as a scandal is not a reason for parting, but only an excuse, since the real reason, again, can lie in anything else. Let's look at what reasons most often lead to the breakdown of relationships with both spouses and children, parents, friends.

This reason is very insidious. Trust is the basis of any relationship; without it, friendship or love affair is impossible. It disappears gradually, sometimes even imperceptibly, little by little. People tend to give loved ones a "second chance", to justify them internally, but only for the time being, while there is trust. Once it disappears, the relationship cannot continue. Jealousy, especially its pathological forms, deception (if it is frequent) can lead to a loss of trust. Even deception in trifles gradually develops into a "big snowball", which one not the most beautiful day picks up speed and with all its might falls on the head of the deceiver, leaving almost no chance for maintaining the relationship.

The people call it "did not agree with the characters." People set different and sometimes polar goals for themselves and do not want to help each other in achieving these goals. If the husband is saving up for a new car, and the wife believes that an apartment is needed first of all, then scandals cannot be avoided. If the mother insists that the son go to university, and he is going to the army of his own free will, then again everything can end in parting if one of the parties does not agree to accept the priorities of the other.

Priorities can also be intangible: for one it is important to grow professionally and spiritually, to study, to increase their value as a specialist, while the other believes that the partner is just wasting time getting another diploma, thereby belittling the achievements of the first one. Parting for this reason may well be temporary, and if people reach a compromise or learn to give in, then the relationship can be saved.

Violence is not only physical, but also psychological. Under plausible pretexts (“love”, “worried about you”) one partner can introduce total control over the other - to check where and when he leaves, where it happens, who calls him. Psychological violence is insults, reproaches and disrespect, these are direct or indirect prohibitions on maintaining relationships with friends and family, restrictions, constant clarification of relationships.

A victim of psychological violence and manipulation is usually afraid to do something wrong, to make any household decision without the knowledge of the partner, if this is added to a strong emotional dependence on the tyrant, then the situation becomes completely unbearable. Often children are manipulated by their parents or parents, children, spouses and even friends may face attempts at manipulation by each other. Parting in this case is the most correct, and sometimes the only possible way out. Having begun once, neither physical nor psychological violence usually stops, but only progresses, acquiring more and more sophisticated forms.

Everyone, starting a relationship with someone, hopes and expects something good that this relationship will bring him. Often these expectations are not met. It is difficult to see in a sweet young man a future tyrant or miser, in a growing son it is difficult to see a future cruel and unjust scoundrel. When a person is faced with some manifestations and actions on the part of another that did not fit into the picture of his expectations, he experiences strong disappointment, fear, resentment.

If we understand that we build hopes and expectations for ourselves, and no one is obliged to correspond to them, parting for this reason can be avoided. Another option is to give up expectations and accept a person as he is with all his shortcomings and advantages, but not everyone succeeds. The breakup, if it happened, can be reversible. But only after one of the parties comprehends the wrongness of the very fact of putting forward any of its own expectations and hopes to the other, and the other will do everything possible to correct what the partner does not like.

We are talking about alcohol, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc. Usually, at the very beginning of the problem, the partner tries his best to help the other get rid of the bad habit. But there are promises to quit, but in most cases there are no real actions, and therefore the loss of trust comes into force, later the collapse of hopes and expectations, and then all the other reasons. In families where the partner drinks, takes psychotropic drugs, both violence and manipulation are widespread, and there is definitely a difference in priorities (unless, of course, all family members drink together).

This is the reason that often destroys “experienced” marriages. Feelings and feelings dull over time, and this is natural and normal. If they are not replaced by common interests, hobbies, common priorities and goals, then there is a possibility that partners will simply get tired of communicating with each other. Loss of interest, attraction can become the basis for adultery, for leaving the family. Relationships are rapidly deteriorating and may well become complicated over time by any of the above reasons - from the alcoholism of a bored partner to domestic violence and the collapse of all expectations.

Financial disputes about how and how much to earn, where and to whom to spend are a fairly common reason for separation. For this reason, several factors are combined at once: this is the difference in priorities and possible manipulations. But such partings, if desired, can be canceled, made reversible. It is enough to clarify all the misunderstandings and develop a new financial strategy in the relationship that would suit both. Most household issues are solved in the same way. If people part because of this forever, then, with a high degree of probability, it is not this problem that comes first for them, but any of the above. Money and chips were just the last straw in a bowl of patience.

Among the reasons for parting, you can list many different prerequisites - both sexual dissatisfaction with a partner, and the infantilism of one of the participants in a situation when a person cannot and does not know how, and most importantly, does not want to make any decisions at all. But if you reduce everything, as in mathematics, to a simple equation, then you can easily understand that the basis of any separation is resentment, which consists of the collapse of hopes and expectations, anger, anger and fear of the future.

It is this feeling that destroys marriages, divorces parents and children to different continents, makes friends completely stop communicating with those who were close and understandable until recently. Please note that it is the resentment that underlies the divorce because of "they did not agree", it is she who accompanies financial and domestic troubles, the difference in priorities, resentment against the world and oneself lead to alcoholism and escape into narcotic oblivion.

Parting is multifaceted. People who have made such a decision may never see each other or may see each other every day, they may forget that they had any relationship, or remember this and experience emotional attachment for a very long time. Psychologists distinguish several types of parting.

• A constructive break in relations - the reasons are irreparable, correction is impossible. The partners have enough will and reason to make the decision to free themselves from such meaningless relationships and become free and ultimately happy, but separately. In such cases, the separation is not too painful, although it is possible that experiences will still take place. But after parting, people's relationships are even, calm, positive, they do not cripple either their souls or the soul of the child, if there is one. Relationships are built on mutual respect, regardless of whether they were terminated on the initiative of a man or a woman. People look at their past together without offense.

• Unfinished gestalt - there are good reasons for parting, but there is no strength to do it, coming up with reasons to stay together (children grow up, there is a mortgage, etc.). It is in such couples that infidelity often occurs, children grow up in an atmosphere of chronic destructive lies. Both spouses admit that their relationship is not the same for a long time, there is no passion, no sex, no trust, no relationship. But they are afraid to change something.

• Traumatic breakup - the accepted and embodied decision to part forever. It is fraught with the accumulation of a huge load of grievances, although sometimes it is constructive. Usually one of the partners is not ready to let go of the other, and it is in such situations that the most severe emotional upheavals and experiences take place.

• Delayed parting - a proposal to part for a while in order to collect thoughts and make a decision that can turn into any of the listed types of parting. It is perceived not as painful as traumatic, but only until the moment when a permanent decision is made.

• Pseudo separation - a specially created situation in which the partner who became the initiator does not really want a true parting, he manipulates, trying to achieve something of his own, some specific goal. If a person allegedly broke up, this gives him the illusion of freedom, the opportunity to suffer as much as possible (there are people who need experiences in order to revive their fading relationships and dispel boredom). Sometimes such false breakups become habitual, and the manipulator ceases to achieve the goal. Often, when the patience of the second partner bursts or the manipulator decides that the resources of the relationship have been exhausted for him personally, the next break becomes true and last.

The experience of separation occurs according to the psychological laws of loss (stage of grief). The sequence of stages of emotional changes is usually clear and always one stage follows another. For both men and women, the sequence is exactly the same, but there are nuances due to the gender characteristics of the psyche. In order to survive the breakup and not become a patient of a mental hospital, in order to quickly cope with your emotions, it is important to go through all the stages without missing a single one.

The very first reaction to loss.A person does not feel pain, because while he simply does not believe in what is happening, does not understand what is happening in general, does not allow thoughts about it into his consciousness. The mechanism of denial of the psyche turns on when it is faced with something unfamiliar and frightening. Denial protects the psyche from a traumatic sharp impact, partially anesthetizes the processes that begin to occur in the soul. Denial has different forms - from the insistent assertion that everything, as before, just temporary difficulties arose, to the depreciation of the loss - “everything went to this, this was to be expected”.

The anesthetic effect of denial disappears, and bewilderment is replaced by anger - "how could he have done that?" Resentment, shame, shame, strong anxiety appear. Emotions are off the charts, and to the same extent a person can direct his anger both at the initiator of the separation and at his own person.

Anger has already been experienced, it practically does not exist and, perhaps, the person has already found his first explanations for what happened, although he is still very far from full-fledged introspection and analysis of the situation. Immediately after the anger, the pain becomes stronger, and therefore a completely natural desire to get rid of it appears. The first thing that asks for the mind is to restore the relationship. Here the suffering side becomes obsessed with the idea of ​​returning a loved one, beloved. Particularly impressionable natures can begin to persecute a partner, write, call, demand, threaten, blackmail, lure with deceitful reasons, go to fortune-tellers and sorcerers.

From what emotional and physical expenditure of strength and energy went through the next stage, it depends how severe the decline after it can be. Depression begins, the person is lethargic, not energetic, much loses its meaning for him, what used to give pleasure can annoy or leave indifferent. Sleep and appetite disorders appear. I don't want to do anything, even get up and go to work. The pain decreases, sometimes it is already indistinguishable. But the stage is quite dangerous: if you live it wrong, then the likelihood of the transition of situational depression to a chronic mental illness increases. It is at this stage that the largest number of suicides, revenge murders are committed.

At this stage, personal defeat is admitted. An understanding of the true causes and effects comes, it becomes clear where to move on. The person begins to understand that the responsibility for parting lies with both partners, and although regret may still be present, they no longer cause severe pain. There is an acceptance of the situation in the form in which it happened. The circumstances are seen clearly, without illusions. The plus is that the onset of the acceptance stage suggests that planning for your new life has already begun. New plans, goals, guidelines appear.

The desire to live speaks of the end of the process of accepting the loss, self-esteem grows, an understanding of one's own value and significance appears, a feeling comes that the best is yet to come. The emotional state is characterized as compensated, in other words, the wound from the loss is still there, but it has already healed and now only reminds of itself by the presence of a scar.

The peculiarities of the female experience of loss are that the fair sex is more emotional, and therefore all stages are brighter for them than for men. At any stage, except for the final ones, there may be torrents of tears, words and even tantrums.But this is female salvation - due to the ability to release negative emotions, throw them out as they arise, women quickly complete the passage of all stages.

Women rarely lose self-esteem after parting, if it decreases slightly, then it recovers after the first visit to a beauty salon or fashion store. A woman has friends who can cry at any time, and there is nothing to be ashamed about. If a woman has a child, then he will not let you get bogged down in depression - it requires care, care, and certain daily activities.

Women are more dreamy, they more easily enter the stage of returning to life, it is easier for them to fantasize for themselves a new amazing life.

The peculiarities of the male psyche are such that parting is much more difficult for representatives of the stronger sex, because they cannot afford to suffer sobbing, many hours of conversations with friends about the act of their beloved, "washing her bones", and men cry extremely rarely. But in vain. The release of anger and anger, resentment with tears would help men to more easily experience the depressive stage. It is on her that a man can seriously and permanently get stuck.

Men try to make sure that no one notices their experiences after parting. They hide them, suppress them, which causes the accumulation of negativity and disruption of the work of the heart, blood vessels and other organs. Psychosomatics suggests that men live less than women precisely because they habitually crush in themselves everything that is painful.

At the stage of denial and anger, a man can indulge in all serious things - alcohol, casual sexual relations. Only by the stage of acceptance will he understand that this does not bring significant relief, and sometimes aggravates the condition. Men are sensitive to their self-esteem. An abandoned man is like a wounded lion. First, he will lick his wounds and dream of revenge, and then he will begin to blame himself for the fact that he could not reign, lost. This can leave a significant imprint on the nature of his future relationships - the more a man is wounded, the more likely he is to transfer some of the resentment, suspicion and mistrust into his next relationships with women.

Those who dream of quickly coping with their experiences after breaking up with a loved one will be disappointed - this process does not happen quickly. It all depends on the temperament, circumstances and reasons for parting, on the age and life experience of the person, but in general, you need to tune in to experiencing each stage in turn.

The right attitude is a patient attitude. No stage lasts forever, and understanding this helps to cope with the loss with a share of philosophical calm. This share will be small, but very important. Psychologists advise not to try to fight your condition, this will only lead to suppression and accumulation of negativity, you need to try to accept each stage as inevitable. The most difficult cases are parting during a woman's pregnancy, just before the wedding, betrayal and betrayal. But you can also survive them and come to terms with the smallest losses if you follow the advice of psychologists.

It is important for a man to remember that his task at any stage of parting is to preserve his dignity. It depends on what his male self-esteem will be after getting out of a difficult situation. You cannot blackmail, threaten, stoop to insults and assault, revenge, to anything that lowers and belittles men, not only in the eyes of women, but also in your own eyes. Don't drink or try to find another woman quickly - attempts to artificially fill the internal void are usually doomed to fiasco and an unpleasant aftertaste for many years.

After the aggression and anger have passed, you can try to talk to your ex, find out what her future plans are, perhaps she, like you, worries and regrets about the breakup and wants to resume the relationship. If not, don't despair. Get busy with work and all-round development - read, meet with friends, go fishing, watch interesting films, sort out the car engine - you probably have a lot of things that you put off for later. It's time to get busy with them. This will help you get through difficult times more easily.

A woman definitely needs "helpers" - someone must listen, support. But you shouldn't feel sorry for yourself. No matter how much you want to sympathize with yourself, you should go the other way - learn to control and analyze your emotions, distinguish love for your ex from the fear of being alone, becoming a laughing stock. It is important to learn from the heart, to forgive sincerely.

While the stages of recovery after loss are going on, a woman needs motivation - in order to work, study, take care of herself. The best motivation is to understand that real happiness can lie in wait at any time, anywhere. Will it be possible if you hide from the world, close yourself off from communication, walk in a roaring state? It is easier to put up with those who do not lose their dignity - no matter how painful it is, do not stoop to revenge, rumors, gossip, blackmail (including children). When it becomes easier, such actions can be excruciatingly ashamed.

Longtime friends, who are connected by many things, go through a rather painful breakup, but not in the same way as lovers. Ideally, it's best to bide your time, talk to your friend frankly, and still resolve disagreements. But if this is not possible, it is best to try to forgive your friend if he offended you, ask for forgiveness from him and leave. Perhaps further on you still have different roads.

With depression, if it has dragged on for more than two weeks, it is important to cope not alone, but with helpers - relatives, friends, a psychologist or psychotherapist. With the wrong approach, it can become chronic. It is important to set goals and objectives for yourself every hour, every day. The less time it takes to savor all the unpleasant thoughts, the less severe the depression will be.

After a long relationship, forgetting the pain will not work right away, the pain should go away on its own. Compare your condition with a wound or flu - even if you really want to get rid of the disease, you will not be able to do it ahead of time, the disease will recede when the body completely cope with the virus or the wound heals. It's the same with the wounds of the soul.

Knowing the reasons why breakups are most common will help preserve the existing relationship. Look at them again and note for yourself that for a successful relationship it is important that there is trust in them, that there is no violence and suppression, so that people, in addition to love, have common interests and hobbies. Passion will one day pass, but the community of interests will remain and will help you overcome all difficulties together. It is important to reckon with the opinion of your partner, but not to forget about your own life. The sacrifices are inappropriate.

The famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky recommends going through parting with your head held high, forbidding yourself to even think that you have been abandoned or betrayed. Such thoughts do not add self-confidence and positive thinking. He also gives the following recommendations.

• Do not dissolve into something else, remember yourself - if your partner abandoned you, with a high degree of probability he has already stopped loving you, then why should you torment and suffer, dream of returning the relationship? Relationships with unloved people are usually not the warmest.
• All couples have difficulties in life., as well as quarrels and misunderstandings, but only those that were initially weak and untenable, flawed, if you will, break up. Therefore, what happened should be judged from the position that everything happened in fairness and correctly - you both deserve happiness for a long time. Together it is impossible.

• Take your time, give yourself time - It takes about a year on average to get rid of the stress of separation. For some, this process is longer, for others it is faster. But everyone, without exception, goes through it, no one has yet remained in the stages of experiencing loss forever.
• Don't blame yourself for anything... It is not your fault what happened. And the partner is not guilty of this either. It just happened, it just happened. Accept this and look at the relationship with respect and gratitude (it was also good!), And at yourself - with sincere love. You are beautiful, amazing, individual. And someone is now looking in the big white world not even for such a person as you, but for you.

For information on how to maintain an attitude after a breakup, see the next video.