How to survive a divorce?

Divorce is always a difficult, traumatic situation. Both women and men experience family breakdown rather painfully. Of course, a lot depends on how significant the relationship was for partners, who initiated the separation, what events preceded the decision to divorce.

Divorce changes a person's life, so his psychological state is assessed according to criteria that are applicable to people who have lost a loved one due to tragedy, death, or illness. The psychology of loss is fully valid in relation to already ex-spouses for a number of reasons:

• there is an internal "vacuum";
• the pace and rhythm of life is changing;
• the daily routine and the usual actions are changing;
• self-pity appears.

Regardless of what reasons led to the dissolution of marriage, a person goes through several stages of adaptation to new conditions. If the divorce caused pain, grief, then there will be several stages of recovery. It is important to pass them one by one, sequentially.

• Complete denial. A person does not believe that what is happening is reality.Everything seems to be happening not to him, but to someone else, as if in a dream, and not in reality. The state is close to the mechanism of shock - reality cannot be perceived as it is. You just need to endure the shock.
• Painful and scary. This stage is when the shock, which served as an anesthetic, recedes. The problem and the situation come crashing down. The pain is felt even at the physical level - someone has a pain in the chest space, a head splits, and in some people old diseases become aggravated and joint, muscle, somatic pains appear. At this stage, a person does not see the future, he does not know where to go, what to do, and this inspires primitive fear. Fortunately, this painful stage does not usually last that long, and the feelings are transformed into something else.
• Anger and hate. This is an unpleasant, even nasty, but inevitable transformation. Pain and fear turn into anger. Resentment arises, closely mixed with rage, and sometimes with hatred. At this stage, you can get sick, sleep with high fever, pneumonia, acute inflammatory disease of any organ, if the hatred is too strong.
• Forgiveness and Hope. A person partially forgives and justifies a partner, finds reasonable explanations for his position. The anger passes, but there is a feeling of guilt and hope - he will suddenly return, regret his decision. The worst thing to do at this stage is to start looking for a date with your ex-marriage partner. It is difficult to stop a person: he is inspired by the prospect of getting rid of pain and grief in one fell swoop, simply by restoring the marriage relationship again. A person loses self-criticism, self-control, becomes inventive and very energetic.

• Depression, decline. This is a completely natural state after emotional activity and work done at the previous stage. A recession sets in, a person feels himself in the abyss of loneliness, feels like a failure, unnecessary, guilty of everything. The classic symptoms of a depressive disorder can be observed: you do not want to eat, get up and go to work, while there is no desire to meet with someone, there are no goals, aspirations, and joy. Having reached the bottom point of falling into an emotional peak, the person freezes, freezes and begins to slowly gain height - the next stage begins.
• Introspection. On the way up from the pit, a person seems to be looking at himself from the side - so he begins to see reality as it is. There is no longer any strength to be angry with her, the pain has dulled, there is no more anger. It's good if there is no resentment already, but more often than not, it is still present inside, hidden and disguised. At this stage, the ability to plan for the future turns on. A person can part with resentment, fear and already find ways to arrange his life further: he chooses what to do, changes his hobby, makes new friends, begins to go out into the world, but so far he is very fearful and apprehensive, risking at any time again “to lose altitude ", Get depressed and start to rise again.
• Adoption. This stage is final. The person fully accepts and understands the accomplished circumstance. He does not feel anger and anger, he said goodbye with resentment, his wounded pride was almost restored, plans appeared, hopes for personal happiness, self-realization.

Only the systematic experience of each stage will help to come to oneself and recover, not to leave lifelong traumas in the soul. At each of them there will definitely be people who will convince you that you need to "give a damn" about everything, cheer up and live to the fullest. But it is important to survive everything, without exception. A new relationship should not be started before the full acceptance stage has passed, so as not to make another big mistake.

All important decisions that need to be made at one stage or another of recovery will be dictated and caused only by those feelings that are characteristic of the stage. If a person is at the stage of anger, then a new relationship or actions towards a former partner will be aggression, hatred and revenge. If he is at the stage of depression, then all decisions will be an attempt to calm loneliness, but they will not bring results, because loneliness is still inside.

Women generally take longer to recover from emotional crises than men. This is due to the peculiarities of the psyche of the fair sex. For them, divorce is the most stressful, since they attach more importance to relationships than men. Each stage of recovery can be greatly extended if a woman is choleric or melancholic. It will be difficult not to lose heart, and in some places it will not be possible to avoid it.

Feelings of guilt can complicate the situation - women often torment themselves even for what they did not do. This is facilitated by the presence of incomplete feelings for the ex-spouse, because if love has not passed, then it can be more difficult to accept each of the stages of recovery. A woman can painlessly survive a divorce only if it was she who initiated it, and she did not go into "emptiness", but to a specific man, who is now the whole world for her.

There are also nuances in the circumstances of a divorce.

• After the betrayal. Divorce after betrayal of a spouse is burdened with resentment. The woman is overwhelmed with indignation: she was betrayed, treated unfairly. Cheating is regarded as a betrayal. The psychological practices of forgiveness, of which there are quite a few, will help to survive the post-divorce period. It is important to forgive your ex-husband, to let go of your resentment. After the acceptance stage, you need to calm down and start arranging your own life.
• With child. Parting when the spouses have children is always more difficult for a woman, since the responsibility for the future of the baby falls on her with a huge burden. There is a social dogma that a child needs both a mother and a father. But there is no biological need for a father, which is clearly evidenced by nature, in which few of the mammalian males remain with the offspring after its birth. After a divorce, it is important for a woman with a small child not only to learn to live alone (to do without a man in everyday life), but also to live without looking back at others. If there is a child, then a woman is no longer considered lonely. Children very often help to overcome divorce easier, because being distracted by their needs and activities with them, a woman more smoothly goes through the difficult stages of getting out of loss.

It is important to know that it is impossible to forget your husband, as some ladies want. A woman will remember this man all her life, since he is part of her personal history, biography. Therefore, after the acceptance takes place, it is worth considering options for cooperation with the ex, especially if there is a child. Failed spouses are sometimes great partners in parenting and business.

The peculiarities of the man's psyche are less fixation on feelings and emotions and more focus on his own future. The stages of shock and pain are the hardest for men.

The first and second stages of getting out of the situation for them are fraught with leaving, fleeing into alcohol, drugs. It is important to avoid this precisely at the initial stage - then the stages will proceed easier and softer.Not thinking about your wife if the divorce occurred on her initiative will not work. You just need to control your thoughts and direct them in a positive direction.

After a divorce, a man is diligently looking for his place in life, overestimating the system of values, analyzing and "sorting out" his failed family life. Self-criticism is rarely characteristic of the male sex - they give themselves up to the stage of anger and irritation with great enthusiasm, since they are by nature more aggressive. It's easier for them to blame their wife for everything.

The search for new love, which some fall into after the anger has let go, usually does not bring relief. Intrigues and casual partners are an option for revenge, but this will not make it easier on your soul. Work and a new hobby, communication with friends, but not going into a "breakaway" will help a man to cope with personal drama.

Whether the stage of recession and depression becomes pathological depends on the individual characteristics of the person. Vulnerable, infantile, dependent people, for whom the very presence of a family is extremely important, may well become patients in a psychiatric hospital if they do not know how to pull themselves together and cope with their depression. Those with a stronger psyche usually overcome the period with fewer losses.

If depression occurs solely as a reaction to loss, then experts talk about psychogenic depression. She does not need medication, but only if it lasts no more than two weeks. If the condition is prolonged, then it is important to consult a doctor - there are great risks of missing the moment when the acute condition becomes chronic.

If there were prerequisites for mental abnormalities, about which a person usually does not know anything, then depression can develop with significant changes in hormonal levels, lesions of brain structures. This condition is called endogenous. It needs medical attention.

Depression develops more often in women, but it is more difficult to treat it in men. Masculine nature does not allow crying, expressing emotions. Men are more restrained, so they "drive" their feelings and resentments so deep inside that only a qualified psychotherapist can get them out of there. Men often deny that they have depression, refer to a bad mood, fatigue. For them, it often develops into a chronic mental illness.

Getting out of depression alone is often impossible - a woman and a man need the support of a close friend, girlfriend, relative. You cannot shut yourself up and limit your communication with the world, you cannot remain silent - it is important to talk about your feelings to the “helper” - the listener. Speaking will help you get to the stage of acceptance faster, the said fears become not so big, and the grievances through speech are spoken out and go away.

At the stage of depression, it is important to plan your life as much as possible: every hour should be scheduled. Working, reading, walking the dog, taking classes with the child, going to the store - you need to plan everything down to the smallest detail. No matter how much you want to feel sorry for yourself and stay longer in bed, cry and look at one point, you need to raise yourself in time, force yourself to wash, get ready for work.

You shouldn't break your plan no matter what happens. This is important for creating a space where everything is clear and predictable several steps ahead. This is exactly what the person with depressive disorder lacks.

The more things a person has, the less time they will have for negative thoughts. If you cannot force yourself to do something at all, and this condition has lasted for more than two weeks, then you need to contact a psychotherapist or psychiatrist to prescribe adequate therapy.

The answer to this question can be formulated with several rules that it is advisable for divorced spouses to print and hang in a conspicuous place.

• After a divorce, neither women nor men should drown their grief with alcohol. They temporarily give the illusion of relief, but while a person is intoxicated, the psyche does not process information about the divorce, there is no progress from stage to stage. Thus, alcohol is a sure way not only to get alcoholism, but also to prolong your suffering, make it unbearable. Narcotic substances work in the same way.
• You should not allow yourself and those around you to feel sorry for yourself. "Poor fellow" and "bad luck" are not about you. Feeling sorry for yourself from your own or someone else's is a sure way to go into a black and hopeless depression.

• You should not scold your ex and spread negative information about him. This is especially true of the intimate aspects of personal life, some secrets that the ex-husband or ex-wife would like to keep secret. The offense will one day pass, and complete acceptance will come. But the reputation will be tarnished due to unpleasant statements about the partner, and even with the former it will be difficult to establish partnerships in the future. Both are worthy of respect, regardless of the reasons for the divorce.
• No need to humiliate yourself, you should not try to return your partner at any cost. After a divorce, about 15% of couples converge again after a while. But one should not strongly hope for this, and even more so, one should not pursue the ex (ex), send him (her) 300 messages a day, including at night.

For women, according to statistics, it takes 1 to 2 years to get out of post-divorce. Men cope with experiences and decide to start living anew earlier: in six months or a little more. The consequences of divorce are usually rarely negative. If the relationship was painful, pathological, then divorce is a blessing. It remains only to wait a little, realize this and move on.

After a divorce, it is usually possible to establish their personal life after 2-3 years, some earlier. According to statistics, up to 75% of women from 20 to 30 years old, up to 52% of women from 30 to 40 years old, and even up to 20% of women from 40 years old and older, re-enter marriage or civil relations. Men are more in demand - up to 95% of divorced men create new families, regardless of their age.

Psychologists advise to perceive the time after the divorce not as a period of disaster and collapse, but as the beginning of new opportunities that were previously inaccessible, unrealizable. Now all horizons are open - you can choose any and start moving towards the goal.

Marriage is an important part of a person's life. But not all life is friendship. There are goals, creativity and professional achievements, there are travel and communication, children and the joy of seeing them grow. Many live happy and fulfilling lives without getting married. Having understood this, it will be easier to accept the divorce with the thought that life is not over.

Age should not be a stress factor - both after 40 and after 50, divorce, although painful, provides all the same benefits as divorce after 25 years. The main thing is not to be afraid to live and not to blame yourself.