How to survive a divorce from your husband?

Divorce is a difficult event, which in many ways, from the point of view of psychology, is similar to the loss of a loved one. The emotional picture in a person experiencing a divorce and in a person experiencing loss is almost identical. The female psyche has its own characteristics, and therefore the stages of rehabilitation after a divorce in women do not proceed in the same way as in men. To get over the breakup easier, you need to know what lies ahead.

Women are more sensitive, pay more attention to emotions and feelings, and give them more space in their daily life. That is why a woman can painlessly get out of a divorce only in one case: if there are no children, and at the same time she leaves her husband for her beloved man, who was previously a lover. But even in this case, the fair sex will experience difficulties with a sense of her own guilt for some time. How large this complex will be depends on the individual traits of the woman, her upbringing, and ethics.

In all other cases, even if the woman herself made the decision to divorce, as the only correct measure (her husband drank, took drugs, beat him, did not want to work), the range of experiences will be quite impressive. The most painful situation for a woman is associated with a divorce after her husband's betrayal, with a divorce on his initiative for no apparent reason, since women's self-esteem suffers greatly, and a feeling of her own inferiority may arise.

The female psyche somewhat hypertrophies, increases suffering, but it also has positive aspects: women are naturally more labile, they adapt to new conditions faster, ladies have more developed intuition, and therefore they begin to feel earlier when suffering comes to an end and it is time to start planning life farther. They better distinguish one emotion from another, and therefore it is easier for them to understand themselves, but for a full-fledged introspection and self-help, women sometimes lack strong analytical and rational thinking.

The first thing to understand is that divorce is life-changing. Daily responsibilities, the rhythm of life change, new tasks appear, for example, financial ones. If you have children, now you have to organize their lives in a new way - this can be much more difficult than organizing your own. Everything that a woman will feel, regardless of age and social status, the presence of children, will proceed according to certain laws of psychology.

After divorce, the biggest fear is the fear of the unknown. To help a woman cope with it, we will try to tell what awaits her in the near future after the divorce, what processes will take place in her consciousness, subconsciousness, soul and heart. This will help you better identify your condition and understand which stage is already behind, and which is still ahead.

In fact, this is the first reaction to divorce. The stage can begin before the divorce, during the divorce proceedings, or immediately after it. It depends on the temperament and speed of perception of events by a particular woman. The following happens - she denies everything, what is happening seems unreal, as if everything is happening not with her, but in a dream, in a movie, with someone else. She cannot accept what happened, cannot evaluate it, believe in what is happening. Even if, in fact, the spouses have already separated, a woman may experience denial and not believe in the seriousness of what is happening.

The state resembles a shock, the perception is disturbed, the arguments are useless, the woman does not hear them yet. She thinks that she just needs to wait, go to sleep and everything will be as before. At this stage, nothing needs to be done: no actions, no conversations with sympathetic friends. The shock will recede pretty quickly.

Shock, like a high-quality anesthesia, somewhat dulled the perception so that reality would not collapse on the psyche in all its frightening volume. Once the shock wears off, pain is felt. This is quite natural, although very difficult. There is a feeling that the pain fills everything inside - it is constant, aching, not allowing you to concentrate on something. A woman sees the whole world through the prism of pain. In everything she sees a reminder of the past. The pain can also become palpable: some develop psychosomatic pains in the heart, others - headaches, toothache. The future is seen vaguely, and more often it is not seen at all. The woman sets herself the task of surviving.

There is almost no pain at this stage. Has already been ill. But there is a strong and annoying anger and a lot of resentment. For some, it acquires the scale of hatred. This stage is quite dangerous for a woman - she can get sick, chronic diseases can worsen. Under the influence of resentment, many ugly and even criminal acts can be done.

This stage is the most insidious of the stages of experiencing a divorce.At some point, a desire to forgive a partner comes, a woman finds multiple explanations for what happened, and she blames herself in many ways. There is a hope that after correcting one's shortcomings, it will be possible to reunite, to find happiness again with a person. The woman becomes very active and active. Begins to put himself in order, lose weight, dyes his hair and changes wardrobe. These actions are reminiscent of hysteria, since it is given to them with all the fervor. But they are not dangerous, even useful.

What is dangerous is the activity in attempts to organize a meeting with the ex, interrogation of how he lives, attempts to track down the ex-husband, sending him messages, calls at any time of the day. It is difficult to stop - the woman thinks that she has found the root of the problem, she is full of enthusiasm and sees the goal. But she is devoid of self-criticism, self-control, logical abilities. She doesn't think about the consequences. It was during this period that they sign up for magicians and fortune-tellers, make fortunes, go to church and come up with various cunning situations with fictitious diseases and problems in order to lure the ex to a meeting. In most cases, all these actions are completely useless.

Getting used to the situation does not begin in the most pleasant circumstances. After the stage of activity, there is a period of recession, depression. The woman is tired, she is powerless. She feels like a failure, prefers to be alone, loses her appetite, and often the desire to live in general. Added to the disappointment is sincere regret and shame for everything that she managed to do in the process of the previous stage. How long the depression will last is hard to say. You cannot remain without help at this stage.

There must be someone close and dear who will force a woman to eat, go to work. Let her do everything mechanically, but she does it without fail. Having a baby helps a lot at this stage. It requires care, attention, care - the maternal instinct usually always overcomes the depressive desire to lie and stare at the ceiling.

A sign of getting out of depression is the beginning of introspection. A woman begins to look at herself and her actions from the outside, she gets the opportunity to evaluate them and see the situation as it is. This is a great time to reevaluate your value system, work with grievances, and get rid of them. After forgiving yourself and your ex-husband, you can start choosing the vector of further movement - what to do, what to do, whether to change your job, the city, whether to start jumping with a parachute, or go on a trip. A lot of horizons and opportunities are opening up.

The adoption happened. The woman perfectly understands what happened and how. There is no resentment, no anger or desire for revenge. Life begins to play with new colors, there are very specific new plans. Following the outlined positive plans helps to recover and finally recover. There is no desire at all costs to return her husband, to renew the relationship. There is an inner readiness for a new relationship, which will not be for the sake of revenge on the former, but for the sake of gaining personal happiness.

Separately, I would like to dwell on this stage, since the success of getting out of the post-divorce state depends precisely on how the depression will be lived. This stage is most dangerous for women with increased sensitivity, very anxious, suspicious, vulnerable, infantile, accustomed to being cared for and cared for. It is this type of the fair sex that needs qualified psychological help, since they have a higher risk of transition from psychogenic depression to endogenous depression - then the state will become a mental illness.

It is difficult to assess the potential of your own psyche yourself. Therefore, the best thing to do at the first sign of depression is to fix the date of its onset and warn someone from the people you trust about it. If the symptoms of a depressive disorder recede within two weeks, you do not need to do anything. If the clinical picture only grows, you should consult a psychiatrist or psychotherapist in two weeks for the appointment of adequate therapy.

You need to pay attention to the classic picture of psychiatric signs of clinical depression:

• attacks of a gloomy and dreary mood are repeated every day and intensify in the morning, before lunch;
• a woman ceases to enjoy everything that she liked before, ceases to show interest in new things, loses her appetite;
• there is external motor retardation, emotional reactions are very slow.

GThe main thing in getting out of this state is correct psychotherapy. For those who will be next to a woman at this difficult moment for her, it is important to know that psychological support helps with mild forms of depression. If the condition is severe, it is better to get an appointment from a doctor for antidepressant drugs, sedatives. In this case, the treatment will be complex.

Relaxing massage, meditation, auto-training with programming for positive attitudes in the future are useful. With the right support, vocalizing your experiences, thoughts, emotions, keeping a diary of introspection, depressive disorder recedes in about 1-1.5 months. But the condition can last longer if the woman is melancholic or choleric from birth.

With regard to self-help measures, a woman should never refuse help if loved ones offer it. Physical activity, walks are useful. The method of planning free time is effective - the more a lady is busy with something, the less time she will have to worry. A change of place can be very useful - a trip to nature, to a dacha, to a neighboring city, to a resort.

In a state of depressive disorder, as in other stages after a divorce, it is important to avoid alcohol and drugs. They do not bring relief, do not solve problems. Moreover, while a person is intoxicated, his brain does not process the main problem, that is, the experience slows down, and the recovery process is delayed.

It is no less harmful to feel sorry for yourself. This is very convenient - this makes the woman more comfortable, but the position of the victim does not bring relief at all, but only pushes it further and further into the future. You should not allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself and others. Do not go over in your head and discuss with others the ugly actions of the ex. You shouldn't discuss it with your friends and relatives.

After living through all the stages of getting out of personal drama, the question of how to learn to live on will not be the most important, because the understanding of what needs to be done will come by itself. However, there are situations that should be considered separately. The behavior of a woman will no longer be the same, such a life experience necessarily leaves its imprint on her personality, character.

Some women find it easier to start an independent life, others find the very thought of it unbearable. Psychologists advise all ladies, without exception, not to perceive divorce as an apocalypse and a catastrophe on a planetary scale. Marriage is important, but it is not all. There are other things that are important for a person's happiness: friendship, a state of harmony with oneself, professional achievements and goals, creativity, caring for children. And even if you have been married for many years and it seems that you still love your ex, if betrayal knocked you down, this is not the end, this is the beginning of a new life in which you can write everything anew, in a different way.

Look around - you will see a lot of people who are not married and at the same time happy. They raise children, reach heights in their business, easily start personal relationships, they are surrounded by friends and live full, eventful lives. Watch them. Their secret is that they have long understood: happiness is not in a ring on your finger or in a stamp in your passport, but in your soul. If it is not there, no marriage will make a woman happy.

Separately, you should talk about some situations that can complicate rehabilitation after a divorce.

An infantile woman is not only the heroine of anecdotes and TV series, but also a quite common phenomenon in life. In childhood, the parents took upon themselves all the care of their daughter, they solved all her problems, protected her from any troubles, then her husband took over the baton - he supported his wife, provided everything necessary, made all the key decisions according to the scheme familiar to her from childhood. And now - a divorce.

The collapse of a marriage for such a woman is akin to the end of the world. After all, she not only loses marital relations, but also falls out of her comfort zone. On the other hand, this situation should be regarded as a starting position. Now is the best time to learn to be independent and self-sufficient. A lot depends on those who will be there in difficult times for a woman. It is strictly forbidden to feel sorry for her, but it is necessary to direct, motivate: find a job, start making money, start making decisions on your own.

In some cases, it is worth contacting a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist who will teach you how to become more decisive, how to mobilize your strength. The process of gaining independence, if it is active and active, can significantly facilitate emotional experiences after a divorce, because a woman's life will be filled with a lot of new impressions, experiences, acquaintances and events.

Threatening and aggressive behavior of the ex, if a woman knows that theoretically and practically a man can put his threats into action, should be a clear signal for her to start a defensive campaign. First of all, you need to change the door locks, visit the district police officer and tell him about the existing threats. If they are associated with a threat to life and health, the threat to abduct and take away a child, you should write a statement to the police.

In this case, the ex should in no case show your fear. There are people who threaten only to assert themselves, they are fueled by other people's fear and excitement. Seeing that the woman is panicking and afraid, the ex-husband gets the illusory feeling that he can still control her life.

It is better not to go into open conflict with aggressive exes. Change your phone number, and warn your coworkers at work not to invite you to the phone if an angry ex-spouse calls. Ask someone from your acquaintances or colleagues to accompany you from work, warn the teacher about possible problems in the kindergarten that the child attends.

Divorce during pregnancy most often occurs in young couples, but it can also happen in couples with any family background. The main thing to remember for the expectant mother and the ex-wife in one person is that stress is very dangerous for the baby. Under the influence of experiences, a woman produces stress hormones, which partially block the production of sex hormones. This is fraught with miscarriage, premature birth, complications of pregnancy, impaired growth and development of the baby.

The most important motivation for a pregnant woman after a divorce is the birth of a healthy child, whom she can raise and raise as a worthy person. It is better to focus on this - go to courses for expectant mothers, go shopping with cute things for babies, start buying your favorite cute things and toys, bottles and nipples.

Regardless of whether the relationship of the former spouses remained good or bad, it is better for a woman not to meet or contact her ex before giving birth. Excessive experiences (and when they meet, they are inevitable) can only harm. After the baby is born, the couple can calmly discuss what will happen next - whether the man will participate in raising the baby, what will be his help, etc.

A pregnant woman, left alone, is doubly offended - she worries both for herself and for the child. Therefore, she especially needs the support of friends and family. It is important not to refuse help, to take care of your own strength, to remember every day that the health and condition of the baby depends on your thoughts and feelings. You are his only protection and hope, you simply have no right to let the crumb down, to expose him to danger.

The child is another participant in the divorce. He, like you, has a hard time. It will be good if you immediately form an alliance with your child, since both of you now need each other's support. You should not hide from the kid what happened, but refrain from unpleasant details, but you should not pretend that nothing happened at all. Children of beauty feel lies and tension.

The danger of lying in the relationship between mother and child - everyone knows. The child grows up and will respond in kind. But the tension, which the mother will try to disguise under fatigue, under malaise, will surely find a way out - in conditions of emotional depression of adults, children begin to get sick more often.

It is best to honestly tell your baby what you are experiencing, what is difficult for you, but together you will surely cope with everything. Remember that it is bad for both, build your leisure time together - make it a rule to go to a park, to a cinema or an entertainment center, to a museum or to a zoo once a week. New sensations will help you distract from painful and unpleasant thoughts.

Divorce does not always mean the end of feelings. It often happens that the divorce certificate is already on hand, and the feelings in the soul for the former are still alive. For such women, the most dangerous stage is the stage of false hopes. They can go to the point of humiliation, to the loss of self-esteem, they can promise the ex to do whatever he wants, just to restore the relationship.

Even if there are some feelings in your soul, this does not give you the right to destroy your own dignity and self-respect. The humiliated and insulted are usually difficult to love and accept. They love completely different people - confident, self-sufficient, courageous and happy. Become this. Statistics say that about 15% of couples after a divorce converge again after a while. If your case is exactly the same, then yours will not leave you anywhere.The time you spend apart should be used to the fullest - tidy yourself up, lose weight, find new friends and an exciting hobby, and radiate happiness. Do not humiliate yourself, do not persecute your ex - men also take time to reassess their values ​​and understand their actions. If you are not one of those 15% who give their families a second chance, then in the time taken to bring yourself to life and in good shape, you will understand that you are not waiting for this as before, it will be easier to accept the final breakup.

There are some universal tips to print and hang in a prominent place. They will definitely support you in difficult times, help you get through difficult days and pull yourself together.

• Nobody has to live up to the expectations of others. Both you and your ex-man have the right to be who each of you wants to be individually.
• Don't go to extremes.
• Learn something new every day (in any area).
• Do a kind and selfless deed every day (help neighbors, colleagues, strangers). Your self-esteem will start to rise within a few days.
• You have enough strength, courage, courage and experience to start a new life. Don't limit your dreams, don't limit yourself to dreams - make it come true.
• Each stage of life has its own life lesson. Try to understand what she decided to teach you through the divorce (patience, humility, forgiveness, independence, gratitude for friendship and support).
• All will pass.