How to survive a divorce from your wife?

For some reason, it is believed that the experiences and suffering after a divorce are the lot of women, that a real man does not allow himself to sob and groan. This stereotype is so firmly entrenched in the minds of people that after their marriage falls apart, men themselves are lost in conjectures - how to act, how to survive this difficult period and remain a real man at the same time. Men suffer and experience no less than women, and sometimes even more. But their personal drama develops according to different laws.

Male behavior after the breakup of a relationship can be different. It all depends on how much time people spent together, under what circumstances and on whose initiative they parted. Divorce statistics show that most often (over 60% of cases) women initiate divorce. But it should be understood that only statistics of official appeals to state bodies and courts are taken into account, but in fact, a woman can apply for a divorce, while the separation took place on a male initiative.

It so happens that in society, marriage with men is often perceived as a constraint. When marriage ceases to exist, it seems to such men that now everything is available to them - fishing and beer at any time and as much as necessary, any woman - no need to report to anyone. But time passes, the joy of freedom is gradually replaced by bewilderment, because the bachelor reality turns out to be not at all as rosy as it seemed. Many men are disappointed in their decision to part with their wife.

Men who are abandoned by their wives are more worried. Indeed, in this case, not only the usual way of life, way of life, duties, but also the self-esteem of a man collapses. Representatives of the stronger sex are so arranged that it is psychologically very important for them to be the winners, the first. And the departure of a wife to another man, even if the husband himself has thought about divorce for a long time, becomes a very painful situation, since the wounded self-esteem of men usually hurts for a long time and strongly.

The stereotypes that have existed in society for centuries are beginning to crumble, and more and more often men admit that divorce does not at all give them intoxicating freedom and happiness. British experts conducted a large-scale sociological study, which showed that up to 24% of the stronger sex after a divorce admit that they do not feel free, but rather devastated. About half of divorced men admitted that they had been depressed and even depressed for quite some time.

For men, the experience of divorce can cost a lot of nerves and health. Since boys are raised with a clear attitude that "men do not cry or complain", practically from childhood all representatives of the stronger sex are accustomed to diligently suppress their emotions and feelings. Society contributes a lot to this. If a woman gets divorced, colleagues and relatives sympathize with her, and if a man gets a divorce, friends and colleagues begin to congratulate. If the representative of the stronger sex at the same time honestly admits that it is difficult, difficult and bad for him, then he runs the risk of being branded weak. Not wanting this for quite natural reasons, a man begins to try on a mask of indifference, restraint, although a whole cauldron of passions and emotions is boiling inside him.

Men make attempts to throw out what has accumulated, but they do not always do it with adequate methods: noisy spree, alcohol, sorting out new partners, and so on. Men overestimate their lives, try to find a new meaning, but this does not always work out. Correctly living your personal grief is the key to a successful way out of the psychological impasse, but it is with this living that men have problems.

The behavior of a man after a divorce is largely due to the circumstances of the separation: it is easier to part if everything happened respectfully, calmly. If a man is humiliated, offended by his partner's betrayal, offended by her, listened to many reproaches, it will take more time to restore a normal worldview.

And also the behavior of men depends on their psychotype.

• Hunters - representatives of the stronger sex, accustomed to always achieve what they need. They are quite charming, purposeful, self-confident. They even turn a divorce into a competition for the right to say the last word, to put an end to it. Such men suffer secretly, alone, trying to find a new passion as soon as possible and make sure that the former sees her - without this, the victory will be incomplete.
• Observer - this psychotype is distinguished by poise, calmness, gentleness, kindness. Divorce is perceived as a drama - it is hard and for a long time blaming himself for what happened, falls into a stupor, can do something stupid - quit, decide to move to another city. He suffers for a long time, painfully, often seeking solace in alcohol. She is in no hurry to enter into new relationships; she treats new friends with caution, with apprehension.

• Trustee - a caring husband and father. If a divorce happens, he really suffers, hardly pulls himself together. Finds a lot of new things, activities, hobbies, just to fill the void in the soul.He is in no hurry to build new relationships, but he does not refuse old ones either - he continues to take care of common children, never refuses to come and help his ex-wife, even if he is offended by her.

• Eternal child - a selfish, eccentric man who puts his own interests first. He fosters and nurtures resentment, kindles it in himself, can start to scandalize, blackmail his ex-spouse, demand something from her (sometimes even come back, because he feels bad). Suffers not for long. He quickly finds consolation in new relationships, is very optional in matters of responsibility and raising children from previous marriages.
• Tyrant - the most dangerous type for a woman. The worst thing is if his self-esteem is wounded and his self-esteem suffers. He begins not only to suffer, but also to take revenge on his ex-wife for every experience he has. He does not admit that he participated in the divorce in solidarity, that he also has a share of responsibility for the broken relationship, only blames his wife and has insidious plans.

One cannot allow himself a week-long spree, since he has to work, while the other can decide on it in the middle of the working week, the third can offend his ex-wife, threaten her, and for the fourth such behavior is unacceptable.

Parting is in many ways similar to the experience of loss, death of a loved one. Therefore, a divorce from a wife is subject to the psychological laws of experiencing personal grief. Psychologists believe that for a successful exit from these experiences, it is important to consistently go through all their stages.

• Denial is the first reaction. Unwillingness to believe what is happening. Some men at this stage are sure that the wife will go crazy, calm down, everything will be fine, she will change her mind. Some are sure that divorce is impossible, that it is just some kind of temporary complication in the usual relationship. The stage in men usually does not last long - from several hours to several days.
• Resentment and anger - this stage replaces denial and falls on the person with mental pain, worries, bewilderment, why it happened and how the wife could do it. At this stage, men often do rash acts - they go headlong into alcohol or drugs, they can begin to take revenge on their ex. A man is worried about the fear of shame and defeat in the eyes of society, it is important for him to maintain his self-esteem at any cost. Men really do not like to be "abandoned" (as well as women).

• Hope is the tranquil stage. There is no anger, resentments also begin to recede, but so far there is no acceptance, and therefore a person begins to build false hopes: if the initiator of the divorce is a woman, the man may decide that it is still possible to make peace. Some begin to stalk their ex, seek out meetings, and talk about their feelings. But this behavior is still unusual for most men. Less often men seek reconciliation, who themselves initiated a divorce - for most of the stronger sex, the very thought of admitting their own mistake is unbearable.

• Depression - the stage in which a man can "get stuck" for a long time if he refuses to let go of his negative feelings, fears, resentments, irritation. Everyone goes through it, but for some it is easier, for others it is very difficult. At this stage, you do not want anything, there is no desire to communicate with someone, there are no goals and aspirations. It is at this stage that a man who divorces in the hope of freedom begins to experience the frustration of the freedom he has acquired at the cost of marriage.
• Acceptance and analysis of the situation - at this stage, a firm conviction comes that it is no longer possible to change anything in what has happened, the person accepts reality as it really is. Many men are revising their usual belief systems and values.It is at this stage that the restoration to normal life begins. New acquaintances, new hobbies and hobbies, new goals appear.

Often, a divorce occurs against the background of a situation in which one of the partners retains warm and tender feelings for the initiator of the separation. It can be very difficult to help such men, because they are piously convinced that it is love that lives in the heart, and do not even admit the thought that love upon closer examination is not so much a tender feeling as a cry of wounded self-esteem.

The man is confused, he loses the battle for the possession of a woman, deep in his soul a huge resentment is brewing, including against himself, which the representatives of the stronger sex endure very painfully. Very often, in practice, it turns out that behind the concept of "love" a man hides his fear of loneliness, fear of the need to start new relationships with women, fear of public opinion (abandoned man syndrome).

If a man loves a woman and categorically does not want to let her go, there is also a fair amount of selfishness in this. Of course, you need to ask your partner's opinion when the stages of resentment and anger are left behind. Maybe she wants to reunite - in this case, the couple may well be together again. But if a woman does not want to renew the relationship, it is important for a man to give her the right to such a decision, that is, to let her go. This must be done so that both your own dignity and the dignity of your ex-wife are preserved. There is no need to humiliate her, insult, blackmail or threaten her, blaming her for everything. What happened has already happened.

The father has the same right to participate in the upbringing of his children as the mother. It is imperative to discuss with the ex-wife how often the father will see the child, what will be his help in raising, how and how he can benefit. Manipulating children is cruel and unreasonable. Trying to make their ex-wife more painful, men sometimes do not notice that the most painful thing from divorce is not to them, not to their wives, but to children: the marriage of adults is destroyed, and the whole world has collapsed in children.

No matter what your spouse, with whom you broke up, acts with you, you should not tell common children about the mother of nasty things, set them up against the mother, blame her for the divorce. Find pleasant topics for communication with children, go to the movies and parks with them, do your favorite hobbies, as before. The main thing is not to impress the ex, not to make her regret her decision to divorce, but to make sure that for the child everything remains as familiar as possible in the relationship with the father, as it was before the separation.

More painful than others (and this is a proven fact) the representatives of the stronger sex, who themselves are prone to infidelity, experience betrayal of their half. But whatever the circumstances in which the wife decided on treason and divorce, the main thing is to calm down, to pull herself together. You should immediately abandon plans for revenge, including intrigues for the sake of revenge of the ex - this is the path to nowhere. Most men see a real betrayal in their wife's betrayal.

Anger and anger on your part will not be able to change anything.Forgiving his wife is important for him, not for her. Accumulated grievances can lead to serious illness. And forgiveness will be the beginning of a new life. If you often remember that the mental pain in the event of a spouse's betrayal is based on wounded self-esteem, then it will be easier to manage negative experiences. Whether a man will continue to try to build a relationship with the cheater or not is not so important for forgiveness. You need to let go of the offense in any case.

A divorced man has more free time and this is the honest truth. Therefore, a lot in how quickly he will be able to regain self-confidence depends on how he uses this formed personal time. You need to understand that a divorce, whatever it may be, it is always "breaking". External circumstances, the usual way of life, as well as internal attitudes and ideas will break down.

Divorce is painfully tolerated, not even because two people suddenly broke up, but because a man at some point decides to be offended (yes, each of us makes such a decision exclusively independently). He is offended that his wife did the impossible, and this does not meet his own expectations. No one is obliged to meet someone's expectations, including his wife, and therefore all your expectations should be safely sent to the junk. Together with resentment.

Whatever the man decides to do in the free time, the main thing is that it should not be self-criticism, not an attempt to look for the guilty, not a constant mental return to the circumstances of a personal drama. You should not try and artificially fill the internal vacuum with anything - alcohol, touching women, drugs, lying aimlessly on the couch with the TV remote control in your hands. All this is not able to fill the spiritual voids with high quality, but only enhances the feeling of loss.

In principle, it is impossible to control all your thoughts and emotions all the time, and therefore it will be better if your free time is planned so that there is always a place in it for the presence of pleasant and important people for a person. This is not necessary so that there is someone to feel sorry for, to sympathize with, but so that a man simply does not do something that he may later regret very much.

Here are some more important tips to help you organize your time so that there is no room for unpleasant chewing on the past.

• Find a way to release stress in a constructive way. - sign up for the gym, the pool, the sports section. Physical activity will allow you to throw out negative emotions hidden in your soul, and sports will only benefit your health.
• Feel free to ask for help. The attitude of many men, which sounds like "I am strong, I can do anything," is sometimes an insurmountable obstacle on the way to asking others for help. And it is necessary to do this, especially at moments when the feeling of one's own powerlessness to cope with the surging emotions comes. A psychologist, psychotherapist, close friend can be a good helper and listener.

• Don't look for a replacement. A new relationship, if a man is not yet matured psychologically and emotionally, will not bring either satisfaction or happiness. Things can get even more confused if the new passion decides to get a husband in your face at any cost. Let everything take its course. There will definitely be new relationships, but later.
• Be clear about the reasons for the breakup and draw conclusions. If the wife has cheated, then this is not the cause, but the effect. The real reason could lie in the fact that it was you who paid too little attention to the woman, did not care about her, hurt her. Find the real reason, work it out and draw conclusions for the future.

A man can start a new life after he has lived through all the stages of his loss in two ways: leave everything as it is, or use the divorce as a launching pad for his own takeoff. Forgetting a divorce will not work, but it is quite possible to move away from it, find yourself and try to improve yourself.

But they can only be used when mobilizing the whole complex of typical masculine qualities - from courage to firmness of character. It is very important to find new goals, while they should serve to grow personally and emotionally. Even if you really want to return your wife, you should become different, different, more mature and thereby surprise her. It is worth answering questions about what plans you wanted to realize for a long time, but there was no time or opportunity, and also whether these goals are relevant now.

In order to make it easier and more profitable to survive the divorce, it is worth printing and hanging in a conspicuous place a few simple recommendations:

• Use every day for personal growth - comprehend the previously unknown.
• Do one useful and good deed every day.
• Be positive.