How to decide on a divorce and leave painlessly?

Marital relationships sometimes develop according to a destructive scenario. And in this case, sooner or later the question of divorce arises before the person. But it is not so easy to decide on it - years spent together, children, shared loans and responsibilities. When deciding on a divorce, it is important to correctly diagnose, then the question of how to decide on a divorce will not seem insoluble.

Formally, marriages break up for a variety of reasons: the husband has a mistress, the woman has a lover, the marriage has outlived its usefulness and there are no more common interests, spiritual and physical intimacy, scandals have become frequent. But behind each such formal reason are the true reasons, which lead to marital infidelity, to other misconduct of partners. If the reasons go unnoticed, if they are deliberately ignored, they are not resolved, if the solution is impossible, the relationship begins to develop in a destructive pattern. In it, partners cannot be happy by definition, over time, the internal conflict only intensifies, the tension grows, the salvation of the marriage becomes impossible.

There is only one way out of a destructive family - divorce. In order not to be mistaken, you need to know exactly the signs of the destruction of relations. Several characteristic signs indicate that your relationship has become toxic.

• More and more often you feel that you are losing yourself, you perfectly understand that you are being manipulated, but you cannot do anything about it.
• You spend too much energy, strength and nerves on maintaining relationships - this does not give you the opportunity to fully communicate with others, to work with full dedication.
• You are emotionally and physically dependent on your partner's mood and desires.
• The problems of your significant other become yours, you solve them instead of your own problems, to the detriment of yourself.
• You are afraid to face your partner as you are, because you are afraid that you will be really rejected. You are often criticized on important issues and in small things (from work to choosing the color of clothes).

• Your desires are not considered, they are not even interested, they are not taken into account. There is no respect, you are insulted, humiliated. Your needs (even natural ones) are not taken into account.
• You completely lack personal space (hobbies, friends, free time).
• You are being abused (physical, psychological, economic).

It's time to get rid of them if it is not possible to change something. Additional factors that only aggravate the situation are the following circumstances:

• the marriage was hasty, the decision was not well thought out;
• big age difference between husband and wife;
• the social status of partners is very different;
• the level of education of partners is different;
• different goals and aspirations, outlook on life;
• partners are representatives of different nationalities, cultures and religions.

• lack of common goals;
• lack of emotional and sexual connection;
• dependence on alcohol, drugs;
• violence of any type (a tyrant is not only physical).

In the life of every family, periods of crises can occur - they should in no way be confused with destruction. A crisis is a temporary phenomenon caused by recent circumstances and reasons. In this case, both partners are generally ready for compromise and dialogue.

You can distinguish a crisis from a destructive pathological relationship by honestly answering a few questions.

• Do most of the ambiguous or controversial situations in the family become a conflict (or even a fight)?
• Has accusations and insults become the norm? Do you use swear words more often than gentle ones?
• Does the partner often recall mistakes to another, blame him, shame?
• Is there a respectful attitude towards your words, opinions, needs?
• Does your partner support your desire for personal growth?
• Is everything okay in your sexual relationship?

Women's magazines and forums are full of advice to "save marriage at any cost." In the case of a destructive marriage relationship, maintaining a marriage is dangerous for the life, health, and development of children. Divorce in most cases cannot be avoided if:

• marriage is built on the sacrifice of one of the partners (one sacrifices himself and his life, plans, interests for the welfare of the other);
• assault, sexual abuse, bullying take place in marriage;
• one of the partners drinks or uses drugs, while refusing to admit his illness and to be treated;
• there is a cult of personality and tyranny in the family (one of the partners suppresses the other, deprives him of the right of speech, opinion, decisions, prohibits communicating with friends, relatives, strictly controls all the affairs and financial expenses of the second party);
• the family has accumulated many abandoned, unresolved conflict situations, while there is no intimate life;

• one or both partners have no desire to work to maintain the relationship;
• there is pathological unjustified paranoid or manic jealousy, which the jealous partner flatly refuses to treat from a psychotherapist or psychiatrist, not admitting the fact of his illness;
• parents cannot come to a consensus in the upbringing of children.

In this list, as you can see, there are no betrayals. There are many couples who, with difficulty, but confidently went through this, forgave and saved the family, relations in it became better. If desired, such problems are mutually resolved without the need for divorce. To make it easier for you to "make an accurate diagnosis", answer yourself honestly another important question: "Is the cause of disagreement and misunderstanding removable?" Answer not theoretically, but in relation to your circumstances (theoretically, drug addiction is curable, and alcoholics become exemplary, in practice, these are isolated cases).

Give a verdict and take action to save yourself, your life and the psyche of your child, if any.

Divorce is not just a second stamp in a passport or a humiliating legal proceeding for the division of property and children. This is, first of all, mental trauma (regardless of who initiated the breakdown of the marriage). Psychologists quite reasonably compare parting with the loss of a loved one (death). Divorce is experienced precisely as a loss, so it is very, very difficult to go voluntarily into such experiences.

Each person has a certain amount of fear for their own future, as divorce will change their present. While a woman is married, she tries not to think about how many divorced women, in search of new personal happiness, remain single or meet partners who turn out to be much worse than the former. A married woman is a certain status in society, its loss seems shameful, shameful.

Men are more afraid of being abandoned than initiating a divorce, since it is important for them to emerge victorious from any situation. Fear for their own self-esteem, including in the eyes of others, as well as unwillingness to change the usual comfortable course of events, often prevent them from making a decision to dissolve an outdated marriage.

Divorce will require mobilizing internal resources, changing the lifestyle of all participants in the process, while the future turns out to be unclear, vague - this is the main deterrent. But in the event of destruction, when divorce is the only reasonable solution to overcoming personal and family crisis, it is worth paying attention to the other side - to the personal freedom that the decision will give.

Usually we get a vicious circle: we decide to divorce - we are afraid of the consequences - we change our minds and justify our refusal to decide (temporary). And so for years. Sooner or later, you will have to break this circle at any stage: after deciding on the need for a divorce, you need to forbid yourself to think about the consequences or imagine only the positive aspects of divorce. After the application is submitted, do not try to justify your doubts.

Leaving with them on their own can be very painful. But even here you need to figure out - is it love? Most often, people confuse addiction, fear of loneliness, shame, an unclear future with high tender feelings for a partner. If you put everything "on the shelves" and know exactly what you are afraid of losing, it may turn out that love has been gone for a long time, and it is much easier to divorce the unloved. There are other situations that require a separate explanation.

Being around a drunk or hungover person who is out of control of their words and actions is not possible.Surely you have made attempts to talk, influence, cure, relieve him of addiction. If there is no result, you should not hope for it. Now the addict apologizes in the morning, tries to make amends, but a little time will pass, and he will stop doing this if he realizes that you have come to terms with his addiction. And then any of your protests against alcohol will cause aggression, anger, inappropriate behavior in your partner.

It is better to take care of your own life, because being the soulmate of an alcoholic or drug addict means putting your life in danger. The sooner this relationship is broken, the less likely it is that the partner will develop the so-called codependency.

Yes, an alcoholic can be very sorry. But pitying someone who does not pity you and himself is a waste of time. The more the drinker is sorry, the more reasons he has for self-pity, and, accordingly, for taking another dose of alcohol. Alcoholics are great at manipulating loved ones, they press on pity, but remember that this is just manipulation. Healthy relationships cannot be built on it.

There is no need to once again talk and remind about how painfully children endure the divorce of their parents. It is better to talk about how they endure the refusal of divorce in the event of a pathological marriage, because few people speak about this honestly. Imagine that it is decided to keep the relationship for the sake of the children. Spouses live different lives, they do not have unity and common goals, they are constantly in tension, as if they were forced to always be near strangers. Their stress sooner or later begins to cause psychosomatic diseases in children. Children of any age perfectly feel innuendo and tension. They cannot express it in words, they cannot live and forget, since they are forced to be in this environment constantly.

Very problematic adolescents grow out of such children, who with age get the opportunity to protest with destructive behavior. And then society gets adults who do not know how to build normal relationships with the opposite sex, do not know how to value and express warm feelings, and lie. Do you want such a future for your kids? Maintain a destructive marriage. Do you want your kids to grow up happy? Get divorced. Give them an example of a way out of destruction, rejection of pathological relationships. Over time, they will understand everything. It makes no difference whether you have one child, two or three. If relationships develop in a destructive scenario, they are dangerous for the psyche and health of all children.

There are no painless divorces. You have to go through several stages of accepting grief, from total denial of reality to anger, depression, humility and acceptance. But there will be acceptance anyway. If you remember that these experiences and stages are natural in the event of separation, then it will be easier to get through them.

If a decision is made, parting should be done with dignity. Try to explain your decision as much as possible: speak with your partner evenly, calmly, convincingly, give arguments, do not insult him, do not humiliate him. The conversation is very important so that there are no unresolved conflicts. With a civil or official partner, with or without children - try to be correct. The only exceptions are cases when it is obviously clear that the partner will not adequately perceive the conversation: if the alcoholic partner does not let go, he has total control, if the tyrant partner does not want to hear anything about your decision, if he begins to threaten, blackmail, raises his hand, then the conversation better to exclude.

Leave quietly, carefully so as not to provoke an inadequate partner to aggression. You can enlist the support of loved ones or friends, ask them to help you take out your belongings, or be present at the time of leaving - this will reduce the likelihood of physical abuse. Do not become a victim of manipulation, evaluate your partner's motives correctly. Do not feel sorry for yourself and him. It's one thing to leave someone you love and respect, and quite another to leave someone who is potentially dangerous to you and your children.

There are some important rules to keep in mind as you ponder this tricky decision.

• Forget feeling sorry for yourself and your partner. Make a decision without considering this feeling.
• Try on any argument "for yourself" - whether you need it, whether it will be useful specifically for you.
• Don't decide for others. If you have any questions - ask.
• Imagine more often what advantages your decision will have.