How to keep a family on the verge of divorce?

Recently there was a wedding, a honeymoon, where you and your husband were in love and happy. And now, after some time, grinding began, misunderstanding of each other, and you are already ready to break off the relationship. Take your time to make a radical decision. In the heat of emotion, you can destroy what is dear. Breathe in, breathe out, put your thoughts in order and weigh the pros and cons.

We will not consider extreme situations when there is a threat to your life or health in marriage. The need for security is basic, and it is impossible to live in such a relationship fully. If the reasons are different - there is no understanding in matters of everyday life, raising children, there is not enough financial, ideological knowledge, and so on, then perhaps you should save a family that is on the verge of divorce.

The advice that you hear from someone else can be valuable, but the decision in any case is yours, because only your inner feeling will help you find the right answer.

• First you need to decide from which of the spouses the initiative comes. If from you, then the opportunity to think carefully about everything and correct the situation is in your hands. If the spouse offered to disperse, you need to find out the reason. When the reason is clear and it is categorical, then opposition will only strengthen your mutual dislike. It happens that it is not possible to find out the reason right away - put off breaking the relationship and clarify the situation slowly.
• Imagine your life without a spouse. How will you deal with the breakup? If you feel that you cannot do without him, that the breakup will only make you worse, then you should think about whether you need this separation.

• Listen to yourself: what feelings do you and your partner still have? Will they help save your relationship? If both of you feel like they bring you together, it's important not to break up.
• Think about what common interests still bind you, for example, living space, common business. This question arises for almost all couples. Saving the marriage just for the sake of it, you will experience one irritation, which in the end can also lead to separation.
• The question often arises whether it is worth keeping a family for the sake of children. For parents, children are the meaning of life. For children, the family is dad and mom together, and divorce for them is an incomprehensible, meaningless and hurting phenomenon. Regardless, as you do your best to save your marriage, remember that children may not be better in an atmosphere of abuse or mutual hostility between spouses. Also, a child can take the negative behavior of his parents as a model and bring it into his family in the future.

Building is harder than breaking, and repairing a broken relationship is a tough job. But if you have something to keep, then the work is worth the effort, and you can dissuade your companion from divorce. The main thing to be done is to establish contact and conduct a dialogue. This skill, which can and should be learned, will help restore any, not just family relationships.

Suppose a husband is dissatisfied with his wife’s cooking, but she spins from morning to evening as if she’d been running: in the evening she prepares food, including the next day, in the morning the children go to kindergarten, she takes the school, she goes to work, and after work, taking the children, she comes tired and they start to cook again and feed everyone. But in the conversation between the spouses, it turns out that it is more important for her husband that she cook a hot breakfast and have breakfast with him, and it is not at all necessary to meet him with dinner from work, since he can warm up the food himself. As a result, both the husband got what he wanted, and the wife is happy that in the evening there was time to relax and communicate with the family.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your companion. To do this, you need to calm down and choose the right moment. Because if you communicate on emotions or in a hurry, you are unlikely to understand each other, and you can tell your partner about troubles and get even more angry. It is necessary not only to persuade him, but to clarify the reasons for the conflict and ways to resolve it.

Both are often responsible for the deterioration of the relationship. When a partner sees that they are being listened to and understood or are trying to understand, he is more willing to listen to your point of view. Then it will be easier to convince him not to divorce.

Explain your position in a calm and friendly manner. Try to convey what you don't like without criticism or insults. A flat background of the conversation will better help to understand the situation than a skirmish with offensive words.

Even the closest people will project their beliefs onto your situation, and you may make a decision that is not in agreement with your views.

When painful issues have been discussed and important decisions have been made, agree on their implementation (you can even fix them in writing in the form of an agreement or a joint action plan). So you both will know for what part of your relationship each of you is responsible, and this agreement will guarantee your peace of mind in this particular area. Returning to the cooking example: the wife, now knowing the needs of her husband and taking into account her own (perhaps she is a "lark" and it is easier for her to cook everything in the morning, and in the evening it is better to have a rest), promises to cook in the morning and rest in the evening.And the spouse undertakes to buy groceries on the way from work instead of her, so that his beloved will really have free time for evening rest.

Almost all families go through a period when the first strong feelings for each other cool down and the spouses begin to notice not only advantages, but also disadvantages. You both need to know that this process is almost inevitable (unless you approached a marriage with a cool head or calculation) and be prepared for this turn of events. It's great if you trust each other so much that you can calmly discuss such situations, this will help you keep your spouse. If not, then you need to learn sincere communication and trust.

But it did happen, and your husband, who was in a hurry from work yesterday with a cake for his beloved, comes today, flops into a chair by the TV and does not even kiss you on the cheek. Or your wife, who saw you off in the morning and blew dust particles from your suit, now only takes care of herself and the children.

Surely in your dreams you were together. Being together, helping, supporting each other - this is the meaning of the family.

Go back in your discussion or mentally (if it's easier for you) to a time when everything was still romantic. What has changed since then in you, in your life? Often, changes in relationships occur with the birth of children. A woman during this period is almost completely surrendered to maternal feelings. When the husband is also imbued with paternal feelings, then they are both immersed in joyful care for the child. And when a man internally has not yet matured to fatherhood, then he will perceive a decrease in self-care painfully and may even be jealous of his wife for the baby.

The task of the spouses in this case is to be sensitive to each other.

Give each other a little warmth with participation, taking care of the companion's state of mind: "How are you?", "What's new?"

If it turns out that you are united by passion, and not something deeper, then start looking for this deeper. Visit creative exhibitions, museums, cinema, performances together, start studying educational literature, watch interesting videos. Deliberately make your leisure time together productive. And, perhaps, not only leisure - what if your interests grow into a hobby and into your main activity?

The main thing is to understand each other and pay attention to the needs of your partner during the period of decreasing intensity of your feelings. Perhaps your well-groomed appearance is important to him, or maybe he needs to be useful, in the opportunity to be alone, or just in gratitude and recognition.

The betrayal of a loved one and the pain of betrayal are difficult to forgive and forget. Emotions are bursting, and you want to throw them out, but the thought still works and you understand - the husband has not left for another, which means that you and the family are more important to him.

Pause, take a breath. Now you can already ponder and think about how to live on.

If the answer is yes, then we will discuss the next steps.

• Talk to him, let him explain.
• Most often, a woman wants to make a scandal: "He got in a mess, and I'll still lisp with him!" An outlet for emotions, of course, is necessary, but it is important not to overdo it.
• The debriefing scenes should not be repeated - they get tired and go away. It is enough to shout out your feelings once.And in the future, just calmly discuss the situation.
• Together, look for the root cause of infidelity in your relationship. They can be your jealousy or neglect of your spouse, routine, lack of trust in a relationship.

• Consider his reasonable reasons and, if this is your mistake, try not to repeat it.
• State your position, and once you understand it, secure an agreement to change what is uncomfortable in your relationship.
• This conversation should concern only the two of you, if you do not want others in the future to involuntarily hurt you with their gossip.
• Remember that the basis of a trusting relationship is only goodwill, it is impossible to force someone to do as you want. Therefore, patience is your main tool in restoring the family hearth.

Building a family hearth is a process, and, as already mentioned, it is not an easy task. But since you are thinking about preserving it, it means that you are ready to join this process and become the creator of your own destiny.

Below are tips from a psychologist on how to keep your family in tune.

• When trouble happens, try not to withdraw into yourself for a long time, but to discuss the problem with your spouse. It is sometimes necessary to be alone, but a prolonged immersion in oneself will not add understanding. Having mentally decomposed the situation on the shelves, share your thoughts and feelings with the faithful. Intimate moments of conversation will add trust to your family and help ward off discord.
• Take note of your shortcomings and eradicate them. For example, it can be unhealthy jealousy, pride, or, conversely, insecurity. We are all subject to these feelings to one degree or another, and in marriage they become more noticeable. Treat this as an opportunity to know yourself and change for the better.
• Take care of yourself, your appearance. A healthy focus on your appearance and a well-groomed appearance, including at home, will help you avoid the temptation of your spouse to compare you to other, more well-groomed women. If you are interesting to yourself, you will also be interesting to your partner.

• Look for yourself in a diverse world of hobbies and interests. It can be both cooking, handicrafts and home design, as well as the study of scientific materials in various fields, including in the field of psychology. Huge opportunities for development are now provided by the Internet, with the condition of its use for its intended purpose.
• Finding common ground in common goals, values, interests, and hobbies will help prevent disagreements. They can be: raising children, traveling, creating a common cause, building a house, social activities, etc.
• Remember that one of the goals of any family is caring for each other. And, putting in the forefront such values ​​as making money or achieving only material goals, you can lose the very meaning of the family. The phrase "family hearth" implies the opportunity for family members to stop at least for a while and be together: someone for a common cause, someone for talking or fiddling with children, chat, share their worries or just sit in silence, embracing.

• Taking care of your family, you need to remember about yourself, about your desires and needs. This is necessary for you to feel like a whole person, and not a mixture of the wants of children and a husband. It is also needed for your family. A wife and a mother who knows what she wants, which means she loves and takes care of herself, is a calm and joyful mother, such a mother is able to give warmth and love and I want to be with her.

It is possible to save a family on the verge of divorce. To do this, you first need to make sure of the need to maintain and the firmness of your decision. After that, you can build relationships with dialogue and listening skills. After discussing the situation, do not forget to agree on new rules in your family for the changes to take effect. Now tune in to tireless work on yourself and your relationships, and peace and understanding will definitely reign in your family.

For information on how to keep a happy family, see the next video.