Divorce: what is, reasons and statistics

The number of divorces in Russia today is a record - almost every second marriage ends in dissolution. And this cannot but make you think: on the one hand, the state is trying to do everything to maintain the image of the family, and on the other, families for some reason are not getting stronger. What reasons lead to divorces, how divorces pass, when they are inevitable, and how to survive this event, will be discussed in this material.

Divorce is the termination of an active marriage between spouses. Since recently, civil marriages have also been recognized to a certain extent by law, it can be considered a divorce and separation of a couple who lived without stamps in their passports.

Once in Russia, it was almost impossible to get a divorce. The reasons why they could allow the dissolution of the marriage were quite weighty, they definitely had to be proved to the clergyman in order to receive the so-called divorce letter, witnesses were also needed, and words alone were not enough. They could have divorced a couple under the following proven circumstances:

• adultery;
• bigamy or dualamy;
• an ailment in a man or woman, which was before marriage and which interferes with the fulfillment of marital duty, childbirth, life together;
• disappearance of a husband or wife without a trace (5 years ago or more);
• sentence to a husband or wife for a grave and especially grave crime against the law;
• monasticism of a husband or wife (only if there were no small children).

In those days, divorces were very rare: in 1899, there was only one divorced woman for every thousand men, and two divorced women for every thousand women.

Everything changed in 1917. After the revolution, the attitude towards divorce softened. They began to breed in the registry offices, and immediately after the filing of such a petition by one of the spouses. Joseph Stalin tightened the divorce procedure somewhat, and his follower Nikita Khrushchev simplified it again. Thus, by 2008, 60% of marriages ended in divorce.

Technically, divorce today is not a particularly difficult procedure. If the husband and wife do not have children, the issue of divorce can be settled at the registry office by the written will of one or both partners at once a month after the submission of the corresponding application. In the registry office, spouses and children are also divorced, but only on condition that one of them is declared missing, incompetent or sentenced to a prison term of more than three years. In other cases, they are divorced through the courts.

The Orthodox faith today permits divorce not only for reasons of adultery, but also in a number of other cases:

• the partner's departure from the Orthodox faith;
• venereal disease;
• infertility;
• long absence or disappearance;
• imprisonment;
• physical attempt on the life of a wife or children;
• mental illness that does not respond to treatment;
• AIDS;
• the use of drugs and alcohol;
• made an abortion, if the spouse did not give permission to his wife for such actions.

The Catholic Church does not recognize dissolution of marriage: it is possible to marry or remarry with the blessing of a clergyman only in case of the death of the first spouse. However, there are some conditions that allow a marriage to be recognized as annulled, but only on a formal level. The church considers the second marriage after this illegal. A marriage between a Catholic and a representative of another faith is not considered legal, from the point of view of the church, and therefore such divorces are not condemned.

Protestants allow divorce only on grounds of adultery; in the future, divorced people are prohibited from building new family relationships. Judaism discourages divorce, but in some cases does. However, if the spouse refuses to give his wife consent to dissolve their marriage, the woman's position will be very unenviable - she will not be able to enter into a new relationship until her ex-spouse dies.

Divorce in Islam is committed by a Sharia judge at the request of a husband or wife. There can be quite a few reasons for divorce. Each case is considered on an individual basis.

Divorce is not just some kind of legal and factual action, it is always a great psychological trauma, which, first of all, affects children - due to their age and lack of life experience, kids are not always able to understand and make a parental decision painlessly. In psychology, the state after a divorce is considered identical with the state after the loss of a loved one, his death. The more painful the divorce process was, the more likely it is that the consequences for the child's psyche will still be: the accumulation of anxiety, a feeling of lack of protection, the collapse of the familiar world, and in adulthood, such people may be wary of relationships with the opposite sex, because the fear of repeating a scenario familiar from childhood may be too strong.

Unfortunately, ex-spouses are increasingly drawing children into litigation. Some human rights advocates and clinical child psychologists propose to classify such actions of parents as “cruelty to children” and to establish responsibility for this.

When lovers get married, they rarely think that divorce is possible in principle. At the same time, divorce should not be judged as something bad or something good. He is neutral in himself.It all depends on the conditions in which the family breaks up, as well as on the attitude of the participants in the process to this. There are situations when divorce is really like a tragedy: you are abandoned, you are pregnant, you have been cheated on, you have small children who love both mother and father equally. In this case, divorce is perceived and experienced painfully.

But there are situations where divorce is good for everyone. These include, first of all, situations that develop in destructive families.

In the course of life together, from wedding to divorce, partners show and demonstrate not only their best qualities. Very often in the very first years of life, negative personality traits appear, but while they generally fit into the world outlook of the second spouse, if he does not consider them terrible vices, the couple may well be a normal and strong family. Everything changes if, due to the revealed negative qualities, the rest of the family begins to suffer: from lack of money, if the spouse does not want to work, drinks, from beatings, if he is a house tyrant, from fear for his life.

Divorce becomes a blessing and salvation when three important factors coincide:

• there is a difficult and confusing relationship between spouses that prevent them from adequately interacting in significant events (joint education of children, providing them with everything they need);
• spouses cannot find contact, contradictions are observed in almost all spheres of life;
• unresolved significant problems lead to severe emotional stress, which in turn excludes any attempts at dialogue.

This is how the circle closes. There is no way out of it, only a divorce. It is possible to save a family, but only on condition that adjustments are made to at least one of the three factors described above.

It can be very difficult to decide on a divorce even if all the criteria match. It turns out to be a completely unbearable situation in which the only way out is blocked. Psychologists call this a pathogenic divorce situation - a couple, in fact, are not a couple, they do not decide anything together, there is no love and respect, understanding and common goals, tons of grievances have accumulated, spouses are not looking for ways to reconcile and resolve misunderstandings, but they continue to be married. live together. In fact, both are powerless - they cannot do a single productive action either towards peace or towards divorce.

The hardest thing is in pathogenic families for children. At first they try to act as peacemakers and mediators, but then they realize that they are failing, they lose faith not only in themselves, but also in adults. Functions and roles in such families are shifted, distorted. Everyone, including children, experiences tremendous stress. If everything is left as it is, it is possible that problems will look for a way out, but through the behavior of children, through somatic and mental illnesses in children and adults.

In pathogenic families, the only sensible and courageous solution is divorce. The marriage will fall apart, but the life and health of each individual family member can be preserved.

Today in Russia up to 53% of couples who have previously entered into legal marriage are getting divorced. Such statistics are regularly kept by the registry offices and once a year they provide data on the percentage of marriages and divorces. But this statistics is remarkable not only for the total number of divorced Russians, but also for certain nuances that make it possible to better understand who and how are getting divorced in our country.

According to the latest data, it is more common for couples who have been married for 5 to 9 years to get divorced. Among such families, almost every third unit of society falls apart (28.5%). Spouses who have been married for up to a year get divorced less often than others - 3% of the total number of divorces.But those who have lived together for 1-2 years already behave differently: almost 16% of marriages break up. Slightly more (18%) couples get divorced after 3-4 years of living together. Every fifth family breaks up among marriages with an experience of 10 to 19 years. Among those who have lived together for more than 20 years, the percentage of divorces is not so high - about 11%.

The most "conflicted" spouses are considered to be between the ages of 20 and 30. But at the same time, marriages entered into in this age period are stronger and break up much less often than marriages entered into by spouses after their thirtieth birthday. This can be explained by the relative mobility of emotions and psyche at the age of 30, after this milestone it is much more difficult for people to "reshape" their views and habits, which is what the family requires of them.

At the same time, only 7% of couples take their statements of claim. The rest remain true to their original decision and continue to insist on termination.

According to statistics, the initiators of divorce are most often women - up to 68% of cases. If the couple is "with experience", and the spouses are more than 50 years old, then men are more often the initiators.

After a divorce, according to statistics, about 60% of women remarry, but only half of them admit that they have finally found happiness. Up to 85% of divorced men remarry and consider new relationships to be more successful than the first (about 70% of them).

Previously, the reason why the spouse demands a divorce had to be indicated in the application, argued in court. Today, husband and wife have every right to keep their secret, if they do not want to voice the reasons, they will divorce them without disclosing this information. But sociologists and psychologists who study the intricacies of marriage continue to investigate the reasons why families do break up.

• The decision to marry was ill-considered (as an option - the marriage was fictitious). This is the most common reason for divorce. Due to the fact that the wedding was played hastily, without recognizing each other, not being psychologically and morally ready for marriage, up to 42% of couples get divorced. The relationship of such spouses is usually very rude, inattentive, they annoy each other, refuse to help each other in everyday life, in raising children. Gradually, more and more often there are thoughts that this marriage was wrong and should be stopped.

• Bad habits. In second place in terms of the number of divorces is such a reason as alcoholism or drug addiction of the husband (less often the wife). An alcoholic or a drug addict cannot be complete partners that you can rely on, who you can trust. Often in such families, not only quarrels flourish, but also assault, mental and physical violence. 31% of women file for divorce, arguing their decision with the alcoholism of their spouse. The same argument is indicated by 22% of men who decide to divorce their wives who drink or use illegal drugs.
• Treason. Adultery ranks as an honorable third among the causes of divorce in Russia. Up to 15% of women filing for divorce say that they decided to collapse their family because of their husband's infidelity. It should be noted that up to 11% of divorcing men report female infidelity.
• Different tempers. This, already classical, formulation of the reason for separation is indicated by 9% of men and 8% of women. This implies a different outlook, and so different that the spouses never found common ground in real life. They have different views on raising children, on earning and spending money, on relationships with relatives (mother-in-law, mother-in-law, etc.).

• Household disorder. They get divorced due to the lack of their own housing, material problems quite often, but usually this reason appears in combination with another, main one. Only about 3% of couples say about everyday disorder as the main reason for parting.
• Pathological jealousy. Unfounded accusations of treason, as well as surveillance and constant scandals, for which there are no grounds, become the reason for divorce in 1.5% of cases.
• Dissatisfaction with sex life. Either the spouses are embarrassed to indicate such a reason, or they are ashamed to admit this fact, but honestly only 0.8% of the divorces admit that their sex life “did not go well”.

This is the official "picture" of divorces. Psychologists, on the other hand, identify their own reasons that underlie divorce:

• violations in the "grinding in characters", personal characteristics of each of the spouses, unwillingness to compromise;
• inability to take responsibility for oneself, infantilism of one of the spouses or both at once;
• disappointed hopes (resentment that a person in family life turned out to be not at all the same as he was at the stage of acquaintance and the beginning of a relationship);
• a protracted period of "pre-divorce", when neither side can take a step towards each other, nor a step towards the court or the registry office.

If the question of the possibility of divorce has already been repeatedly raised in front of a person, it's time to weigh all the pros and cons, because this decision is serious, it must be justified. Divorce is always a rather unpleasant and sometimes painful process. It can be compared to the need for amputation. Complications can occur both during the operation and after it, during the rehabilitation period.

If you are the one who wants to initiate a divorce, but while this prospect scares you, try to honestly answer yourself the following questions.

• How will divorce help you?
• What do you have to lose in a divorce?
• What new plans and goals will you have after your marriage ends? Will this be the beginning of a new, richer and more interesting life?
• What problems can you face after divorcing your partner?
• Who else would benefit from this divorce? Whose life will it make it better?
• Who will my divorce hurt?

This approach will help you understand what will be more in the event of a divorce - losses or gains. If the dissolution of the marriage benefits you and those around you, if you get more than you have now, do not deny yourself the opportunity to start a new life, because divorce is not the end of life, but its beginning. If, as a result of a simple analysis, you understand that you have ceased to adequately see reality behind your grievances, and divorce will bring more losses, then it makes sense to take all measures to save the family.

Women are often frightened by the widespread belief that it will be very difficult for her to arrange her personal life later (and even with a child). To preserve a pathological marriage only out of fear of loneliness is a path to nowhere.

There are also situations in which analysis is practically not required, divorce is necessary: ​​this is the partner's unwillingness to be treated for alcohol or drug addiction and assault.

All other situations require psychological preliminary study. Whether divorce will be a blessing, no one will say in advance. But you can try several techniques that psychology uses to teach decision making.

• Projection of the future. Close your eyes, relax, breathe evenly and deeply. Imagine yourself, but only after 10 years. Take a close look at where you are, in what environment, who is next to you, what you are doing, whether you look like a happy person.
• Assessment of the present. To exclude divorce because of your idealized ideas about the family, exaggerated and unrealistic demands, make an impartial assessment of what you have. Ask yourself what your ideal partner should be, what he should look like, how he should act, who to work, how to interact in the family. Imagine this in as much detail as possible and combine it with the image of your current partner. If you find at least 2-3 matches, do not rush to get divorced.There are no perfect ones. To make sure of this, try to find in your memory at least one person you know in reality who would completely or at least two-thirds coincide with your expectations.

If in doubt, you can remember why you fell in love with your partner, why you decided to be together. Ask him the same questions. If both spouses still remember the good and cherish this past in their hearts, the marriage can be saved.

If your partner started to think about divorce, and your plans do not include divorce, the situation is more complicated. It is necessary to leave the person alone and give him the opportunity to make his balanced and deliberate decision. The best thing you can do is show your partner the above questions and techniques so that his decision is deliberate and balanced.

This advice may seem strange, but there is no need to be afraid of such a divorce. Instead of "nagging" the spouse, asking why he wants to get a divorce, arrange ugly scenes, it is better to take care of yourself and become happy right now. It is always easier to get away from an unhappy, downtrodden, tear-stained, trampled, humiliated and offended person than from a happy, self-sufficient, taking care of himself, having hobbies and hobbies, content with himself and his life.

If divorce is unavoidable and obvious to you, it's time to prepare for it. If you are the initiator of the divorce, discuss your decision with your partner. Remain calm, don't yell, don't cry, don't blame your spouse for the collapse of the family. It's your decision. So talk about yourself. Try to present everything in such a way so as not to offend your partner, not to create inferiority complexes for him. It is not at all necessary to tell your husband or wife that they do not suit you in bed. Remember that after a divorce, a person will need to somehow build a new relationship with you, and wounded pride will greatly complicate this task for him.

Remember that the more difficult divorce is always going through the one who is not the initiator. Protect your almost already ex-partner from severe depression, make it easier for him - do not humiliate him, at least for the sake of the good that happened between you.

If you do not want a divorce, but you have already come to understand that it is inevitable on the initiative of your spouse, try to prepare yourself mentally - study the stages and forms of psychological reactions to overcome stress. You need to tune in to something that will not be easy, but the right behavior will help you overcome the difficult stage with honor and dignity. You won't be able to put up with it right away, but no one demands it. If your partner persistently wants to divorce, it makes no difference how long you lived together and when this decision appeared - in the first year of marriage or six months after the wedding. Give your partner freedom, do not humiliate him and do not humiliate yourself. It will not be so easy to accept and forgive, but it must be done.

Well, that's all, the divorce took place. It was decided who the children will be with, who will pay alimony. But the question remains open, how to build your life now. They do not give an answer to him in court or the registry office. The recovery period begins. It will have different stages: from being angry with the ex to wanting to return everything back, from depression to accepting reality and starting planning a new life. Adults can handle everything. But the child has a hard time. He still does not understand much, he cannot explain. Children experience everything several times stronger and deeper.

Therefore, the first thing that needs to be determined for themselves by the spouses who have decided to divorce, how the child will communicate with mom and dad further. Establish the order of meetings, frequency, stipulate details.Do not forbid the child to communicate with the ex, even if the divorce occurred on the initiative of the husband, after the betrayal, after the betrayal. You will sort out your grievances gradually, the child is not to blame for them. The only reason why you need to protect a child from a father or mother is drugs and alcohol, aggression. If communication with dad (mom) does not threaten the child's life, do not deprive the baby of this.

The second thing you need to pay attention to after a divorce is the formation of the image of the second parent. If the child lives with you, never slander the image of your ex-wife or ex-husband with a single word.

To cope with the emotional storm in your soul after a divorce, planning your affairs and your time can help. Write down for each day what and when you will be doing. Plan to do something for every hour so that you are always busy - so less unpleasant thoughts will enter your head.

Do not drown your pain with alcohol, do not try to take revenge on your ex, do not pursue him. Leave everyone the right to a new life. Make everything that you have dreamed of for a long time into reality - buy yourself what you wanted, go on a trip, do not isolate yourself, do not limit your social circle, be open to new acquaintances. If it is difficult to cope on your own, do not hesitate to seek help from friends, to a psychologist.

10 signs that it's time for you to break up are covered in the following video.