Jealousy: what is it, reasons, signs and ways of getting rid of

The statement that a jealous person necessarily loves does not always correspond to reality, because jealousy is different, it is caused by different emotions and feelings, and has different motives. Understanding the mechanisms of jealousy, knowledge of its types and consequences will help not only to accurately determine the pathological jealous person, but also give answers to questions about how to cope with this unpleasant feeling.

Jealousy is a phenomenal quality of the human psyche, about the origin of which scientists still argue. In psychology, there are quite a few definitions of this feeling, but none fully expresses the whole essence of what a jealous person experiences. It is believed that jealousy is a vivid emotion that expresses the need to maintain sole possession of something. Authors of women's novels and directors of TV series routinely romanticize this feeling, but in fact there is nothing sublime in it - this, in fact, a sense of ownership, exacerbated by certain circumstances.

Jealousy has given a lot to a person. Through this feeling, people have formed the institution of family and monogamous marriage. At the dawn of humanity, this feeling protected the tribe from mixing blood with a neighboring tribe - men subconsciously, not possessing any knowledge of psychology and psychiatry, vigilantly guarded women whom they considered their own from the encroachment of strangers. Nature has created such a psychic mechanism in order to preserve the unique traits of the tribe, its DNA.

Based on this, jealousy in terms of the range of its constituent emotions is very similar to what deceived people feel. A woman is jealous of a man, feeling the threat of losing a "source of resources" for herself and her offspring.

Male jealousy is usually similar and always goes along with feelings of self-infringement and inferiority. A man by nature is given a certain thirst to rule, subjugate, win. Therefore, he begins to be jealous precisely when he feels that he can lose, lose control and power.

Let's finally dispel the myth of the romance of jealousy and decompose it into its constituent emotions. What our jealousy consists of:

• fear (to lose something meaningful, to be alone, to lose);
• anger, anger (towards yourself, towards a partner, towards a possible rival or rival);
• resentment (against yourself, against a partner);
• self-pity;
• anxiety.

As you can see, there is nothing romantic and pleasant in this list. There is no love, affection, tenderness, or sexual attraction in him. Jealousy does not always occur in a loving person, and a lover does not always experience this feeling. Thus, jealousy can be attributed, although to the ancient, but rather destructive feelings. There is nothing constructive about it.

Everyone has a certain amount and kind of jealousy. Even young children exhibit something similar to this feeling when the familiar relationship with their mother is threatened (for example, when the second baby is born). This psychological reaction does not apply to congenital, but is considered genetically determined, and it is characteristic of all representatives of the human race.

If it is adequate, normal, moderate, then it does no harm to the jealous one, or his partner, or his health. Destructive forms of jealousy can not only spoil a person's relationship with others and the world, but can also cause serious mental and other illnesses. The mechanisms of development of ailments motivated by jealousy are considered by psychosomatics.

Excessive and pathological jealousy occupies one of the leading places among the causes of family conflicts, divorce, as well as female and male murder.

Jealousy jealousy - strife. Psychologists distinguish several types of this feeling, all types have their own character, degree of danger and pathogenicity.

This is the most common type. Every second person suffers from one or another degree of low self-esteem. Self-doubt is also common to almost everyone. At the cost of some effort, a person creates self-esteem, but it is very fragile, vulnerable. A person tries to protect him throughout his life. Naturally, in the event of a potentially dangerous situation in which self-esteem can collapse completely, he reacts jealously.

For him, it is not even important that he has or does not have feelings for a partner - it is important at all costs to prevent a situation in which he will look like a laughing stock in the eyes of others. Such jealousy often happens without love at all, although the jealous person himself sincerely believes in the statement "jealous means love."

Such jealousy is inherent in people who have gone through a difficult childhood, those who endured punishment, humiliation, could not build normal constructive relationships with their peers. Adults with such a past are usually very vulnerable, touchy, sensitive.

Jealousy of this type is manifested by verbal attacks, insults, reproaches and reproaches.Themselves jealous of this type may well cheat on their soulmates, but they do not see anything wrong with their own actions, since winning "on the side" only helps to strengthen their personal fragile and not entirely full self-esteem.

This is also a fairly common scenario of relationships. The emotional spectrum of a jealous person is dominated by fear of loss of property. For him, a wife is property, like a cat or a dog. Often mothers are so jealous: if the attitude towards the son is proprietary, then the maternal jealousy is directed at the daughter-in-law, and sometimes at the friends of the grown-up child, which can no longer be only her property. It wants to belong to others too.

If a person perceives the other as property, he values ​​him, because at the reflex level, mechanisms for the emergence of pleasant emotions from possession have already been developed. But anyone who can take it, encroach on it automatically causes strong anger and even aggression in the jealous person. Often such jealousy is experienced as the strongest offense, the objects of which are both the one who is jealous and the one who dared to take property.

Love in such jealousy is present, but material, rational. Very often, such a jealous person can resort to revenge, ugly and even vile acts, and is also prone to physical punishment of the offender and his "object of adoration and possession." Men with this type of jealousy can be quite violent.

This is a very delicate kind of jealousy. Usually it is closely associated, according to psychoanalysts, with attention deficit in childhood. If all or most of the love goes to a brother, sister, stepfather, or stepmother, a child can grow up with a tremendous fear of losing a loved one. It is this fear that underlies his jealousy. But from the previous type (possessive) such jealousy differs in the absence of an attitude towards a person, as to something only his personal. A person is simply terrified of losing a loved one.

It manifests itself in episodes, and when a jealous person receives his portion of love and attention, he calms down for a while, stops tormenting himself with guesses. It is such jealous people who are better than others who are able to forgive the facts of betrayal, if they actually occur. They are ready to put up with the presence of someone else in the life of a partner, so long as they do not abandon them, stay with them. They are anxious, indecisive, they will never dare to arrange a showdown with assault, only sometimes they will remind of their jealousy with weak and quiet reproaches.

There is not a drop of love in such jealousy. A jealous person is not even so jealous as he has no idea how he really feels about his partner. One thing is obvious - the partner does not suit him with something, and there is a huge need to change him (her), to influence him (her). But it is impossible to do this directly, and therefore a person falls into a jealous state, which is a projection of his own confused and unresolved feelings and problems.

This is pathological jealousy, which very often accompanies some mental abnormalities, as well as an irrepressible craving for alcohol or drugs. There is a lot of paranoid in it. It is a disease, not love. The goal of a jealous person is only one - to completely suppress another person, to subjugate him to himself.

Very often, such jealousy is unfounded, the jealous person does not take the evidence of the partner's innocence into account, he is jealous simply because the humiliation of the partner gives him sadistic pleasure. Develops gradually. At first, this behavior is even approved by society. This only warms up in a jealous person a sense of his own righteousness. It is difficult to say how jealousy-paranoia can end.It does not go away by itself, it does not diminish.

This is a typical morbid jealousy - a kind of the most dangerous conditions that often become the reasons for homicide and suicide. Blind, manic jealousy can develop from any of the above types, but only if the person has certain mental prerequisites for this. A jealous person does not need proof and common sense, she is sure of the fact of infidelity, betrayal. He does not want to hear or listen to any arguments.

At first, the jealous enjoys his suspicions. They give him masochistic pleasure. It makes no difference whether there is a fact of betrayal - in any case, the jealous person remains pleased with himself (if there is no betrayal, he exhales with relief and praises himself for his vigilance, and if there is, he praises himself for his foresight and sharp mind). Then suspicions become few, they cease to please, you need to increase the "dosage" of experiences - this is how invented, unrealistic reasons appear.

Pathological jealousy is very rich in manifestations: from surveillance and espionage to violent scenes "from scratch", from blackmail to restricting the partner's freedom (closing him in an apartment, a total ban on communicating with someone), assault, violence, sexual violence take place and cruelty. Pathological jealous people need qualified psychiatric treatment, and if they refuse it, then they need to keep their distance from them in order to preserve their own psyche, health and life.

A jealous person is not the best characteristic. It is unlikely that someone will deliberately start a relationship with a partner, knowing that he is a big jealous person. But at the initial stage of a relationship, it is usually very difficult to distinguish between normal, inherent in everyone from time to time, jealousy from a feeling of pathological, irrepressible. A jealous attitude is pretty destructive. It has a detrimental effect on both the one who is jealous and the one who finds itself in the position of the victim. At the same time, there is no big difference what kind of a given feeling - the consequences can be negative.

Jealousy can break even strong relationships. It can be manipulative, when a jealous person wants to achieve something, and unpleasant scenes can piss off even an unperturbed person. The accumulation of negative emotions that occurs in both participants in the process can gradually lead to the development of psychosomatic diseases. Living under stress is difficult. This means living with great constraints. Trust, respect for each other, and initial emotional equality, which are important for normal relations, are lost.

Some advise using jealousy for good, that is, sometimes manipulating it in order to revive feelings that have begun to fade away, to ignite a spark of interest in the eyes of a partner. Sometimes this feeling really has such an effect - after reconciliation, feelings flare up and the relationship in a couple "comes to life". But this effect is temporary. Each time, the couple will need more and more emotional shake-ups, little jealousy will become small, and this will be the beginning of the development of a pathological condition that is dangerous for both.

Claims that jealousy can help to recognize true love generally sound absurd, especially since we already know that these concepts are almost not interconnected. The only plus that can be considered in this psychological process is the tendency of some jealous people to draw energy on themselves.

Jealousy can have a variety of reasons. Sometimes they are not even recognized by a person, that is, they exist only on a subconscious level. Let's see where jealousy comes from.

• Personality disorders (in particular - narcissistic and anxious). In the first case, a person is convinced that he is beautiful, he has no equal, he does not allow situations in which his authority could suffer. In the second, everything is the other way around - there is uncertainty, fear of failure, the future.
• Low self-esteem. It can be such from childhood or appear under the influence of certain negative events, failures and failures, after which a person develops a painful perception of his own person, uncertainty in his abilities and merits, distrust of people.
• Neurotic disorders (head injuries, some other disorders of the central nervous system).
• Physical disabilities and decreased sexual function (a type of jealousy of low self-esteem).
• Defense attack mechanism (jealousy is a manipulation, the task of which is to distract the partner's attention from his own betrayals, to switch his attention to the conflict, to make him justify himself).
• Big difference in age. A pathological feeling arises every time between partners there is a misunderstanding of any kind.
• The experienced experience of betrayal, betrayal. The more traumatic and difficult the period of recovery from the shock was, the more likely it is that in any subsequent relationship the person will transfer their existing negative experience and will be wary of the new partner.
• Difficult childhood (lack of love from parents).

The development of jealousy is facilitated by personal egoism, high self-esteem, addiction to alcoholic beverages and drugs. Even if a person has stopped drinking or taking drugs, has received treatment, he has an increased risk of impaired perception of reality in the future. There are quite a few pathological jealous people among former alcoholics.

Unfortunately, it is quite difficult to immediately recognize a pathological jealous person. It can be a very charming, intelligent, well-read, educated person, or shy and shy, passionately in love. There are hundreds and thousands of options for behavior before the onset of inappropriate reactions. But there is one line by which it is possible, albeit indirectly, to try to guess about an increased tendency to jealousy. This is a vivid imagination, sexual fantasies, as well as a certain tendency to often return to the same thought, its obsession. It is such a set that quite often launches in the human psyche the modeling of situations of betrayal, regardless of how weighty the reason given for this was (and whether it was at all).

It is very easy to recognize a jealous partner:

• He accuses groundlessly. Any signs of attention, even those far from intimate, from the surrounding representatives of the opposite sex are perceived by a person as a hint of the possibility of sexual contact with his other half on the side: a colleague gave a ride to the house, an old acquaintance called, lingered at the entrance, talking with a neighbor - all this becomes cause for reproach. And if a partner was late at work or did not pick up the phone after they started to call him, this is a reason to sort things out.
• Attempts to control. The manifestations of this sign can be different: from questions about who and why called, why it is so late, where the partner is going and with whom to real espionage with a phone check, correspondence on social networks, working out work and business contacts, friends and acquaintances.It is important not to miss the moment when a jealous person will try not only to check, but also to establish his own rules, to manipulate - to prohibit going or going somewhere, to prohibit communicating with old acquaintances or colleagues outside the work process.
• Scandals and scenes. Here there can be a great variety of symptoms. Some triple meticulous digging, others - loud hysteria, and others generally prefer a public scene of jealousy in front of neighbors, relatives or acquaintances. There are those who become silent and withdraw into themselves, take offense for a long time and demonstratively, limit communication and sexual contacts.

In a relationship with a jealous person, it is important to know that his main goal is to make you feel guilty. Even if you have nothing to admit, there was no adultery, then you, in the opinion of the jealous one, must sincerely repent that you gave him a reason to doubt and suffer. Do not play along with him in this. Calmly and seriously explain that there is no reason to worry, you have nothing to blame yourself for. If this is not enough, do not humiliate yourself, do not enter into conflict.

If jealousy is not an easy role-playing game that spouses have started by mutual consent to gain more thrills, then there is no point in talking about any benefits from it. Jealousy always destroys people's relationships and personalities. Those who experience this negative set of emotions torment themselves, their sleep is disturbed, they are unable to adequately assess reality.

Living under the same roof with a jealous person is also painful for the other side. That is why a partner tired of accusations files for divorce. Suffering adults cannot serve as a positive example for children if they are in the family. Scenes and scandals traumatize the child's psyche, in addition, there is a high probability that the child will take as a basis the behavior model of one of the parents. If a jealous person becomes an example, then in his own family such a child will practice suspicion and insults, and if the victim becomes an example, then the grown-up child can shun any relationship and create a family, not wanting to become a victim.

At the physiological level (if what has been said in the psychological aspect does not convince), we note that:

• at the moment of strong jealousy, a person experiences emotions that increase the level of the hormone vasopressin in the blood (its task is to improve and increase the flow of blood to the muscles during physical exertion);
• the jealous person produces more adrenaline and endorphin;
• excess of these hormones increases the likelihood of stroke, heart attack;
• with a prolonged state of jealousy, anxiety increases;
• the production of stress hormones becomes constant;
• weight increases;
• there are disorders of sexual function, infertility (stress hormones partially suppress the production of female and male sex hormones).

When your property (what you consider yours) is in danger of being taken over by someone else, there is no time to analyze the situation. Seeking differences in order to understand that this is a sense of ownership or jealousy, no one will. Nature provides only two options for action: to give or fight for your own until your last breath. Therefore, it is desirable to know the differences not even to the most jealous, but to the one who has become the object of jealousy.

The sense of ownership, which speaks in a jealous person, usually does not exclude the concept of love, but this love is specific: the partner does not even think to give you freedom of choice. If your partner decides everything for you and only confronts you with a fact, then this is most likely just a sense of ownership.A partner who is driven by the fear of losing his own, and not love, is distinguished by increased irritability when the object of property becomes uncomfortable (does or says something that he is not supposed to do or say).

A loving person never deprives a partner of:

• the right to choose;
• voting rights;
• self-respect and dignity.

If you are jealous and have already come to the conclusion that it is time to get rid of jealousy, you are halfway to success. It is this fact that is the most difficult to accept. Or rather, take responsibility for jealous feelings - you created them yourself.

Usually, the method of replacing negative thoughts and images with positive ones helps a lot: for example, every time insidious and mean thoughts creep in towards your partner, remember one good event from your life together, one happy, previously lived day. This will help to supplant fear and resentment, replacing them with gratitude, joy and recognition towards your partner.

If jealousy has acquired signs of pathological, and the jealous person does not want to do anything with it and cannot, the second half has only two options: either endure and put his life at risk every day and hour, or leave. You can stay with a person further only on one condition: he agrees to visit a psychiatrist, prescribing treatment, since such jealousy is qualified by specialists not as a whim or a character trait, but as a “paranoid-delusional personality disorder”. There are many professional methods, from medications to hypnotherapy, that can alleviate the condition and reduce the negative manifestations of delusional jealousy. It is impossible not to treat it - the condition is progressing.

In order to defeat jealousy in yourself, before it becomes a mental illness, you need to follow the advice of psychologists.

• Stop any actions that do not contribute to the interests of your love (stop tracking, by an effort of will it is worth stopping reading your partner's messages and social networks).
• Work with fears. If there is a fear of being left alone, increase your self-esteem, make new friends, get a dog, find an interesting hobby. If there is a fear of being left without a specific person as a source of some benefits, learn to receive these benefits on your own (go to work, improve your qualifications, set ambitious goals).
• Stop comparing yourself to others. Comparisons only reinforce feelings of inferiority. You are a unique person. And the partner chose you.
• Take proactive steps to improve relationships (avoid conflicts, spend weekends together, normalize your intimate life, it is good to have a joint hobby).
• Be honest with your partner. Just talk, calmly and thoroughly, with trust and respect for each other. Do not rush to do stupid things, give your partner a chance.
• Learn to forgive. Both yourself and your partner. It helps a lot to deal with negative emotions. Even if your suspicions are confirmed sooner or later, forgiving will be very helpful and will help you cope with disappointment.

For information on how to overcome jealousy, see the next video.