Jealousy of the Past: Causes and Ways to Fight

The past is the baggage of experience. Miscellaneous. There are gizmos in this suitcase that evoke pleasant memories and a smile, there are those that you want to hold in your hands and feel like time has turned back, and there are some that you don't even want to look at. Such "artifacts" in the family baggage sometimes turn out to be the past relationships of the spouses.

The focus of jealousy for the past can be different. Most often, the husband is jealous of his wife (or vice versa) of his ex-spouse or lover. Spouses may be jealous of each other for a child from a previous marriage. The abandoned man or woman may be jealous of the son or daughter of the former, who were born to him in a new marriage. It happens that jealousy is experienced even for the already deceased ex-boyfriend or girlfriend of their loved one. It can sometimes resemble a mental disorder.

Jealousy can be both for real relationships between exes and the product of a rich imagination. Let's consider the main causes of jealousy.

• Weak will and self-doubt. A man means stamina, fortitude, confidence in the chosen path and his actions. This is when he was raised by prudent parents and did not suppress these qualities in him. A spoiled and overprotected boy in childhood, as an adult, will believe that everything belongs to him, including his woman with all her personal space. Her communication with a former partner can give him a sense of ownership, and then he will require either a constant account, or a constant stay at home to the detriment of her career or hobby.If in childhood a guy was often suppressed and pulled back, then as an adult he will constantly doubt his solvency as a man, compare himself with others not for the better and worry that his girlfriend will choose an ex who seems to him more worthy than him.

• Bad past experience. It often happens that a man has already experienced adultery with other women. If a certain behavior of a former lover led to infidelity (for example, she carefully dressed herself up before meeting her ex), then in the subconscious mind such behavior is recorded as the actual fact of infidelity. In a new relationship, a similar behavior of a partner will be a signal of betrayal, although the girl has nothing wrong in her thoughts and careful self-care is just a good habit.
• Frequent contacts of former lovers. If the wife is in constant correspondence or often calls up, meets with the ex, then, of course, the husband may be offended. Although these meetings may be due to common affairs or the affairs of joint children. Then the jealous person can transfer his irritation to the children.
• Mental disorder. This option also happens. Most often, this is an acquired deviation from the norm as a result of a combination of previous causes that contribute to severe stress. Stress breaks down the defense mechanisms of the psyche, and human behavior becomes inadequate. It manifests itself in the pursuit of a partner, the demand for constant and immediate reporting, increased suspicion.

• Lack of self-confidence. Suspiciousness is more inherent in women than men. And if a girl was underestimated in childhood, her female dignity was belittled, then, as an adult, she will live with the feeling that she is an inferior woman, mother, mistress. These feelings do not allow her to fully reveal herself and, sharpened by doubts, she compares herself with a potential rival and tries to clarify her worth through a partner. She can constantly ask him about their relationship, how they spent time together, what words he said to her. In this version, jealousy can also spread to the children of a man from a previous marriage.
• Something that reminds her of her ex. The partner himself talks about the former companion, describes the moments of their life together, shows the places where they rested together, keeps things presented to her. For a woman who is naturally endowed with emotionality, it’s easier than ever to imagine what feelings he had for his ex and project them into the present. The gifts of the previous ones, really bearing a piece of the former owner, can annoy no less, and a woman's fantasy on this basis will paint a picture of betrayal.
• Meeting a partner with an ex-woman. These can be face-to-face meetings or phone calls and chat conversations. Former partners can contact on common matters, or, if it is reliably known that they have no common affairs and so they do not have, they are brought together by something more.

Jealous of our partner to the past, we plunge into an unreal world, that is, while we are at the mercy of negative feelings, we do not live in the present moment, but are mentally present in the stories we have already passed. It is possible to stop being jealous of a guy for an ex-girlfriend or a wife for an ex-lover. And it depends primarily on the jealous person himself. Although, for those who are jealous, you can also give a couple of tips.

If you have a relationship of trust with your partner, then you will not feel irritation in response to a change in his behavior, but the suffering of your loved one. Try to support him, just do not regret, this will humiliate your partner, do not regret words that will help him feel significant and worthy.If the jealousy is unfounded, try to talk to your soul mate openly, if possible in a friendly atmosphere. Find out what exactly hurts your partner. Your sincere attention alone may be enough to exhaust the opposition between you.

It is possible that you yourself noticed or noticed after the conversation that you provoke your loved one into jealousy. Maybe you often talk about past relationships or showcase gifts during this period. If so, think about it - why do you need self-affirmation?

Now let's figure out what needs to be done to overcome jealousy.

Let's go back to the reasons for female jealousy.

• Self-doubt. Try to remember who and when told you or made it clear that you dress in the wrong way, behave not like a woman and, in general, are a bad housewife? Think about these or similar negative statements. This is important in order to understand that they do not belong to you. These phrases once accidentally or deliberately could have been uttered by your parents or other relatives, girlfriends, those whom you believed very much, and therefore took these very words for the truth. Now work a little more and find your own statements. Give yourself time for this process and for them to ripen. Train daily, because a life scenario cannot be redone in an instant.
• He often thinks about his ex, talks about her. Whether he wants to make you jealous or is just telling you the facts, you feel annoyed, hurt, hated, or another feeling that is destroying you. To convey this to your husband, you do not have to sarcastically, nag him, or break dishes. You can also communicate your condition in more gentle ways. The most successful of these is having a frank conversation; in fact, you want him to know about your feelings. So tell him about them. Only when you feel you can speak calmly, take a moment. The purpose of such a conversation is not to convince your partner what a scoundrel he is, but to convey your feelings to him.

• Your husband is dating a former lover. They can really have common things and that's okay. Why would he create enemies around him? Maintaining normal, human relations can speak of his lack of conflict, and the fact that he does not hide them from you - about his honesty in front of you. An interesting point: by the way he speaks about the feminine qualities of his ex or other girls, one can often judge his attitude towards the female sex in general. If there is no obvious reason for jealousy, try to use the situation to your advantage, keep your finger on the pulse. If this still haunts you, it is worth talking to your man heart to heart, not insulting him, but sharing your feelings.

Which of the following reasons makes you jealous of your companion?

• Heightened self-esteem. Do you seriously think that someone could belong to you? Then keep in mind that situations will occur (or are already happening) in life where you will be considered an object of someone else's belonging.
• Increased suspiciousness. When in childhood your parents or loved ones, sincerely wishing only good for you and believing that they were bringing up strong-willed qualities in you, mocked, ridiculed you for a noble deed towards the girl, pulled you when you showed assertiveness and independence in defending your opinion, in your subconscious mind formed a mental image: I am ridiculous, awkward and have no right to my opinion or something like that. Determining the given attitudes that you now live by is already the first step to finding your real self. This process is not fast, but it is worth implementing it.
• Jealousy resulting from past failures with women. This process is easier to control as it is more conscious and easy to track. Despite the similarity of some moments of your previous and current relationships, you still need to understand that your companions are completely different people. Therefore, it is important to separate the past and the present, consciously fixing oneself on this.
• The wife often communicates with the ex. All issues are resolved if they are resolved peacefully. Irritability and discontent will only repel. Talking to your companion will help you cope with your feelings. Tell her about your doubts. Your measured, balanced thoughts, calm and confident, but not assertive tone will do the trick, and you will be able to convey to your spouse what you want. In order for the dialogue to take place, it is imperative to listen to the answer, not making premature conclusions, but letting the other half also speak.

If you are jealous of your companion's children, then you yourself are still immature. Because a person who is stable and stable is generally difficult to unbalance, such a person knows his own worth and appreciates and respects the feelings of other people.

The connection between the child and the parent is a bright feeling, the experience of parenting is incomparable happiness! If you have such experience, it is easier for you to understand your partner, and if not, open your heart. Understand that true love is a state when you experience it for everyone and everything that surrounds you and your companion. She is all-pervading and does not divide the family into yours and mine. Look for this feeling, take care of its quivering manifestations, and your life will acquire a new meaning, and joy will settle in your heart. After that, you will notice how your attitude towards children in general, towards the children of your spouse, and towards your spouse himself, changes.

People with low self-esteem should learn to separate their own and others' feelings, thoughts, opinions. Destructive thoughts that have visited you, which violate inner harmony, interfere with communication with loved ones, you can and should learn to let go. To do this, define such a thought in a convenient way for yourself: name, color, form or, if it is perceived that way, smell, touch. This will help a clearer representation of it.

Thank her for her science (thanks to her, you can now get to know yourself better), forgive her for interfering with you, forgive the one who helped strengthen her in you and mentally let go. The thought and feeling that you let go of can fly away in your imagination like a balloon or dissolve into fog, or disappear in some other way.

Psychological trauma due to the severance of previous relationships. Living in the past is the same as being in virtual reality. To learn to live in the present, try to do a simple exercise: choose a convenient time, place (better alone) and for five minutes (you can set a timer) note what sensations you notice, what thoughts, feelings, desires come to you. Practice it regularly, and you will notice for yourself that you are more and more in the present, and you yourself more and more feel like the present.

In the case of a mental disorder motivated by jealousy, the degree to which the jealous person is aware of their rejection plays a role in resolving the problem. If he is aware of his condition and the reasons that led to it, you can try to work out the problem yourself using the techniques given in the article. If you cannot cope on your own, you should seek help from a psychotherapist.

To learn how to stop being jealous of the past, see the next video.