Perfectionist: who is he and how to stop being?

Perfectionists are complex people. It is difficult to live and work with them, but they themselves have a hard time. The many problems that accompany the desire to achieve perfection interfere with being happy. This article will tell you what the basis of perfectionism is and what to do if you or someone close to you suffer from perfectionism.

In modern psychology, perfectionism is viewed as a structure of beliefs in which a person is sure that an ideal exists and strives for it with all his might. For him, the imperfect result of actions is equal to failure, total failure. In practice, this means a neurotic attitude towards what is happening. The perfectionist differs from the procrastinator in high diligence, but the results of his work rarely suit him.

There are several types of perfectionism. They differ in direction.

• Self-directed - a person constantly strives to become consistent with his own ideas about the ideal.
• Aimed at others - a person makes high demands on others, trying to make their actions and relationships ideal.
• Aimed at the world around - this is a special form in which a person professes the philosophy of idealism, he is convinced that everything in the world should be extremely correct.
• Social - a person experiences a strong need to comply with imposed social norms and certain standards, to meet the expectations of others.

The topic of perfectionism is widely disclosed in art and philosophy, and is often touched upon in business trainings.... It can manifest itself in different ways.Most often, a person seeks to bring any of his actions to an ideal correspondence with his own ideas about how everything should really be. At the same time, an increased attention to detail and trifles is manifested. If something goes wrong, then the perfectionist may show aggression or depression.

The standards that a person with perfekionism sets for themselves are always very high. Therefore, satisfaction with the result is usually not achieved. Mistakes and failures are extremely painful.

A perfectionist is a person striving for the ideal in everything, whatever he is doing. The essence of the definition in simple terms is best understood with a specific example. The common man and the perfectionist are given the same task at the same time. They have minimum requirements, deadlines for delivery of work. Both employees know that early delivery will result in earlier payment for work.

An ordinary person outlines a plan, thinks everything over and starts to act, making adjustments in the course of work, depending on the developing situation. The work is not smooth - sometimes it slows down, sometimes it accelerates. But by the deadline, the specialist manages to pass it and is quite satisfied with this fact and with himself.

What does a perfectionist do? He revises the plan many times in the early stages, trying to perfect it, he revises it over and over again to accommodate everything. But this usually does not work, the perfectionist gets nervous, worried, changes plans again, and so almost the entire allotted time passes. When the deadline is very short, the perfectionist increases the pressure on himself and most often does not have time to hand over the work on time. He is given extra time, during which he brilliantly realizes the best of his plans. The customer is generally satisfied, but next time he will try to turn to an ordinary specialist, to a more reliable performer.

Can a perfectionist be distinguished from an average person outside of work? It is possible. Perfectionists strive for beauty and ideal in everything, often bringing this to the development of the syndrome. Such people love walks in nature, they can admire the beauty of the world for hours. But to one degree or another, this is common to everyone. The following signs will indicate a perfectionist:

• a person is always critical of his actions, dissatisfied with them;
• a person's expectations, goals and plans are grandiose, sometimes they are completely unattainable;
• minor mistakes can disable a person for a long time, make him worry, suffer;
• there is no self-confidence and self-confidence: even with considerable experience in one area or another, a perfectionist, before starting a business, experiences internal torment about whether he will cope with the task;
• often comparing oneself with others, while almost always not in their favor.

Perfectionists, according to psychologists, need help. Their behavior is on the verge of frustration, and if there is no help, then there is a high probability that sooner or later the person will simply step over the invisible border between the norm and the paranoid disorder, and then treatment will be inevitable.

Perfectionism is often confused with pedantry. These concepts are really similar, but the differences between them are significant. The difference between a pedant and a perfectionist is enormous. First of all pedantry is an inborn or early-age character trait... And perfectionism is not a character trait, but a well-founded mental deviation.

The pedant acts on purpose, his desire to refine the little things is his usual behavior, formalism, in which he is fully aware of. The perfectionist often does not control his desire for perfection, he just feels that way.

The pedant is demanding of himself, but in case of mistakes he is calm, order is important for him, but his violation will not cause a violent internal reaction... The pedant will just calmly start putting things in order. His house is always clean, at work he follows instructions, he is very neat.

In principle, he does not know how to enjoy life, he hardly adapts to changing external conditions. It is difficult for him to build relationships with friends and members of the opposite sex. He does not know how to rest, developing in himself the habit of constantly working. They may not follow these instructions, be late and fail, but they are afraid to make mistakes and be criticized.

Pedants are quite happy when they succeed in small goals. Perfectionists do not set such goals, their projects are always grandiose, and therefore they deprive themselves of intermediate joy. A pedantic person is almost not interested in what people think or say about him behind his back, while for a perfectionist it is very important what impression he made. Condemnation can "knock out of the saddle" for a long time.

Form is important for a pedantic personality. It is the form, and therefore he double-checks the completed task a hundred times. For a perfectionist, only the content matters - what the form is filled with, and therefore he often violates terms, conditions, and agreements.

Both those and others show an increased tendency to anxiety disorders, more often than others suffer from stress, are in the "psychological risk zone".

A perfectionist always has a grumpy inner critic in his head, and this somehow affects his behavior. Gender differences are insignificant, but they are still there.

Representatives of the stronger sex, suffering from perfectionism, may come across as confident, omnipotent people, but in fact they are very sensitive to criticism and pointing out mistakes. They take on complex projects, but they often delay with the beginning, they cannot come up with, and where to start the business so that everything is perfect - both the process and the result. A perfectionist man strives to be competent and knowledgeable in many areas of knowledge at once, while he rarely actually succeeds.

The work desk of such an employee can always be in perfect order, or it can be littered with papers and rubbish. In relationships, such men also strive to adhere to certain internal ideas about how everything should be, and therefore it can be incredibly difficult to build real, trusting relationships with them.

Ladies with perfectionism are sensitive to the smallest flaws in their own appearance, they strive to bring it to perfection, which often pushes them to constant exhausting diets, to plastic surgery. The same approach applies to everything - cleaning, cooking. Minor details take on unreasonable weight and often overshadow the original purpose. In a relationship, such ladies tend to impose their ideas about the ideal partner, it is difficult for them to please. Building full-fledged relationships with them, a family can be very difficult due to the fact that you have to constantly adjust and correspond to their ideal models of the world.

Both have other common features.

• It is difficult for a perfectionist to make decisions - this also applies to the choice of clothing and the choice of a strategy of action.
• Business started is not always completed. The first failure or an unexpected obstacle, the existence of which was not foreseen in advance, can stop it.
• The presence of "black and white" thinking. The perfectionist requires either all or nothing. They often use in everyday speech such words and phrases as “I have to”, “I have to”, “You have to”, “This is your duty”. There are no compromises.
• Fear of everything new. A person actually tries to limit everything new, leaving only more or less comfortable zones of the familiar, where the risk of making a mistake is lower.
• Low or decreased self-esteem... Even if it is possible to achieve success, a person continues to talk only about those blunders and shortcomings that he made in the implementation process, not noticing that, on the whole, he completed the task quite successfully.
• The person often experiences anxiety depression, a feeling of devastation, dissatisfaction with the world and yourself.
• Often perfectionists trying to compensate for internal imbalances and reconcile themselves to the world by overeating, the use of alcohol, drugs.

Psychologists believe that neurotic perfectionism has its roots in childhood. If a child interacts with parents in the face of their constant criticism and disapproval, then he subconsciously begins to strive to become ideal. But at the same time he is afraid of responsibility, constantly scolds himself. He grows up and becomes a person who habitually continues to "hear" inside the criticizing voice of mom, dad, grandmother or teacher.

If, in childhood, the child was shown love and admiration depending on the results of his activities, the likelihood of developing perfectionism also increases.... In this case, the baby begins to strive for the ideal also because in order to deserve what he has a full and unconditional right to - love.

He not only strives for his own ideality, he sincerely believes that everyone around and the world should treat him in the same way. If this does not happen, and in most cases it is so, confusion, loss, rejection appears, which can lead to the loss of life values, guidelines and degradation.

Don't call perfectionism a disease. This is a disorder that has both pros and cons. Let's consider them in more detail.

First, let's outline the pluses.

• Perfectionists cannot be lazy by definition. They are hardworking, take themselves and their actions seriously, are able to find their mistakes where others deliberately do not want to see them. The ability to be demanding about oneself is increased.
• It is important for perfectionists to constantly learn and improve their skills, they strive to develop, improve, personal growth is important to them, in their business, they are able to bring skills to the level of real mastery.

But there are also disadvantages.

• Exactingness often reaches pathological proportions, and criticality is not always justified and proportionate to the degree of error. Self-esteem is reduced, and this prevents a person from perceiving himself, others and his place in the world adequately and objectively.
• Criticism is perceived painfully, delivers suffering and experiences. In this regard, the level of irritability is always increased, boring and obsessive states may appear.
• But the main disadvantage, perhaps, lies in the inability to set normal, achievable goals. Contemplating distant and unattainable horizons of events, perfectionists do not pay attention to what they really need to pay attention to at the moment, and therefore their goals often fail crushingly.

If you are a perfectionist, you won't be able to stop being one overnight.There is no need to treat this condition if there are no accompanying disorders, but correction is needed. It is best to seek help from a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist, since you need to deal with the disorder with a clear understanding of its causes. Some recommendations will also help.

• Analysis of the situation... Write on a piece of paper the advantages that your perfectionism gives you, and the disadvantages and inconveniences that it brings to you. Evaluate the influence of each factor, consider carefully how it affected your personal life, career, studies, health. The data obtained will help to draw up the correct plan for correcting and gaining balance. If the "bias" is observed in the personal, devote more time to work, if at work - forcibly force yourself to take time for rest and personal.

• All or Nothing no longer works. This principle should be diligently and industriously eradicated within oneself. It will not be possible to overcome it immediately, but even small progress is already a step towards correction. You cannot do everything one hundred percent. This is your new rule. Reserve yourself the right to make a couple of mistakes a day, to clearly distinguish between work and personal time. As soon as the first ends, leave everything as it is and go to rest.

• Conscious mistakes. Making small mistakes deliberately can help you overcome guilt. You know how to act, but allow a different course of action, give yourself the right to make mistakes in the little things. The main thing is not to scold yourself, because the mistake was deliberate. Think of it as an exercise in humility and self-acceptance.

• Praise yourself more often for success.... Make it a rule to sum up such a summary every day. Praise yourself for what you have done, for a little progress towards a big goal, treat yourself with something at your leisure. Gradually, praise will become a healthy habit, and the level of self-criticism will naturally begin to decline.

• Work with your goals and priorities. Don't let your to-do list get overwhelmed; it's better to do less, but better. Spread goals over time, tackle the most important first. When you do any task, set yourself strict time frames and deadlines that will help you to cope with any task gradually.

• Focus on the process more often. Your point of focus should be on the process, not the result. Forget about the main goal, focus on the part of the work you are doing now. Consider failures and failures as an experience and an opportunity to grow, and not as an excuse to get depressed or start looking for terrible flaws in yourself.

• Give up the desire to control everything. Many events cannot be controlled by you personally, and therefore let them float freely, stop imposing your will, dictating your conditions and making demands. Any of your feelings, including laziness, greed and other unpleasant traits, have every right to exist. Regulate them, but do not suppress them, trying to get closer to some ideal.

• Build your self-esteem. This is the hardest part for perfectionists to achieve. But nothing is impossible. Every day, take care not only of your business, but also of your appearance, body, health, give up bad habits. Adjust your daily routine so that you have enough time to sleep and rest. Use meditative techniques, auto-training.

Since perfectionists tend to pay more attention to detail and detail, professions that require this quality are recommended for them, for example, accounting, architecture, scientific activities.

When choosing a type of activity, such people should remember that teamwork is quite difficult for them, but individual projects are exactly what they need, in them it will be easy for a perfectionist to reveal his potential and show his mastery of knowledge. Perfectionists make excellent programmers and interface developers, analysts.

It will be scary for most normal people to be under the supervision of such a leader; they simply cannot keep up with the pace set by the boss. If a person realizes his frustration and does everything to minimize the negative, then over time he will be able to take over the management of projects.

It is difficult for perfectionists to work in the field of art and culture, where little things do not play a role, only the author's thought, idea, flight of imagination are important. They usually make bad actors or writers, journalists and musicians. But striving for the ideal will be very, very useful in some types of economic activity, in planning, analysis. Professions such as a teacher and a doctor are also undesirable for a perfectionist. But its features are perfectly used in design, drawings, and design activities.