How is mother's envy manifested and what to do?
This is hard to imagine in life, since it can often only be seen in fairy tales or films, where the stepmother is envious, and the mother is presented in the role of kind and loving. However, psychologists note that the problem exists and most often manifests itself among mothers who already have adult daughters and sons. The article will focus on maternal envy of her children. Let's analyze the signs and reasons for this behavior, and also consider ways to solve this problem.
Signs of envy
As a rule, signs of envy can begin to appear due to the fact that a woman may not be psychologically ready for a child in her life. She may have had her own plans for life, such as career advancement or travel. In the future, such a mother will in every possible way accuse and criticize her children on various occasions. For example, when children want to share their joy with her, she will devalue those feelings, causing the children to experience negative emotions.
And also a mother can be jealous and constantly complain about her life, saying that her daughter or son was more fortunate in life than she was. As a result, the child will not be able to understand why the mother treats him this way, and will feel guilty for all his efforts and successes, as well as blame himself for the fact that he has some talents and skills. Of course, such feelings will provoke in the child a desire to make amends to his mother by any means.
Most often, this manifests itself in presenting her with various expensive gifts and surprises that the mother does not truly appreciate and even rejects.
Another sign of envy is the mother's dissatisfaction with the life partner her child has chosen. This can be explained by the fact that with age, a woman loses the ability to attract fans that she had at a young age. After that, every boyfriend of her daughter or potential daughter-in-law is criticized and constantly discussed.
The manifestation of envy of the mother can also be expressed in the rejection of any help and care provided to her by her children. At the same time, she will always complain about her life, a small salary and high prices in stores, about the fact that she cannot afford expensive vacations and new housing. But she will say that she once sacrificed all her abilities and dreams in order to raise children.
It also happens that the attitude towards the children of their children becomes indifferent, all this manifests itself in the form of rare visits and gifts. All communication with grandchildren will focus only on pointing out how to properly raise their children to a daughter or son - to pamper them less and give them constant attention.
Such a mother can often tell others that her child has an unhappy marriage, problems at work, with children, or an unfaithful husband. Thus, she shows that her daughter has grown up as a failure against her background. Although in fact, the daughter's life is much better than her mother describes.
Main reasons
In fact, envious mothers do not wish their children happiness and well-being and do not even realize the complexity of this problem. In family psychology, it is said that, as a rule, this pattern of behavior is transmitted from parents to their children. Unfortunately, from generation to generation, maternal inferiority is only strengthened, which prevents harmony in families.
Mothers often feel envy due to the fact that in their youth some of their goals and dreams were not realized or they did not have the opportunity to fulfill them. When sons and daughters grow up, maternal feelings weaken, and in the child the mother sees a rival who only causes irritation, not love. Envy thus allows one to assert oneself, to feel some kind of significance of one's own, since apart from this, nothing interesting happens in life.
The mother's anger due to her uncomfortable personal life can become the reason that she subconsciously will not approve of any spouse of her child, no matter how good a person he is. Such a mother does not want a better life for her children, convincing herself that around her no one should and has no right to be happy.
The reason for envy, which is not obvious at first glance, may also be the unwillingness to let go of their own children, the desire to make them dependent and hinder in all ways their personal happiness, so as not to be left alone.
This will make her feel needed and make her children feel guilty every time they try to leave her.
What to do?
First of all, you need to admit to yourself that it will be very difficult to change such a mother, unless the person wants it himself and does not turn to a specialist. Do not try to get closer to her in the hope of improving relations or, conversely, try to compete, as these actions will only aggravate the situation. She will feel your vulnerability, will manipulate it and use it for her own purposes.
Communication should be built as much as possible so that all conversations about your personal affairs or events that are significant for you in life are bypassed. Otherwise, the reaction to any of your successes and achievements will be extremely negative. It is better to choose neutral topics for conversation, distract her attention from yourself in every possible way, discuss any local news, hobbies, gardening, animals, the weather or her favorite programs on TV.
If, nevertheless, it is about you, then do not take all the words of your mother with reproaches and gratuitous criticism at face value, mentally try to remind yourself at this moment that in fact you are facing an immature and deeply unhappy person who needs to sympathize and accept him as he is.
In any case, you should strive to start living separately and not devote your mother to your work affairs, family or financial success. Perhaps such a distance will force her to find herself another object of envy.
Do not forget to ignore all attempts by your mother to accuse your partner of something and do not give her a reason for complaining about something, otherwise you will always listen to stinging remarks in the direction of your choice of companion and personal life.
Psychologist's advice
Maternal envy is most often compared to the envy of a friend who has not been realized in life. In fact, it is. The mother feels her inner helplessness in front of her daughter or her rival son. You don't have to feel responsible for her, because you still can't do anything about her jealousy. It will be difficult for her to admit that you deserve something that you are not just lucky in life. She will not be able to accept your value and success, as well as the fact that every person in the world is worthy of love.
Do not try to get approval and praise from your mother, do not strive to sort things out every time you communicate, because apart from conflict and misunderstanding, you will not achieve anything from her. If you feel that you need her support, tell yourself that you are great, that everything that you do, you will definitely succeed. Evaluate your results yourself, praise yourself more often, even for little things. Strive to become a self-sufficient and mature person who does not depend on the opinion of anyone.
Don't let a toxic mother violate your personal boundaries. Keep any contact with her to a minimum. Don't focus on the feelings your mother makes in you. Learn not to be fooled by the manipulative techniques she uses to evoke various negative feelings in you and destroy your peace of mind. Think of this person as just an envious friend who wants to surpass you in something.
I have just such a mother.
I have just such a mother: in her youth she was a gorgeous beauty, but life turned out in such a way that she worked all her life at a factory, in hard work. My father was a foreman in a shop at the same plant, we had two children, there was always a lack of money. 6 years ago, dad died, and mom was left alone, she doesn't particularly want to communicate with us, she constantly takes offense at any word and, yes, hates any man who appears in my life. I have never been married, there are no children, although I am already 39. She says: it's good that there are no children. Now I live with a man, he is very tactful, which happens infrequently. But mom all the same constantly, consciously or subconsciously, wants him to disappear, leave, evaporate, so that he is not there. This is expressed both in words and in deeds. She constantly reminds me that he has a bad job. He says that he is younger than me and that there are young girls. Claims that he will take advantage of me and give up and whatnot. I am sad at the thought: if he really leaves me, it will be a great holiday for her. If I cook something, she never eats it, she immediately prepares her own. And then, when a huge pot of soup or a mountain of pies is not eaten up in the next half hour, she just harasses me with phrases like: "What, so tasteless?" or "something unpopular cakes, I will no longer cook for you." All this is said with great insult, repeating many times, you have to stuff yourself with as much of this food as possible with a sense of guilt. Despite this, I love her. She is already 70, her health has been undermined in heavy production. I try to do everything to make her happy at least something.
I am 39, my mother is 61. I have two wonderful daughters and a second marriage.As a child, I did not feel disliked. But my mother did not arrange her personal life. It always seemed to me that we had a great relationship, this lasted until the fifth year of my first marriage. Then hysterics began that the husband of a gigolo, a drone ... In short, she pushed me to divorce, but I'm not saying that she was the culprit. Since then, she began to constantly put me before a choice: her husband or her. I do whatever she wants, or she throws a tantrum and leaves. He considers everyone to be idiots, stupid, traitors and the like. She had no girlfriends or friends left. She also does not communicate with her sisters. He hates my eldest daughter, says that she is a monster, and I spoiled her. The last scandal happened when my family and I went out of town and took her with us. She rushed with insults at her daughter, yelled at me: why do I need this husband, I am already successful, leave his gigolo ... Although he earns well enough and spoils me. It all ends with hysterical calls and angry SMS with insults and accusations. She just pisses me off. When I was pregnant with my second daughter, she almost drove me to premature birth. Knowing that I was pregnant, and my blood pressure jumped, my mother sent me sound and text messages on my work vibe every day with such accusations that it was hard for a normal person to even imagine. I still hate her for this, but I tried to forgive. I can't forget, but deep inside I buried this feeling of resentment, so she starts over again. I do not know what to do. There is only one desire - to quit and never see her again. But I also understand that she has no one else at all! Except the yorick I gave her. What to do?